Stay Tuned For Complaints!
"Bremen" by Pigpen Theatre Co.
'Oh, where are we going?' said the brown dog to the hen
But just because they were animals
Doesn't mean they couldn't have been men
"Michigan" by The Milk Carton Kids
Michigan is in the rearview now
Keep your hands where I can see them
You took the words right out of my mouth
When you knew that I would need them
February 5, 2015 Thursday 5:38 PM
I have a tendency to think I am lying. I look back on those entries of mine. Even if they were only from September (I apparently slipped into a brief depression during September and October), I think to myself, "I must be exaggerating. I can't have been that sad. I am not like the people who really need doctors. I am taking medical help away from them-"
Yes, I know that's irrational.
"-I am selfish and stupid, and above all, a liar. This is all a lie. I can't have been this sad."
Even now, I wonder, but I'm trying to focus on what I am feeling right now.
Hmm. I feel really terrible. I can't find the words to describe it, really. I'm wary of saying things too dramatically, or not accurately enough.
What do I do when I need to organize my thoughts and feelings towards certain subjects?
WOAH! I MAKE A LIST!!!!
Examples Of Terrible Feelings (from today or from the last week)
1. A smile on my face feels foreign, almost... wrong. Possibly uncomfortable. It goes skin deep and I can feel it there, tugging on my muscles, clutching me, digging its nails into my skin begging me to save it from falling.
2. This bad feeling is sadness. Maybe more. But for now, it's sadness.
3. I don't want to talk about my feelings. Like, this is severe. Afterwards, I do. Afterwards, when I feel okay again, but when I am like this, I feel cold. I feel like that girl on the cover of the Collide With The Sky album, she's floating above the house. I never understood it, really, but I am that way. Floating, looking down, and just trying to stay away. Ugh, god, I'm so dramatic, I want to shut up forever!
I want to stop being self aware! I want to stop thinking, and crying, and dreaming!!! At the same time, I just, I want to cry for a really long time.
*a few tears that for some odd reason, refuse to leave my eyes? Like fuck you, make me feel better. Do it by fucking leaving your shelter, lazy assholes*
4. I've been having the, "I genuinely want to die" thoughts. That's so stupid. I have every reason to live. I don't even know where they come from. Sometimes, I find myself smiling at something someone across the room said, and I just think, "I really want to die." That would be it. But then, today, I explored a bit more. I wanted to challenge myself, I wanted to say, "Oh yeah? Fuck you, mind. How would you even do it?"
So I remembered when I took the pills. I remembered the humiliation and the disappointment. I remembered Laney's dad taking me to the hospital. I remembered drinking charcoal so it could absorb the toxins I put into my body. I remember that it tasted like something they'd serve you in hell, but I drank it without fighting because they said if I didn't, they'd have to pump my stomach and that sounded worse.
I don't remember being in a one or two day coma, but I was. I don't clearly remember opening my eyes to silhouettes above me and asking if they were angels. I don't know why I would say that, anyway. I don't believe in god. I never have.
I remember the after. I remember my mom telling me she didn't know me anymore.
And I decided if I were to do it again, I would succeed. It doesn't feel necessary, though. It feels like cowardice and I always hated when people said, "You scared?" I take it as a challenge. I remember I had a lot of fun scaring my cousin and GG when we were in the cemetery at night.
Somehow, this doesn't apply to life, though. I mean, no, I don't want to die like that. Not at all (Okay, a little, yes, but just because I'm desperate and sad right now). But life is not something I see as a "challenge". Yes, it's hard but it's just not the same as watching a horror movie with a completely straight face or waking up from horrifying nightmares and pretending I wasn't whimpering.
I kind of want to die. I say this noncommittally. Right now, it's true. I want to stop existing. I'll be fine.
Um, so we had a Peer Leadership field trip today. I should have enjoyed it. Carter was there. He was nice. He stole my phone, but he eventually gave it back at the end of the trip, so I forgive him and his asshole ways.
At some point, he said, "What would happen if you put hot sauce on your dick? Would it burn?"
Olivia and I were all, "I dunno man, try it."
Or maybe Olivia asked if a hot sauce dick would hurt. All I know is Carter said he wanted to try it, haha. Boys are funny. Girls are funny. People are funny.
I got caught up in realizing people were beautiful.
I saw depressed-hispanic-kid playing with his lip. It was nice. I was watching Adrian and the way he leaned forward in his chair, resting his head on one hand when he prepared to speak in response to Brock. Or the way Olivia didn't stop jiggling her knee until late, late, late in the day.
It's all interesting but I feel nothing for it.
(Note: I don't have a crush on Adrian anymore. He's still really pretty, though)
I don't know how I feel anymore. Mostly shitty, out of control, insane, and ashamed. So ashamed, as I do whenever I get sad.
Eh. I'm so sorry.