theolor

MyDarknessLives
2015-02-05 01:32:57 (UTC)

Is it over?

My name is Theo, I thought writing a diary will help, but I like typing more then using a pen and paper. I am 19 years old and since I was 14 (when all this started) I have been going through bi-polar disorder, I have ultra rapid cycles, meaning it can change in hours and can last up to months but usually just hours.

For the past 2 weeks I have been in a very depressive mood and I think and hope I am finally coming out of it because today I feel like I cycled into a mixed state. I am going through a lot mentally and it made it where I cannot work anymore because it has been so bad. When very depressive I would just lose focus, moody, and just go into myself like putting my body on auto pilot and when manic it was worse. I do not like to be around a lot of people and mostly keep to myself but when I am manic and there would be a lot of people I would have panic attacks, I would get real sweaty, shake, racing thoughts (faster then normal for me, super super fast for normal people), I would always end up hurting myself some way or another, running into things, burning myself on accident etc.

I live with my mother currently, I fear that I can never be able to live alone, I get severe anxiety and paranoia and when I am alone just the slightest noise scares me really bad, I think every noise is someone creeping on me wanting to hurt and kill me. When I get manic I can hardly sleep at all and I am up all night, I think about killing myself sometimes though I am not really ready to die yet so I wont, I think about death a lot and just say, "If I die today I would be ok with it, maybe even relieved. I am a catholic however I think that when you die your soul moves on to another vessel so you are reborn and I hope that my next life would be alot better then this. I do have a good life, I usually get stuff I want even though my family is very poor. Thats all for today.


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Edit July 8th, 2015. 5:30 PM medicine has slowed my mood swings also I have found out since writing this that I have been dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder as well as Bipolar Type II




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