Eel

Fixated

How many guys do I like? Is it a number?

I started swimming with the sophomores again, and I missed them so much. The weird thing about it was that I never thought Sam Cervantes liked me. But we're friends, or at least closer than we were before. I guess I would define that as his attempt to talk to me more or acknowledge I exist to some extent.

I saw them all shirtless for the first time, which was funny. I saw Zubair, Japheth, Cosby, Hunain, Sam, and Sergio, but I've seen Sergio shirtless quite a few times. It was interesting to me that it made me excited but it wasn't arousal. I wonder if I come off as desperate? I had seen Jason shirtless but there wasn't much to grade that on. All the brown boys were of course being insecure little girls about their bodies. I just don't like that I'm back at swimming.

For the most part, how I feel is empty. I feel that all of the friends I had obtained before during my sophomore year are completely not there anymore.

I was talking to Enrique about it, and apparently he doesn't see that I'm a bother. Even though I feel like I am. Every guy I talk to I feel like I bother. Why do I feel like that? Why do I feel like every guy I talk to just returns my feelings with whatever? I won't even have feelings for them sometimes, but they still talk to me like they're being cautious of me. Like I need to be kept a distance away from. The only people who return my affection wholeheartedly is Cosby and Jason. But then I lay awake at night just wondering if anyone else, even just one person, will show their affection the way I do. Don't be around the gay kid, right? Don't hang around him, because he's gay, and he'll turn you.

If I'm not alone, then why is there no one around me?
Why do I have to be the person that's alone?
Why can't I just be charismatic as everyone else?