hoseman1553

The Story of Me
2015-02-04 09:26:01 (UTC)

Long week

I haven't written in the past few days. The last part of this previous week was extremely long, or at least it felt as though it would never end. Friday I caved and told my wife that I wanted her to come home. It was a hard pill to swallow but, the combination of my son asking for mommy and saying he wanted her to come home along with the sinking feeling of having the house to myself made it easier to swallow. Having her home has eased some of the stress off of my body, I can literally feel the weight going away. I think it is mostly the fact that I know she is here and I'm not wondering a million different things-where is she? what is she doing? who is she talking to? Then there is everything that keeps lingering on, like this whole situation hasn't been alleviated, but the pain has been lessened. I want things to work out, or at least that is what I keep telling myself. I think the fact of losing her and being alone plays a big part in that. The other thing my conscience keeps asking is did I want her to come home so she wouldn't go to her graduation party without me? That was a major stressor towards the end of the week. She had a mutual friend of ours going with her initially, but it still didn't take the fear out of my mind. I was worried that just because she was going didn't mean that my wife would be aware of her surroundings. I was a little nervous going with her still, mainly because of my suspicions of one person. I'm glad I went though, because those suspicions were confirmed(at least in my opinion) when he was there and trying to get with another girl that was at the party also. I know I've gone completely insane and take things to the extreme now, but I rationalize and think they are normal for what I'm going through. I began asking myself this morning if I wanted her to come home because it made me feel more comfortable or because it was part of a routine that I'm used to having. Her not being here wasn't in my routine and it felt off, so having her here made me feel more secure. Again, it didn't make things go away. It almost makes me more panicked that I caved and if things don't get better, it will only hurt her more. I am not a church going man, but I do believe in God. Lately, I've been really wanting to ask him why he's putting me through this? My guardian angel and I have become closer as the days go on and it is beginning to frighten me. If you haven't caught on yet, my angel is a female, one that I've worked with for about a year now. She truly is a genuinely good person and why she helps me, I have yet to figure out. The fact is, she gives me a sense of comfort and peace that I haven't been able to feel on my own or even through therapy. She has come clean and said that she cares a lot about me and wants to see me happy. There is something, not sure what, but something deep inside me that is pushing me towards her..but I'm scared, no...I'm terrified. I'm terrified in the face that I won't be good enough because I am so damaged and mind fucked from what I've gone through and she will see that. I'm also terrified of letting go of everything that I have built up over the past 5 years of my life. Some say that the peace and comfort I get is because it is something "new". I agree, but I get that gut instinct that there is potential for it to be a lasting love. They always say "trust your gut" and it damn sure hasn't let me down yet, but damn it, my gut scares the living hell out of me. I am the type of person that always puts others before myself, its the way I have always been and probably why I love my job so much. That being said, leaving my wife would be heartbreaking for me to see her in pain and suffering. I have to remind myself on the daily that I haven't done anything wrong in this situation so I shouldn't be the one suffering, its just so damn hard to convince myself. The next few weeks are going to be long and hard, harder than anything in my life.




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