diamond_in_chains

Me, myself, and my f*cked up mind
2015-02-02 03:51:51 (UTC)

Why? What?

I don't really know what I'm writing about right now. I just feel like I really need to vent. I really need to cry. I've been talking about my dad a lot today and I guess I really miss him. It's empowering that I can talk about him without crying now but it is still hard and I still miss him. I feel like people judge me when I talk about him. Like i'm some sad little girl who lost her father. I wish he were still here... HIs best friend, who is like a second father is visiting here in a week or two so maybe I can see him again. That would be nice. It's gonna be emotional.

That's another thing. I miss Wisconsin. Or maybe I'm just sick of Florida. But I love it here. I have friends and my mom and sisters are here. My best friend and I sort of made up. But after so long without talking.... I don't understand why she isn't trying to talk more. I thought she would miss me.... It doesn't feel like she's being sincere.

Maybe I'm just angry. I hate that people can be so cruel. To anything. To anyone. I hate it. I don't want to be human but I love the human figure. I dunno.

Ugh. I need to stop doubting myself and just being confident in what I say and do.

I keep thinking about if I will ever find someone for me. I'm not desperate I'm just picky. That's another thing I don't get. People say have high standards.... don't settle... but then I set standards and they say oh don't judge people by their looks.

I don't. I will get to know somebody but when it comes to a relationship dynamic I want to be physically attracted to that person!!!! I'm sorry but I will not date someone if I am not attracted to them. If that makes me superficial so be it. I don't judge the person or think they are any less of a person, but I feel like sexual and physical relations are a HUGE part of a long term relationship. Not the only part by any means but a major one.

And why do emotions scare people away?!?!?! If I open up to someone and it scares them away... why does this happen? Are my emotions really that scary? The trust I have in you to let you see me at my weakest scares you? I don't like opening up to you I feel weak when I cry. Don't just leave when I finally open up.

And why do people leave... I understand that somethings just are not meant to be. I get that. But why do people say they care and act like they care and then just drop you? It's not fair.

And why do people fall for the ones who never treat us right?

And why must people be so possessive over others in a relationship? Can't you just be together? Not his or hers?? I hate feeling owned. I just want to feel close and connected.

Why do we fear loss?

Why do we even get connected in the first place!?

Human nature?? Why does that even have to exist? Does it exist??

Why do people cry? Like... tears aren't connected to a certain emotion. Why do we cry? Is it just a release? But a release of what?

I wish I could go through a physical challenge. Like being locked in a dark room made of glass with obstacles to get to the glass and I could break free. I could run at full speed and leave my fears and those whispering demons behind me. I feel like if I could do it physically it would be a huge release of fear and tension and anger and adrenaline. I don't know what I need but I need something.




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