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2015-01-31 22:27:05 (UTC)

Golden Light

"Swingin Party" by Lorde (the original is by The Replacements)

If being afraid is a crime
We hang side by side

January 31, 2015 Saturday 9:29 PM

Adrian was in my dream.

I was dreaming that I walked my dog and partway through some woods, I found a huge misty canyon. I myself could cross it, but I didn't want to risk April's (my dog) life, so I left her behind and took in the breathtaking view. There was fog, so I couldn't see the bottom of the canyon, but the sun was setting and all the trees had crimson leaves. I hopped on protruding rocks and managed cross the canyon on those. For awhile, I spent the dream exploring the strange wildlife. For some reason, I realized I needed to be home and I quickly made my way back to where I left April. I felt guilty for leaving her behind so long. She had a pathetic look on her face.

I rushed back home and had a huge fight with my parents. It was about the dog or something. Apparently it was Thanksgiving day and I spent way too much time walking her. All I remember is that I was shouting, but they couldn't hear anything I was saying.

My family used to have these friends with two sons (I call them the Hot Twins. I mentioned them two years ago on Thanksgiving day, haha) and we would spend every thanksgiving with them.

They moved away. We kept visiting them for Easter and Thanksgiving but eventually, we grew apart.

I miss their dog.

Anyway, the Hot Twins and their family, they were in my dream. I was angry because the Hot Twins remembered me as shy, awkward, and fat since that is how they last saw me. Well, now, I've lost some weight and I'm not as shy. I was angry that, out of all the times they could've seen me, they just HAD to see my ugly, puffy crying face. Yep. I'm vain, even in dreams.

For some reason, Adrian was there. Why? Why am I even asking? It's a fucking dream. Him being there means my mind was on him, even when all logic was asleep. Fuck.

Yeah, then for some reason, my mother got in a car accident. The Hot Twins' dad was also somehow my uncle. He hooked our wrecked car onto the back of his motorcycle (he doesn't actually have a motorcycle) and started racing away, with the car dragging behind us.

I thought he was taking us to the hospital. I cried into his shoulder and it didn't feel weird. He felt like close family. He did not feel like The Hot Twins' Dad.

We passed an amusement park and for no apparent reason, we rose and fell as if we were on the ride. Okay. I don't know how I don't end up throwing up in my sleep and choking to death on my own vomit.

We arrived at this strange resort place with golden light. My grandparents were there. Caroline, too. They carried my mother off somewhere, I guess to take care of her. My dad was somewhere. I wandered around, confused and crying. My grandma didn't feed me. She said it was because I wasn't invited. I was hurt but I was mostly wondering why no one was worried that my mom was bleeding to fucking DEATH.

 I sat in a chair. Adrian was sitting near me, along with the Hot Twins. The golden light was hitting him. I don't think I said anything about it, but I stared at him for awhile. He's very pretty in that kind of light. He looked like childhood.


I feel dizzy again, and the electrical shocks are racking my body. Maybe it's adrenaline. Epinephrine. Words that sounds nice.

I feel okay, though. I have a lot of sad thoughts but they are separate from my actual mood. I wake up feeling old and sad (my whole body hurts), but I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm depressed.

I'm not depressed. Maybe my body is depressed, but I am not. I say that because I'm always tired and I get these anxious shocks in my body, I often feel nauseas and hungry, I have headaches, and my body gets so cold when I'm alone.

My mind is not hopeless. It's hopelessly anxious, but not hopeless. I'm okay. I can breathe. There is no sadness in my lungs and the happiness is not larger than my actual body. It fits perfectly inside my head and stays separate from my thought process.

I am okay. I am really, truly okay. My mind, at least. I'm pretty sure my body is starting to rot, but hey!!! Whatever!!! If I die, I die. I wouldn't be too happy about it, but I guess at least I left something behind.

This. This stupid thing. Yeah. Oh god. Is this what the people I love will read??? or will it get lost??? Will people forget me?

Aw shit. I don't have to think about that right now. I'm not dying. I'm okay.

I'm actually okay. For once, I'm not just saying that because I don't really know what it is that I am feeling. Really, I'm perfectly good. I'm content. Yeah. This is nice.

Actually, I'm cold. Like, really fucking cold. Goodbye while I search frantically for a blanket.

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