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A Little Deforestation Never Hurt Anyone!
"I'd Let You Win" by Little Bear
[the title of this entry is a joke. Get it? Because deforestation hurts everything on the planet? get it? ahhahahahahah WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE yay great okay *cries for a long time* today is not a nice day]
January 30, 2015 Friday 3:34 PM
I've had no school all week because of midterms. Well, I went to school on Monday and Wednesday, but that's because I had tests. I also went yesterday with Olivia. She was supposed to have a club meeting or some shit but no one showed up so we just hung around in the empty school for awhile. We saw a few other students. We were in the cafeteria, reading.
I think normally, we'd be running around trying to have fun, but she was sick (I had been kind of babying her since the day before. I like taking care of sick loved ones. I like making them feel a bit better) and I had only gotten a few hours of sleep.
Here is how things have been: not good. Strange. Surreal.
I saw depressed-hispanic-kid yesterday from across the lunchroom. I wonder why he was there. I wonder why I genuinely want to know.
I quite like when no one is in school. I told Olivia that I wish I could come to school every day. I really would come. Maybe not in the morning, but I'd come just to spend time in the somewhat empty building with people I love and trust. I'd be there with no destination, no purpose. It's a small vacation. Good enough for me.
I remember going to school over christmas break. Most of the lights were off and doors were locked. We ran around with no shoes on on, shrieking and dancing and forgetting for a moment that we thought we were better than everyone else.
I wish I had somewhere to go. I wish my body would be warm again.
My nights have not been sleepless, just... strange. I've been sleeping in Caroline's room.
Olivia said, "You miss your sister."
I replied, "Why do you say that? I mean, I do, but what makes you say that right now?"
"You keep saying her name when referring to other people."
Maybe that's why I sleep in her room when she's gone, too. It doesn't feel like I miss her, though. It just feels like she's gone and eventually, she'll be back. Eventually.
I think there's something wrong with her bed because ever since I began sleeping in it, my nights have become strange.
The first night, I barely slept. I fell asleep relatively early but I woke up at 4 AM and couldn't sleep again until 7 AM. Then, I got up like two and a half hours later. I think I got enough sleep but I was just really tired all day. Then, I slept for like twelve hours the next day. The day after that, Olivia slept over and I got about five hours of restless sleep.
Last night, I last looked at the clock when it was 12:47 AM. I had been watching Pulp Fiction, just the beginning. I have seen that movie before but I quite like it, so I was re-watching it. I was at the part where Butch was speaking to Marsellus in the dark bar when I paused the movie, checked the time, and went to sleep. My body was so heavy. It'd been heavy since three PM.
Twelve hours later, I woke up and checked the time. It was 12:47 PM. It would've been all, "Woah! It's the same fucking time!" if I hadn't woken up a few times before (once around 7:20 and I think later at 10 AM).
(QUICK NOTE: I love the part in Pulp Fiction when Vince asks the bartender's opinion on an argument he is having about Mia Wallace and he puts his hands up and is all, "My name is Paul and this shits between y'all." I LOVE PAUL, AND THAT IS MY NEW SAYING.)
I had a strange, long nightmare. I can't clearly remember the beginning. I do remember being a secret agent of sorts. I was sent to Hawaii, which for some reason was just one big ass boat, with a few fellow agents. I don't think I was a government employee. Because I was watching Pulp Fiction, I think I had Vincent Vega's job. I forget Samuel L. Jackson's character name.
So I was smoking weed and huge cigars with some fancy people when we found out that the government had engineered a hurricane to come and hit Hawaii (remember, it's a state-sized cruise ship in the middle of the Pacific).
The whole ship erupted in fucking chaos. People starting hitting each other and gathering weapons. The whole boat tipped to a thirty degree angle for NO REASON and yeah. I saw depressed-hispanic-kid jump through a window with his faceless gang. He was holding a machine gun, I think. He went off and did whatever minor characters do in dreams. They probably stop existing.
I spent a long time running around the dream, crying. The whole ship looked like the inside of my high school, so I was rushing past people as they pulled rifles from their lockers. I tried a thousand doors and entered an employee bathroom. Water was spewing everywhere and I cried a lot.
This girl I know who I will call Asia grabbed me and I started running alongside her and someone else I recognized. It might've been Adrian but I can't be sure.
All I know is I spent the entire dream terrified and worried. I tripped over a murdered lioness at some point. Why the fuck did my surreal high school, state-sized cruise ship have a female lion on it? WHy? What the fuck?
When I woke up, I felt sick and depressed and I had to pee. My cat was purring next to me and I didn't really feel like I had woken up. I felt more like I had simply slipped into another nightmare, one a little more subtle than the last, and I cursed myself for not setting an alarm. I always get really depressed when I wake up past noon.
I think this is why I like surreal paintings. I am not crazy but everything for me is kind of surreal and smudged. Everything. Very rarely, the world is clear and visible and comprehensible. Normally, it's a blob of questions and unclear answers.
I always look back and wonder why I don't question certain things. I hear or see weird stuff sometimes and in a split second, I create a skewed "logical" explanation for its existence and everything is all right. Sometimes, people point this out to me or I later realize what I did. it scares me how easily I gloss over things.
Sometimes I feel like I'm one of the only people who can see the world for what it really is but I am reminded that if I can see the world as a whole, I must have a hard time seeing it clearly when it's right in my face.
I remind myself I'm not better than anyone else, even though sometimes I may think I am. It's weird because most of the time, I have low self-esteem and then I somehow make myself think I am this amazing, interesting, talented person and everyone loves me.
It's all a lie and I am just a regular person who isn't particularly good at anything at all.
I need to be reminded of this. I need to know my place. I need to remember that I don't know the world any better than anyone else.
Basically, I analyze and deny every thought I have.
Most of the time, I feel like I'm melting.