LustingforNightmares

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2015-01-24 21:51:55 (UTC)

Ham On Fuckin' Rye


"Life Like Weeds" by Modest Mouse

January 24, 2015 Saturday 8:53 PM


Today is Ethan's birthday. He is twenty. He and Caroline both went back to college today and now I'm sad. I miss him more than Caroline only because I know Caroline will always be there, be connected, with me. Ethan, I'm not so sure. He's like a brother to me but that's the thing: he's not actually my brother. He's got no reason to stick around and call, he's usually not here on holidays, and when he goes home, it's to his house, not ours.

I've only spent one thanksgiving with him and it was like two years ago.

I kinda wish he just lived with us, but of course, he has a home and people who probably love him. I never see him, though, 'cause he's always working and he's tired and sick all the time. So now he's in college and I probably won't see him for three months. Caroline will be home in two weeks to visit. I love her. I also love him, though, and I think he's easier to lose.

I wish he'd stop being mean to his body. He smokes cigarettes and I feel like he probably drinks a lot. I really wish he wouldn't. I want him to be around for a long time. I want him to be family. Living family. Not dead family.

I feel like he must be really sad. Maybe I'm wrong, but if I were him, I'd cry every night. I'm weak, though, and I didn't grow up like he did. He had a pretty hard early life (long story short: a little kid who would steal things with his younger brother because his mom was into drugs or she was schizophrenic, I can't remember, and his dad was out of the picture. He was going to be adopted by his rich uncle, but that uncle broke his back, so he and his brother ended up moving in with his aunt and uncle across the street from my house. This is how he became our neighbor).

Yeah, I dunno.

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I'm all sad and empty.

I think I just had a fight with Olivia? I can't tell, though. She seemed mad but we were texting and emotions are hard to read when all you have is dialogue and no description.

Anyway, yeah, whatever. I guess it's over. I would've liked if we fought. I never fight with my friends and sometimes, I feel like friendship isn't real unless you fight.

She's coming over Wednesday and I am excited.

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I'm still thinking about Adrian. I like him a lot. I'm actually going to try and flirt, because I realize that I have been treating him the same way I treat every boy. I am a lot closer to other girls than boys, mostly because they tend to be more trustworthy.

I don't think he likes me that way but whatever, even if he doesn't, I'd still like to be a friend of his. I'd like it to be normal for us to hug and whatnot, normal like it is to hug other girls. You know? I'd like at least that.

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I just finished Ham On Rye by Charles Bukowski.

It reminded me of Catcher In The Rye, kind of. Henry, the main character, didn't use the word "phony" but he kind of did describe the fakeness and obliviousness of people.

Also, both Henry and Holden Caulfield are kind of assholes and I weirdly like that. The story didn't seem to have much point, but it was strangely beautiful and I am thinking a lot about it. He could be very crude but even that was in a way, charming. He didn't try to hide his nature, you know?

  Henry was a lot worse than Holden but whatever. I wonder if Bukowski was actually that cynical? I do not agree with his world view. People can really fucking suck but he was just blind to the beauty. He thought he could see clearly but if that were really true, he wouldn't have been so angry about everything.

Emotion is blinding. You can't look at the world like that. You just can't.


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