The Real Me
I think Dr M thinks Ive had lots of boyfriends and relationships or more so that I have alot of experience. I dont think that is necessarly true. I think he probably has had more sex than me and more sexual relations. I mean my first real boyfriend that I have had sex with was 2 years ago and that was M, the guy before Dr M.
After that I havn't really had sex with anyone else..well...actually no wait and with V and some other guy- french guy from work who basically took advantage of me.Typical. we went out to catch up for work drinks and he knew I didnt like him in that way because I had told him so...and there I ended up. To be honest I think he drugged me. Because I have never ever lost consiousness (apart from that other time) anyway it doesnt matter...it was like a few seconds so I dont know if that counts.
So yes with V i did it once on valentines day and with french guy for a few seconds and never saw him again.
Before M was Andy...ew. I dont even like to remember that. I lost my virginity to him. I changed my mind and said no, he put it in anyway and there you go, I was no longer a virgin...If he had listened and not put it in...i reckon I may have still been a virgin till now.
Sex with Dr M...is...really good.
I went through Dr M's laptop...he wasnt happy that I invaded his privacy I found two pictures of his ex gf dated back in 2012. He says she was a bitch and he hates her...there is a thin line between love and hate ;)
How do I feeL? Im reverting back to my narcissistic ways. Well currently anyway, who knows how I will feel next week. Im blocking of emotion, love, care etc. Because it is easier to not let people see my vulnerability. I let him see my insecure paranoid side...I dont like it. I will be more ...me again...the bad wicked me. To cause havoc and wreck is easier. To wear a chip on my shoulder is easier. But to have to look at who I have become due to circumstance and to accept that everything that has happened to me is fine and that I should now be "moral and follow social norms" well that...fuck that. Because I cannot do it. How do you forgive something that ever apoloagised to you, how do you resolve something that is already dead and gone. And how do you follow social norms that has always let you down and never taken your side? Fuck rules.