January 21, 2015 Wednesday 10:51 PM
I don't understand myself.
I've only had one HUGE crush before and it really sucked. I knew for a fact he didn't like me that way and also we weren't even friends so I just felt creepy. The thing was I read his blog and whatnot and I am attracted to
Sense of humor
And physical appearance
And he has all of those. Well, of course he has a physical appearance. I mean, he was pretty.
Point is, I couldn't stop thinking about him and I couldn't even understand why so it was torturous and I'm glad that ended months ago.
But like?? I can't understand why I've always been so drawn to him. So curious about him. I really don't get it.
I get this really strong urge to be his friend. A really fucking strong urge. I never acted upon it, at first because I was shy (Now I'm more socially awkward than shy) and now because I kinda don't care/some part of me tells me to stay away.
Stay away because:
1. Strong feelings for no FUCKING reason??
2. Everyone says he's a dick. I shouldn't be relying on what everyone else says but I can see how it might be true. Anyway, I shouldn't risk it because reason number one.
I just, ugh, I don't get it and I wish I had these strong feelings for someone OTHER than him. I don't have a crush on his anymore but I happened to be kind of close to him today and the thought of him nagged At me for like the next hour.
That's crazy. That's fucking crazy. Avoid, avoid, avoid.
Ugh I have a migraine. Sorry. I'm trying to sleep and I can't stop thinking about how annoying feelings are and how I don't understand why I am so drawn to him for no reason. Hopefully this entry made me chill and I'll be okay.
Oh, also? I'm dissecting a pig in science and it's interesting. Possible career? I know it sounds weird but I'm serious. I've always been interested in this kind of stuff and I found it fascinating.
My friend was grossed out when I told her but I really think it's something I can do. I am not disgusted by dead things. In fact, I've always thought they were cool. Not like, "lemme go murder someone" cool but "hmm, I wonder how this thing died?" Type cool.
Maybe I'm just super morbid.
I was kind of grossed out when I was trying to cut apart the watchmacallit membranes that hold together the intestines because I got actual shit on my fingers but I washed it off so it's all good.