Oh, Yay, A List
"Give Me Something" by Seafret
Lost the way
Lost all reason
January 19, 2015 Monday 10:57 PM
GETTING THINGS OUT IN THE FORM OF A LIST
1. I am very insecure about my intelligence.
2. Sometimes, I talk to my friends and I attempt to share things with them and they just get this uncomfortable look on their face and they get all quiet so I decide that I'll never share anything with them again, not if it's going to feel like that.
What sucks is I have friends who don't ask me how I'm doing but they smother me with their issues and I want to help, I do, but I can't. I can't. I feel selfish, not being able to do shit and not being able to speak, but apparently that's how it is.
3. I fold things when I am anxious or if I just want to feel better. I used to just make tissues into triangles but I learned how to make boxes and paper cranes, so now I try and do that.
4. I get very scared when touching people in certain situations. Like cuddling or with my head on your lap. My thoughts go to fast and I feel disgusting and wrong and
It's not okay. It's not like I touch people who I feel uncomfortable around, it's people I should trust. I can't, though. I can't.
I can remember all the dirty memories of me hugging my mom or leaning on her shoulder and feeling like a disgusting human being just for touching her. That is not okay but it is what I learned to live with.
It's hard to hug my dad, too, and my sister. Yes, even my fucking sister. I can hug her easily for no reason but as soon as emotions are involved, I can't stand being touched by anyone, I feel gross.
This is why I didn't move when I got my first kiss. I was uncomfortable, I didn't know what to do, how to react, and I was not okay with what was happening.
This is why I didn't react when Brian kissed my neck. First of all, what the FUCK, Brian, we were just cuddling, who ARE you??? No, haha. Whatever. Sorry, Brian.
The point is: I should not feel gross when hugging my own mother. She has always done right by me and I love her. I can't explain why I feel less than human during these moments.
5. I tell you I love you more often than necessary because I'm afraid you're going to die.
I was an anxious child! I remember first grade, I was about to walk to my elementary school. I think I had left the house and I had racing thoughts, "What if somehting happens while I'm gone? What if they die? Oh my god, oh my god, what if they die thinking I hated them?"
And so I ran back inside and told everyone I loved them. I still do that today. It's a habit. I want them to know, I want them to know so they realize if they go, I will miss them so much and I am so thankful for their existence.
6. I am actually close to my family. They are very supportive people. We live very far away from the rest of our family so all we have is each other. Because my sister and I have both been hospitalized for mental issues, they are also pretty supportive of that, too. Before then, I don't think they thought it was possible for us to have anxiety disorders. For a long time, even though my sister kept insisting she wanted to go to the doctors, my parents did not believe she had ADD. Finally, she got the tests and the ADD kept getting worse so they accepted it and all is well. Kind of. I mean, we still struggle with that shit and sometimes I worry I am going to develop ADD.
I doubt I will, but my paranoia suggests otherwise and my paranoia is pretty much always awake.
She's all, "You never can stay focused in class."
And, "It didn't start getting really bad for Caroline until high school came to a close."
And, "It's in the family, you know. Daxton has it."
"Think of all the things you've forgotten. All the walking into rooms and forgetting why. Think about it."
Again, I'm pretty sure I'm normal and I have functioned pretty well as far as focusing is concerned ever since the doctors started treating my anxiety. I can usually control what I focus on. Before, I would have paranoid thoughts all the time and I'd have visions in my brain. Like, it was weird. I almost saw things but once I realized that my attention was split in a thousand different directions, the lil visions would disappear.
Imagination has a dark side, I guess.
7. MY PARANOIA IS INSANE, OH MY GOD. I get paranoid over the smallest things and even though I try not to believe anything my brain is saying.... I fall through the cracks at times.
It's easier for me to believe that what I think is true, a lot easier than it is to convince myself that I'm being crazy.
At the height of my anxiety, I'd make up elaborate reasons as to why people hated me or why they gave me certain looks. EVERYTHING had a fucking crazy ass reason and one time, I thought a random person was going to kidnap me.
Actually, I might've been right about that. The car had tinted windows and was going really fucking slow and when I started walking away, it looped around and started following me. So then I started crying and running because, yeah.
This is pretty much it for now, I guess. Sorry?