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Romantic-type feelings towards other human beings (and I guess creatures who are not human??? Although I've never fallen in love with something like that so..) make me uncomfortable, so i will try to make the following sentences as impersonal as possible.
First of all, I don't have a crush on him. If anything, I have a crush on his hair. That's weird. Okay.
But really, he has nice hair. Ya can't deny. I weirdly think about it a lot. Not him, his hair. I try not to give him a personality. I talk to him regularly and shit but I don't know him well enough to pretend he's in my head or whatever. I also don't know him well enough to have a crush on him.
BUT. BUT. His hair is really fluffy and bright and I have a very strange urge to run my fingers through it. I have seen it messy and it's so friggin cute, oh my god. How do boys become cute.
(the waves in my brain, they're being strange and I feel like I'm going to faint)
Anyway, so yeah, he's very pretty and has cool veins and cool hair.
I am interested in him but I have a gut feeling that if I don't already have a crush on him that I probably won't get one.
I feel really fucked up lately and I don't think I'd be able to handle having a boyfriend. It seems kind of like a hassle. Like, damn, you have to get to KNOW this person and you have to worry about how your mouth tastes and how your eyes look from two inches away. You have to worry about how you smell all the time and how you move. You need to worry about other people judging you (actually, you don't have to but I CAN'T HELP IT MAN) and
I've already met his parents but I get this weird feeling that his mom doesn't like me so I'd rather not stress over that
And then you can't even cuddle and kiss all that much because really, you spend a lot more time in school than at home. I know that doesn't sound right but I spent like two hours in the morning preparing for school and then I spend another two hours after school getting home and doing homework. Shortly after that, it gets dark and I get ready for bed and I watch some TV for a couple hours and I go to sleep.
So even if you hung out after school you wouldn't have a lot of time to do anything which is basically the reason I don't do anything after school excepting clubs.
All I want is someone to sleep with, to cuddle and kiss. I really don't need to emotions part so much, especially since I think I'm pretty difficult.
I don't like saying I'm fucked up because there are people who have it a lot worse than I do, but there are a LOT of times when I feel really fucking bad and if I were to release all that onto a single human being, he would probably run away screaming.
I don't trust people to be okay with how terrible I feel much of the time which is why I keep it inside, other than this diary. I like this thing here because no one is required to read all my bullshit. You have a choice.
I love feedback because it's like, "wow, someone actually read my shit," and it's just kind of nice sometimes.
The point is, he's pretty and it would be nice to hold his hand and make him feel good, but, BUT.... That seems like something that might escalate and I can't handle that. I am very, very fragile. It sucks, but it's true.
Also??? I feel like some people think I'm a lesbian because I love Lily a shitload and I am painting a picture of her but they dON'T UNDERSTAND
I love her. I literally love her so fucking much and she is so beautiful and perfectly imperfect, BUT, BUT she is more like a strange sister who lives nearby.
Girls are cool and all but I've only ever had romantical (it's not a word but it sounds cool ok?) attractions towards boys. Girls are so hot, though. Actually, boys and girls are equally fucking hot.
Sometimes, it seems like girls surpass boys but I think that's just because we try really hard while boys were never really taught to rely too much on their looks.
SO yeah, apparently I like beards and fluffy, bright orange hair. That's cool. HE HAS COMPLEMENTARY COLORS ON HIS SKIN. HE'S PALE SO YOU CAN SEE HIS VEINS AND THE BLUE CONTRASTS WITH THE COLOR OF HIS HAIR AND??? HE'S ART, HE'S FUCKING ART, HE IS A VERY PRETTY BOY
Sorry about that little outburst. I get really excited when I see naturally beautiful people with colorful bodies. They remind me of paintings and photos.
I know that, despite this entry being posted a half an hour after the last one, my thoughts are drastically different from what they were just an hour ago.
I can't explain it. I wish I knew. I wish I understood why I drift in and out of sad fogs
(I am reading a book by Bukowski and I love that he says Kindergarten for him was mostly just white mist because I UNDERSTAND WHAT HE MEANS, OH MY GOD, he is good)
yeah, well, I don't. I don't know. I just change, I shift, and I become something completely different. It makes me feel like a liar and I hate that I change like this so much. In fact, it's kind of making me foggy again, just thinking about it.
*Cecil Palmer voice* <<<Welcome To Night Vale reference
Goodnight, human beings. Goodnight.