how can I be so happy and so conflicted at the same time? Feelings of grieving, and loss; these stirred, and formerly mostly dormant, feelings of abandonment and rejection. All swirling within me like a rumbling tempest.
I love J. I love him so much. I am so happy and grateful to have such a good man in my life. My love for him is untouched by the sadness and turmoil that I feel whirl-winding within.
I am still grieving the loss of my former love. But what's really the point of the pain is what little interest he seemed to take in his sweet baby growing in my belly.
I suppose I imagined that we would all 3 surround this precious miracle and all want to be involved. Why not? My former lover used to tell me how he envisioned living across the street from his daughter and ex-wife. How he might have dinner with them and we could all be a family. It breaks my heart that he was so loving and vested in his daughter with his ex and no interest in our creation.
I realize that much of what is coming up for me are my own unhealed issues around abandonment and neglect. I also realized early on that this baby would be an opportunity to heal some of these old wounds. I guess the thing is that because of the emotional storm that I am experiencing my judgement is very clouded around this issue.
Are my feelings around G's disinterest in this, his, our child, solely from my own experiences? Or is it natural for me to feel a sense of hurt from this seeming disregard? And because of my confusion and pain around this feeling of being abandoned in a way, I wonder, am I not appreciating the very loving and caring man who has come into my life. The one who regardless of who's (DNA-wise) baby this is has claimed himself the father and who shows up happy, loving and supportive in my life.
Am I just replaying old scenarios in an effort to heal these old wounds??
For now, I am taking no action on these hurt feelings, not really. I continue to observe them, acknowledge them, and try to be with the pain. I allow myself to cry, and I've started to share this emotional dilemma with some of my close friends.
I keep coming back to, 'how could he not want anything to do with his own child? Nothing?' But I used to ask the same thing of my own parents. Perhaps his standing back is a loving gesture, a kindness to J? I cannot see through my own pain. I continue to purge with tears.