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2015-01-16 20:34:16 (UTC)


"Taro" by Alt-J

January 16, 2015 Friday 7:36 PM

I wish my moods would calm down a little bit. I'm not even on my period or anything. Not that my moods go crazy when I have my periods. Actually, my periods are pretty much like any other normal week, except for my body has blood coming out of it, so.... Other girls get terrible cramps and mood swings but I've never really had an issue with that.

Anyway. That's not the point. I am shit.

Yesterday, I got really upset with my mom for no reason. My momma cooked for me and she was eating at the table. I was eating in the living room (I found the semi-darkness comfortable) while watching It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia (god that show is so fucking funny).

She asked me to come to the table to eat and she sounded kind of mad so I blew up and started arguing her and was all, "I don't want to be around people, I want to sit in the dark and eat and not think."

She threatened to take my phone away and even though I barely text anyone, I'm pretty damn attached to the thing so I just went upstairs crying because of the light.

See, that's the confusing part. I suddenly got really hysterical and was saying, "I don't wanna look at the light, I can't look at the light" and it was almost like a living thing, glaring at me and casting shadows on all my flaws.

I'm downplaying how bratty I was actually being. I was being so shitty for no reason. I've actually kind of just been pretty mean this week and I can always feel my lungs. I can always feel them and they hurt a little bit, or maybe it's my heart. Maybe my arteries are shriveling up and I'm living on watered-down blood, racing through me (somehow, it also feels like it's flowing so slow, so slow).

I'm clenching my fists now and fighting the chills in my body while also trying to understand why earlier, I was in this beautiful, suffocating mood where everything was clear and beautiful and complicated but understandable.

I could see things, I could see it, and I asked myself questions as I stared out the window, "Why is there existence? Why is there existence instead of nothingness?"

Because, see (and yeah I know I sounded high), I had been thinking about it and while I could find causes for my existence and the existence of the human race and so on, I couldn't figure out why anything really exists at all. See, there are causes but WHY? Why are there causes? Why isn't there nothing? What was the first cause? Was there a first cause? Is it possible for there to be a first cause? How can something exist without something else first causing it to exist?

And see, at the time, it was gorgeous and these were questions that meandered by me but now, they're speeding around my head, buzzing like flies. God, I hate flies. They inspire a paranoia in me like nothing else. I hate when I can hear something but I can't tell where it comes from.

(I couldn't look at the light, it was so bright and it could see me, it could SEE ME and it knew, it knew that I was a lie, and I never wanted to lie. I swear I never wanted anyone to hurt, not ever, I just wanted everything to be good and I didn't mean to do what I did, I didn't ever mean it, not one bit, it just invaded me and humanity and suddenly, I wasn't above it anymore)

I felt good. I realized that while for the majority of my life, my parents yelled at me for listening to music while studying that it music is a trigger for my best thoughts and they don't seem to understand that.

I was also aware of my happiness and so, so painfully aware that it was bigger than my body was, so big that it surrounded me and oxygen had a hard time squeezing itself into my lungs. I let it go, let it be around me, throughout me, and I was only there, in that moment. I was only right there, in the car on the way home, holding a sandwich like you'd hold a baby, staring out the window and wondering why the sky looked like cotton candy.

Happiness shouldn't hurt.

Happiness shouldn't be overwhelming.

It shouldn't be laced with something else, an emotion I can't place, an emotion I do not want to define quite yet.

I don't feel good anymore, and I still can't breathe. I am actually beginning to wonder how long I have been suffocating. Days? Weeks? Months?

Even years?

Not years, no. I can't remember the last time I inhaled and felt like I was just breathing, but I know it hasn't been years.

My fingers are cold.

I need hands, I need lips, I need hair to run my fingers through, I need any moment that is not this moment.

I don't want to feel like I'm being crushed anymore, I want to breathe without feeling like I've been running forever, I don't want to doubt myself, I just want to be okay.

And don't I always wish to be okay? I get my wish, too. I get it, for a short time, and then the poisoned adrenaline comes back and holds a marathon in my body and I wonder why I still sleep.

Even when I sleep, I am haunted by nightmares and they are so fucking mundane, so mundane, but if they were to happen in real life, I'd be hurt and scared and I'd never talk to people again. I wouldn't believe that humanity is good.

Last night, in my nightmare, my mother yelled at me for saying the phrase "the other day".

She said, "What, are you a fucking two year old? 'the other fucking day'? Are you kidding me? You're so stupid."

I was speechless and I wanted to cry but I figured she'd only yell at me more. The entire dream consisted of me being insulted by the people I love the most. Luckily, I can barely remember it. I still looked around at students warily as I walked down the hall. I didn't want them to hurt me. Oh god, please don't hurt me.

Please don't hurt me, I can already feel the pain and I'm thinking maybe that I am being punished. That's bullshit, though, there is no one that could be punishing me in this way but paranoia has already taken over and I have been thinking slightly crazy thoughts for a long time now.

I had a nightmare that I was trapped in a maze. I wasn't strong enough to break down the iron gates that blocked the pathways.

I wasn't strong enough.

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