LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2015-01-13 22:25:21 (UTC)

Reasons


January 13, 2014 Tuesday 9:25 PM

I prefer having reasons for everything, even if I'm unsure as to what that reason is.

My life runs on reasons.

I don't even like running without a reason. I want it to be about health benefits or chasing a ball or running away from an axe murderer or some shit.

This is why I'm not religious. Why should I be? There is no real reason. I mean, you could tell me about the benefits, like not feeling responsible for everything in your life or feeling like life has some meaning but...

First of all, I'd rather feel responsible for my life than the other way around. I'd rather feel like I'm doing something myself and I am making everything okay. Second, I find meaning in things other than an afterlife (or whatever it is religion provides, meaning-wise).

I find it beautiful that I am just a temporary vessel for my genes. I pass them on and on and, in a sense, I live forever. Well, I guess I really don't. Everything that makes me myself would be gone but hey... DNA, man.

The point is, I can't find reasons for being religious. I guess I can see why others rely on religion but I just can't do that. I feel like my view of the world would be clouded. Why would I want a blurry vision of everything?

It's so beautiful out there, despite how ephemeral it is.

Actually, maybe its fleeting way enhances how pretty it is.

These words aren't new or anything. I kinda went off on a tangent for no reason at all.

I am worried and I kind of want to sob really hard for a really long time but I won't do that. No. I won't do anything. I'll just live life like every day is the same and I'll work hard, I'll run through time so I can get to that mother fucking ball.

Goddamnit.

I really want to make it into that art program and I am afraid I won't because I am almost completely self taught and I don't think that's good enough.

My hair is soft and it smells good. I can smell the cocoa butter lotion that I put on earlier. Sometimes, I experience myself vividly. I realize the little things I do and think, the ways I blink, the ways I twitch as I'm falling asleep (I probably twitch when I'm actually asleep too).

Today, I noticed that my nightmares are becoming less "pleasant". I used to like the fear but my nightmares are a lot less OH-MY-GOD-THERE-IS-A-GODDAMN-MURDERER and a lot more I-AM-SUPER-ANXIOUS.

So instead of me murdering people/people i love dying/me being murdered/me killing myself,

I experience in my dreams anxiety causing things that can actually happen in real life, like my hair falling out in chunks or my face suddenly erupting or some shit. Or me being beat up and trying so hard to fight back but my muscles are just too heavy.

They make me nervous and they're not pleasant or exciting in any way, I just want to cry. At least they aren't the spider nightmares, though. Those are genuinely terrifying and not in the cool way.

I wonder why I have so many nightmares. I wonder if anything big ever happened to me that I've blocked out or maybe I was just so anxious as a child that it feels like something did.

I remember strange things from my childhood and yeah, I've always had so much anxiety. I am very glad they diagnosed me with GAD. It makes me feel a little less weird and lost. I like having the label because it's a reason.

Well, it's a name for the reason but that's good enough for me. It's the reason I have had such a hard time in my life and why the simplest things are difficult for me. It's why I still have a lot of trouble opening up to the people closest to me. It's just a reason and reasons are good because they make solutions easy to see.

Ever since I wrote that one entry where I talked about that time when I was little and my sister's friend touched me weirdly, I keep thinking about it at the weirdest times and I frown a lot because of it. It doesn't make sense.

And, on an unrelated note (see I had been thinking about this yesterday and both Caroline and Ethan had been present. Also, I didn't know Ethan when I was little and the perpetrator was a girl), I want to show Olivia that Ethan is good.

I know she has a bad impression of him because he is an asshole but Ethan is amazing at heart. She would understand if she were around him as much as I am. Once you get past his mean-ness (you have to learn not to take his insults seriously), he really can be super nice. He just tries to be nice when no one notices.

Caroline has told me that he does a lot of kind things but there's no way he'll ever tell you, you have to have been there to see him in action.

Anyway, it's his way to joke around and his jokes are usually insults which is not okay for some people. I hated it at first since I'm sensitive but yeah. Sometimes, he still hurts me because that's bound to happen but mostly it doesn't matter.

That's all. I'm tired.

PS:

TODAY PEOPLE SAID I WAS REALLY PRETTY. LIKE THEY SAID THAT. TO ME. AND THEY MEANT IT. AND I DIDN'T ASK. I MEAN THEY WERE LOOKING AT ME AND THEY WENT, "YOU'RE REALLY PRETTY" AND "YEAH SHE'S GORGEOUS" GODDAMN I LOVE PEOPLE


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