LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2015-01-11 13:51:51 (UTC)

Summer Art Program

"Mother & Father" by Broods

The nights are getting shorter
I don’t know where they go
And I am getting older
And it's starting to show

....

I don’t want to wake up lonely
I don’t want to just be fine
I don't want to keep on hoping
Forget what I have in mind

January 11, 2014 Sunday 12:54 PM


I had very gay dreams last night, haha. At some point, I was watching a loving couple make out (they were both men) before one of them got murdered and I think I was making out with a girl at some point.

This is all normal for my dreams. I have heterosexual dreams, too. Either way, everything is okay.

----

Lily sent me a long, beautiful message at four in the morning last night.

See, THIS is why I love her so fucking much. So much that words can't describe it. I love her so much.

I can't help comparing the rest of my friends to her. I think about it sometimes and I have come to the conclusion that maybe we are such a perfect duo because we grew up together.

I feel like a lot of the time, Lily is quiet. She is inside her head and doesn't share much. Even thought it seems like she is this way, I feel like I understand her and she understands me.

Sometimes, we have deep conversations and I find that we have a lot of the same experiences with anxiety and our opinions on the world.

No amount of words could describe her, really, and I am so so sooo lucky to have her as a friend. I don't even know why she even likes me but apparently she does because she sends me long, affectionate messages and I can put my head in her lap when we're watching movies and she'll run her fingers through my hair.

What I love the most is the fact that she thinks about me when I'm not there and she thinks to herself, "Wow, she oughtta know how much I love her"

Scanning over this, we seem more like a lesbian couple than we do best friends which is why we often tell each other that we have the best almost platonic friendship ever.

But yeah, she is like my sister and I love her so much which is probably why I have nightmares where either her or Caroline dies in my arms and I am left alone in the world and nothing is ever alright again.

---

"Never Gonna Change" by Broods [Thank Olivia for getting me into Broods. Goddamn, this is a good band. I love Olivia, she is special. I wish I knew her longer]

---


Lily is so, so, so good and so perfect. I mean, obviously she is not perfect but that somehow makes her even more perfect. I know perfection is not a thing but if it was, Lily would be it.

Her name is not Lily in real life but sometimes I call her it anyway. I think it bothers her but I use it because I am trying to show my affection. I don't know.

---


GUESS WHAT I AM DOING.

I am going to apply to a New York State summer art program.

I have to apply and I have to be accepted. My application is due in a month and I'm crazy anxious about it but I don't even care.

This program sounds AMAZING. It requires tuition but I don't know if we can pay it so I will try for a scholarship.

Anyway, it's a month at a college campus where I will be staying. I am applying for the visual arts program and they teach you how to do a bunch of things, like sculpting and painting and whatever the fuck else. I am so excited and nervous.

I am actually really afraid I won't get in.

When I tell my friends I am scared, they just roll their eyes and say I am a shoo-in but I go to a crappy high school where there are very few artists.

That summer program is going to have amazing teen artists and I am afraid I don't fit in. Also, I will be awkward but the social part of the program is not what I am worried about. I just want to be amazing.

Sometimes, i worry that hopes for myself are higher than my talent allows me to go.


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