Prosie

Hello Cliff.
2015-01-06 05:51:33 (UTC)

Shutting down

I can't speak anymore. I lose words when he's here. I don't want to say anything. He's frustrated with me. He says he knows I worry too much about what he thinks. 'What are you thinking about? I see the cogs turning about in there. That's an awfully short, often used phrase for all the thinking going on in there.' What in the world can I tell you? That when we're together, I can sense a terrible distance between us? That it's growing bigger every time we meet? That sex is becoming a salve? That I feel paralyzed? That I'm afraid of everything I do and say and everything I don't? I don't want to talk about it, because for you, it's so easy. 'Just express yourself, just say it, just like that. It's not as difficult as you think.'
I don't know what you want from me. I can't figure it out. You want me to speak, but what? All that builds up behind the wall is crazy.
All I say is 'I'm sorry.' Over and over and over again. It doesn't fix much. He's getting tired of my apologies. He's getting tired of me. I'm getting tired of me. I'm not an interesting person. I'm a recluse. I hate people, I hate parties, I hate pressure. I shrink away from friendships. The walls close up and the happiness gets squeezed out. This happens with everyone, and I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to stop running away.
I constantly feel like I'm shriveling, like I'm losing what makes me human, smart, clever, capable. Running out of resources. Constantly on the edge of insanity or depression or desperation. And I'm ruining things again. I can sense it. I always ruin things.
Please help. Aiyaiyai your plate is already full. You can't deal with me right now, you don't have the time or energy, and I don't even know what's wrong. I can't do that to you. You'll cast me off. You can't afford any more burdens.




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