Middle Child

Listen. Don't Speak.
2015-01-03 03:19:31 (UTC)

2 Years later... of Love.

I know I always say this when I re-read my diary entries, but it has most definitely been a very long time and a very hard time.

One thing I want to point out to myself... Leave love alone. I've been searching for love since 2008! It's 2015 and I'm still looking.

I should mention that I did find love in 2012-2014. It was the best love yet, but not my favourite love.

He came into my life September 2012. This was the time when my anxiety was simmering down, but the stress level of starting school again was ever so present. We did meet on-line. I believe we met on pof. We chatted via email for about a month before we decided to meet one another (I'm proud of myself for playing it safe). From what I can recall, our first date was great! We both wanted to spend more time with each other and he did was every guy should do when they leave a great date - text her! He texted later that night to tell me he had a great time and wanted to see me whenever it was possible. He gave me butterflies.

Let me explain why he was the best love. He was so open to trying anything and doing everything with me. Whenever I wanted to go somewhere or do something, he was just as excited as I was about it. We had similar sense of humour, great looking guy - we looked like a great couple. I was fully myself with this guy! I farted, I picked my nose and his nose. I did my animated voices and he kissed me. I obsessed over cats, meowed, and hissed - he chimed in. He was the first guy I dated who lived on his own and it was quite nice. He gave me a key to his place and I studied at his place when class finished early. I made dinner for him when he came home, and we later cuddled and he took me home. It was the best love.

But, he wasn't my favourite love.

We fought like any couple would. We fought about money. We didn't share an account and one didn't make much more than the other. We were both starting out careers (well, I was about a year later). He wasn't much into sharing and 1.5 years later, he would request the server to split our dinner bills. I think I spoiled him by buying him things he liked whenever we went to the mall and I didn't get that in return. He bought me things that included him, like tickets to a soccer game and hockey game. It's the small things that mattered to me and sometimes money shouldn't be a factor but the thought that knowing a toque or gloves would make me happy, why not spend $30? Why not pay for my coffee and treat me to breakfast, as much as I did with him? Why was I paying for my train tickets to visit his family? Why did I spend my money buying groceries when he was such a picky eater who sometimes would not eat the meals I cooked for him?

When we broke up, I stood my ground like never before. I was not going to allow him to hurt me and give him the satisfaction of hearing me cry over the phone. I was told I was being a 'cold hearted bitch' and that I was 'different'. I wish I had told him that I didn't change, I was just fed up with a lot of things and I wasn't going to allow for it any longer. I kept my mouth shut when I was upset. It's a flaw of mine and I know it. I can acknowledge it.

That was my love story of 2012-2014. It started off perfect and every way, and ended in a horrific walking dead scene.

Since April or May I went back to online dating and decided to try out the new trending app called Tinder. Oh boy was it ever fun! It quite enjoyed it and loved the distance factor, but it was creepy in a sense that the person next to me at Starbucks could be tindering too! Oh, the swipping! I become a pro swipper! If you're reading between the lines, yes, yes I did judge a picture in a matter of 0.01 seconds. As for karma, I did swipe good ones many times.. oh the one that got away!

As I'm sitting here, I'm very much curious to know how many dates I've been on since my last relationship. I know it was a lot, because I cannot keep track, nor can my girlfriends. I've come to the realization that I am a serial dater. I have that syndrome. I'm in love with the thought of FINDING love. I suppose it's better than being in love with being in love?

Over the course of a few days, I'm going to put my 'dating' cap on and write down the number of guys I went on a date with... and never heard from again.

I always want to update myself on my career. A lot of great things came my way, and then the wave took it back into the sea. It's something that has been effecting me for a long time, and I don't feel like writing them down. I don't want to relive those feelings when all I want to do is bury them away and never ever feel them again. I also believe that writing it down and reading this in another 5 years will help me remember when I was and remind myself how strong I've been. I need to do this for my future self.