2015-01-02 14:26:53 (UTC)

I Think I Died Last Night

"Georgia" by Vance Joy

January 2, 2015 Friday 1:30 PM

First entry of the year... Was that even worth saying? Probably not.


Brian sucks and makes me mad because after he kissed my neck, he started avoiding me and wasn't all that nice to me when we did talk and fuck him, fuuuccckk. Boys are so fucking fragile. It reminded me of John, too. He asked if he could have nudes and after I said no, he wouldn't fucking talk to me. I know there are nice boys out there but apparently, I only get to know the ones who want to... what? I don't even know how to put it but it makes me angry because I am more than how they treat me.

What makes me angrier is that Brian had the ability to make me feel so bad about myself when it's HIS fucking fault. It's funny because if he would've tried to touch me again, I would've kissed him. I had tricked myself into thinking he was nice and I was special. I don't even like him that much but it was nice having someone to hold close, you know? The feelings don't even matter, I just wanted to make out. Fuck this, fuck that.

It really hurt for the first few hours because I felt rejected but Brian is gone and now I'm fine. I only regret having felt hurt in the first place. I do not regret the cuddles. I do not regret the neck kisses. Those felt amazing. I want more. Okay.

Moving on.

I'm talking to my cousin Daxton via facebook. He is telling me that he had a hangover after New Year's. I love talking to him. It's not even the conversation, it's that I love him and I miss him.

Apparently, he drank vodka and may have had sex but he can't remember. I wouldn't be that surprised. He has an interesting life. I worry about him a lot.

He's a good guy, though. I remember he said he hoped I would get a nice boyfriend. I think he said I deserved a nice guy. That meant a lot. I always feel so sad that I am so far away from my family and it hurts now that my family has just left.

Daxton was not here (my mom's side came to visit and he is part of my dad's side) but, I don't know, I just remember how we stayed up late by the campfire talking about our lives.

It's better talking to him in person. We always run out of stuff to say online.



I think I died last night.

I've had nightmares but they dissipate as soon as I open my eyes.

That's not what I mean, though.

Sometimes, I feel like parts of me are rotting and then, they just fall away from my body and I am left with only the memory.

I think too much and it's never enough. I am missing something. I am missing what I love. I am not concerned enough about what is happening outside my bubble.

I try. I really try to get involved but when I join the conversation, I feel like Atlas with the weight of the world on my shoulders. It will not lift unless I stop caring so much.

What's worse is I'm not sure that I am right. I only have an opinion and no opinion is 100% correct. There is no great solution and that kills me. I wish I could twist people, force them to be a certain way but that is not only impossible, it's wrong.

I don't know. I don't know anymore. I am confused and small-minded and I can't see the sky, I'm not tall enough.

How do I have memory of the atmosphere if I never even got a glimpse of it?

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