The Real Me
2015-01-02 10:51:01 (UTC)


Jay was boyfriend number 2. Well I'm talking relationships wise anyway. he came after Danny.

I contacted him when I had an argument with Dr M that night...I dont know what made me contact Jay after 5 years of nothing from him but I missed him. I missed the attention he used to give me and the way he cared about me and the way he treated me. Jay would go above and beyond to make me feel ok. He took me to paris on valentines day. He showered me with gifts and dinners and holidays. He wasnt rich but he did it to show me the best of what life could offer and for that I really do appreciate him. he showed me not all men are bad, not all dont care. I was never that physically attracted to him really but for that time period he stayed there as my rock comforting me and babying me the way I needed to be. And I was absolutely crazy with him, i emotionally blackmailed him on a daily basis. i was pretty bad and extremely fucked up. its actually scary to think I was totally ok with threatening him with my life because he would feed into it. I then proceeded to break up with him and cut him out of my life...he obviously didnt take it well and went nuts...we had massive rows it was a dramatic breakup, he dumped all the things i gave him in a bin bag so I cut up all the jewellery and teddy bears and gave that back to him (he had buyers for the jewellery already to sell it) that really pissed him off. Despite the ending it was all in all a decent relationship, he was pretty normal and attentive i was just fucked up. I was his first love and i know I will always be that wether he likes it or not....if i suck him into my emotional vortex he will fall for it...cautious this time maybe, but he cant deny he had the most fun with me.

Anyway...he messaged me back yesterday because curiosity got to him and we have been talking since up till today. Dr M hasnt really bothered to stay in touch with me, I dont feel like I am even in a relationship with him, unfortunately my instincts are telling me to run because he just isnt that into me. Maybe I am the type who needs constant care love and attention in a relationship or maybe he is the disfunctional one who just cant love someone...or in specific fall for me. He treats me like a child and talks to me like one...he just wont take me seriously anymore and all I want is him. While there are a thousand guys out there willing to be there for me. That argument ruined things between us and i dont know why I want it to work so much, or even want him in my life when he barely meets the minimum requirement for a high maintenance person such as me. I need him to give me stability or i will have to walk away.

But Dr M..gave me that spark the minute I saw him, i had butterflies, I guess I need to get over it...but its hard giving up on the things i want. I have never been one to take no for an answer.