The Real Me
Sex with Dr M and mental issues.
It is the new year soon.
It is coming close to his death anniversary.
my birthday is coming up..
Me and Dr M are officially in a relationship now.
we had some great sex last night...it was amazing...and I felt this weird type of closeness to him, I've never felt that before...I wanted him completely I cannot even explain it, with me, inside me, everywhere, in that moment i wanted every single piece of him and to just be with him, to be held by him, to be loved and wanted by him. I hate admitting this kind of cheesy shit but it made me feel vulnerable...human. In that time my barriers were broken, my walls were laid down and I let him in..to me..to who I really am.
And now...well now comes the usual doubt and fear of abandonment that my daddy issues have caused. This is why I allow nobody in...because the minute i open up...it means I am opening up who I am and the core of me is my father...is the pain. i have to face that...and it goes from opening up to a spiral downwards into depression. I cannot ask him to be there, i cannot ask him to just hold me and hug me and tell me everything will be ok because he doesn't have that kind of time. He is a Dr he barely gets any time to himself...the time he tries to take out for me is quite valuable. But regardless even when he is around i just don't want to burden him and i live in fear of rejection, abandanment, insecurity and finally fear that he won't like me anymore if i even dare to because to him I might be being clingy, desperate and childish but I have unfortunately allowed the damn floodgates to open where i feel like I need him to just baby me and tell me its ok, everything is ok, I will be ok, he will look after me and help me and protect me and do everything my godamn parents should have done. Twisted much? The confusion of whether I want him as my partner or my daddy replacement. i thought i was over it...maybe I am...it may just be that i am emotional from actually having meaningful sex and the coming of my fathers death anniversary. I don't know if i dealt with it in a healthy way...i mean by having sex with him but he is my bf now right? so thats fine? I sort of feel used to fucking him....it made me feel secure in something. Man I sound like some twisted psycho bitch...never thought that would be me...ha.
I think i am just falling for him. But everytime i fall deeply for someone...its there...the fucking past...and it all opens up again more than ever. It was there with my ex M and it is now here with my current- Dr M
like hello bitch I'm back.
Ps he is 7 years older than me. I think thats why I want him even more...i crave his stability and security...I crave how normal he is. I crave him. i crave his intelligence, I just want him and I do not want him to leave but i am so scared and cautious at the same time. I will not stop him if he leaves, I will not fight for him, I will let him go.