Phillip Wilson

Amazingly, I survived my Life
2011-09-23 00:00:02 (UTC)

1992 REVIEW (PART TWO)

3 February (Monday), Childersburg, AL (continues)

Monday, February 3, 1992. At around 6:56 A.M., here in Childersburg, Al., it is cold (upper-20-degrees F.), but clear.
Did I ever tell you about the time I pissed Al Fresco in downtown Jacksonville, Fl.? It was when I was down there the final November night of 1991.
As you recall, I gave 4-5 hours to Jacksonville Landing, during a stopover, heading towards South Florida.
It was as I was walking the sidewalk that bordered the St. John's River towards the end of my residency. My bladder was really getting smart with me! I was a good distance from the Landing; so, I sat on a bench, whipped out the Outlet, and void between my thighs. The approach of Homo Sapiens interrupted the flow before the natural turn-off point; but I was able to hold it back until I got to the bus station.
I could have sworn I told you this story!

(acerca 4:13 P.M.) Winter is still under impeachment; Spring has the rein of power until the proceedings come to some kind of conclusion.
The Acting Ruler was so benlovent today! So generous with the suneshine! Warm - near 70-degrees (F)!
A Bounty was put on Clouds; as a result, that Band of Outlaws went into hiding.
I got in around a 45-50 minute practice session.
A gorgeous day! And I remain, on the surface at least, free of tension. Although the strain of control will most likely break me. So you can see how critical it is for me to land an assignment.
Soon!
Philip Roth came to the end of his journey this morning; at least his "Portnoy's Complaint" 'leg.' Will I meet up with this modern novelist further up the road?
Roth's speaking and his topics were tolerated; but I really don't care for his company. I'm not interested in a story of a man's sex perversions - my life is too involved in kinkiness as it is! Maybe I will come across a talker whose subject matter will sooth this rough spot in my life!

(acerca 9:59 P.M.) Damn, I have tried so hard to be loyal to Carson and Barnes Circus! And what did I get for my dedication and service - to be passed over as Producing Clown! The fact that an amateur was chosen to represent what I though of as my Alley was hurtful! Much of the emotional mis-alignment of 1991 was the inability to come to gripe with the sligh, the injustice. I tried, but the stab in the back was so painful, it was overwhelming!
Pepe Caldron's constant puerility - he actually thought he was being cute! - surrounding his teasing and joking about the touchy situation, when, if he had been the friend he claimed to had been, he should have tried to alliviate the pain, only served to 'confuse' me more!
The season just fell apart! Was it a sign that I should bow out of Mime - or a push by the fed-up Muse to get me away from Carson and Barnes once and for all?
My relation to a road trip in 1992 will give me the answer.

4-6 February (Tuesday-Thursday), Childersburg, AL.

(4th, About 7:24 A.M.) Cold, clear morning - hold on Spring! Please hold on just a little longer! I know you are trespassing on Winter's territory, and He was here first, but who cares? You are better to us!
Am I trying to absorb too much? As stuffing food down one's throat results in surfeit and is pernicious to the body, isn't an obsessive quest for knowledge liable to compromise the balance of the Emotional Scale, which is touchy in my case to begin with?
With a speech impediment which forces me to kidnap every Knowledge I am able, to prove I am not an imbecile or moron, and I going overboard in the campaign?
Knowledge for the sake of knowledge - or specialize learning that is relevant to a specific area, on's chosen vocation?

(acerca 9:58 P.M.) An overcast afternoon, but Winter relented and let me do a load of washing.
This has been a very fruitful Between-Projects - I have finally caught up with myself and have prepared myself spiritually to reveal to the world what was locked away within Me.
Be it Performance or Other !
At 42, I am at the peak of my creative powers. Clowning would benefit so much; apparently that field is closing its door on me. Never fear, however - Clowning's loss is another undertaking's gain!
Kismet will have its way!

(5th, About 7:32 A.M.) You know what Linda Lingo told me? That it was Bill Bigerstaff (whatever that photographer in named!) who selected that photo of Jennifer sitting on the right front kneeling elephant's leg which appeared on the 1991 Carson and Barnes Circus Routebook! and that Javier, an office worker, was incensed and disgusted by the coverage!
Wrong! In both cases!
How can I say such a thing? Well, as I was scanning the piles of pictures, in the office, that photographers shot of the season - some included in the Route book, most not - I ejected, "What a travesty!" whenever I came upon a representation of Jennifer. I noticed that Linda and Jim Judkins, the Office Manager, exchanged looks, which, at the time, I didn't associate with the tacit agreement between those two to try and assuage my feeling of betrayal.
In fact, it was only yesterday that this Cover-up came to me! Realization is usually slow, but when it does hit me, it is usually based on a solid foundation.
Jim Judkins, who owns a part of the show, is allowed to use the 'Boss Clown' for unrelated-to-Clowning chores - ferrying people to the clinic or hospital, band-aiding the afflicted, handling the Press, etc.
Judkins is the one who tips Jennifer for this outside duty! Not that Barbara and/or Geary don't back him up! Most likely they do, probably because they have to!
And those three know that, as long as I am with the show, the Alley WILL be attended to! Jennifer can't and won't keep it running!
Everything points toward breaking from that show! Except, of course, the 'pull' of Betty Ramirez. But as I stated numerous times before, a Chimera must not lead me into the Valley of the Shadow of Death. For that Chimera is a currier of Satan!
Overcast, but warm this moring. Spring seems to be on guard for the rumored coup.

(acerca 10:15 A.M.) For the past week or so I have been attacking the Scambled Word puzzle which appears on the Comic pate of the "Daily Home" newspaper. I stay with each quiz until I solve it. Sometimes the puzzle is simple, other occassions up to an hour is devoted to the Mystery.
What I want to know is - does this assault strengthen and organize my Mental Output? Or am I fooling myself with puerile liaisons? For years I couldn't handle jumbled up letters - for the life of me I never was able to 'break' the code.
Does beating the scrambler improve one's discipline? Is some division of the Thinking Process enhanced by figuring out mis-aligned letters?
If nothing else, that I am no longer intimidated by those kinds of Bullies is an indication of how far I have come!

This 'thing' I have for Betty is am example of my current desire for A Long Leap Ahead! The combination of a new, improved Mime Persona, and a traveling companion such as Betty Ramirez would smooth out the roughness of the road ahead.
A journey with something like Flip would take me off the correct route, get me lost, and subject me to quicksand, swamps, anthills, etc.

Rain is being called-up to surround Spring, in order to put down the insurrection of Winter. Will it succeed?
Hope so!

(acerca 4:24 P.M.) Remember - I TOLD you it was too good to be true! I had no business falling head over heels for a woman, the final two weeks of the season, when it was apparent my tenure with Carson and Barnes was at an end!
Isn't that the way it usually happens? Always out there to tempt me, but never to be accomplished!
Of, well - I better start getting over it! As with everything else, I must try and bounce back! And if I can't this time - forty-two years! I have had some good times, accomplished much with Mime. If more is available to me, I sure in the hell can't find a way to it!
I really was hoping to make the year 2000!
Cold's troops are about to break through the encircling band of Agents. A mis-calculation, i.e. the battle of Little Big Horn, is being used to Cold's advantage.
Cold Climate, Cold Future. Surely you didn't expert anything else?!

(6th) First priority - living quarters. Away from Childersburg. If that means a return to college at UAB, than be it so! I will aim for a full-time job in Birmingham while finishing up studies for a Bachelor's degree.
Second priority touched on above - employment. If not Mime, than any field that will see me through undergraduate school.
What comes next is depending - I need a car. And I would like to marry. Most likely I can take care of the former with a venture into the latter.
One puts up with a lot in order to develop a specialty. I have sacrificed, been pushed in shit, tolerated unbearable and uncalledfor situations.
Finally I feel comfortable with the way Mime has molded and poured out of me. To continue a subjection to the ignorance, the sub-human lifestyle of Carson and Barnes Circus is self-defeating and anti-climatic. The trials and tribulations of the 1991 season pointed out that my spiritual progression would be arrested if I dared that enviroment again.
Unlike Buckles and so many ex-Circus, I never really liked the Circus! Or Show Business! Mime was always my focus. And if I use the energy and concentration Mime extracted, the Muse will still receive Her Adoration and Loving.
It is not a departure from Mime, but a modification of my output. A different angle in approaching the Muse.
A cool, overcast sixth of Febrary 1992. Thursday in Childersburg, Al.
Momma is becoming more than I can take; and it isn't age. She has always been manipulative. Her chronic Inferiority Complex is compensated by trying to control people in doing Life her way. Damn individual aspirations or learning!
I was a victum of her machinations - which is why I must drop everything else and re-locate!
Her new target - David. I can fight off the punches somewhat, but the blows are wearing me down.
Last night she hung the telephone up on me! Along with Joyce, she attended a banquet or something at the First Baptist Church, leaving Joyce's house around 5:00 P.M. yesterday.
David didn't participate in the night-out, so I stayed with him.
I didn't have to - the kid is 15 years old!
I left David a little after 8:00 P.M. - Joyce and Momma hadn't returned yet. They did in a minute or two after I departed David.
Soon Momma called, asked me why left David unattended, stated I couldn't do anything, and slammed her telephone receiver down.
What an insult!
I no longer care what happens to the woman! If she dies, Big Deal!

(about 7:57 P.M.) "Hope is the last to die.."
Maybe it wouldn't be as easy as I think it will be, to transfer my alligence from Performance to 'regular' job! Even though I formulate all these grandiose plans each morning and afternoon, come evening my attachment to Mime is stronger than ever!
Why can't I let go? Isn't it obvious it's all over? It's one thing to be confident, but one must also be pragmatic!
Please excuse the one final appeal - I will be telephoning Big Apple Circus every day (the two contacts this afternoon went unanswered - no one is in the office) until I get the go-ahead or the "Sorry, all the Clowns are set."
Can I have until March? That month will push me to seek out a down-to-earth work. If I am going to hear from any show, February should be the messenger.
So far, Spring has been able to prevent Winter from re-enterring the region! How nice and warm it was this afternoon! The Sun even made brief Pep Talks!
I practiced around 50 minutes.

7 February (Friday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 4:57 P.M.) Still no one up at the Big Apple office.
Which means I can hold out for that show - although not for long! I've got to get on with life! It was bad enough last season - why subject myself to similar spirit-destroying conditions in what is suppose to be - which it never was! But as I stated earlier, one does a lot in order to build an Empire! - a slable, relaxing enviroment?!
Allen Bros. Circus has yet to hire clowns. If it weren't for Big Apple and Allen Bros., requiring me to work out of a base until I know the results of my work applications, I would leave tomorrow.
Apparently Mime plans to slap me around until the final moment. The final lick is Hers!
And then there's my Income Tax Refund. After I deposit that check - such as it is! - in the Birmingham bank account, I will then close out the checking account, and use the weak cash cache to start anew.
Each day is a struggle getting through - especially since I have to have contact with Momma when I eat over at Joyce's!
Either my situation has to break, - or I will! If this is the best Life can do, who needs it?
Demonstrating Her strength and loyalty, Spring, once again, turned on a brilliant afternoon. With Sun as Her Beau, it reached the lower-60-degrees (F.)!
Clouds hurried, and petitioned Winter - will it be enough to establish that raw, dreary, cold, miserable Decorations?
Around an hour of 3-club and 4-ball practice this afternoon; no use blaming Juggling for my circumstances! In fact I am going to invite them with me as I venture into my new path.

(acerca 7:30 P.M.) Never will it be the same! Europe did it! I expect to much from life!
Previous to the European Adventure, I didn't feel secure enough to go after the Big Time. But the Continent endowed me with confidence! So I plough ahead and go after the Major Move.
Now I understand why I was kept in innocence - the only way I can ever hook-up wit the Big Fish is with contacts and/or an imput of money.
Europe instilled Self-esteem in me, but not the means of Attachment.
Ambition without the opportunity - what a cruel joke to pull on someone!
Didn't I tell you that journey would cover more than three weeks an five countries? I doubt if I can ever get home again!

8 February (Saturday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 6:44 A.M.) The reason it is cold in the mornings of late, that was the compromise worked out by the Conference Committee - Winter would be allowed to set up a booth early in the day, so long as Spring is not locked out during the afternoon.
Spring will (and has) most likely toss the day back to Winter come evening.
But the fact that Spring has been awarded dominance of that crucial afternoon is proof of the kindness of the Committee!
It seems to be clear and cloudless at the moment.

(acerca 7:00 P.M.) It was a coalition this afternoon! Sure, it was clear, bright, and Blue-skied; but Winter backed onto the arena, farted, and had Cold scrurrying all over the place!
I suppose 50-degrees (F) was the high. At present the Wounded Air can only manage around 40-degrees (F.).
A slow day; what the hell! I need to take it easy, anyway!
As Pascal, the French philosopher stated, "Only if one can be happy in an empty room is one content!"

9-10 February (Sunday-Monday), Childersburg, AL

(9th) It's gotten so bad, my attention span has received an injury! And, what's unusual for me, I've seem to have lost the inspiration for engaging literary works - I have been reduced to hours of afternoon in bed daydreaming, and watching T.V.!
Spring fever?
Anxiety related to the uncertainty of my future tenure with Big Apple Circus?
Loyalty to Mr. and Mrs. Miller, but disgust and fear of the backyard and the amateurism of Carson and Barnes Circus?
A resolution to avoid and outsmart Jim Jilkins for what he is doing to the show, but the inability to exocise the absurd idea that Betty Ramirez might be interested or made interested, in me romanticly?
A cold (sub-freezing) clear Sunday. This nineth of February of the year 1992, from my perspective at least, comes from the stage at Childersburg, Al.
It's never an easy time during the Winter, with the decision facing me whether I must return to Carson and Barnes Circus. Up until this year, such an internecine battle wasn't waged within in - the show ran relatively smoothly and I was at home on it.
I'm not about to relate again the Mime Field I had to maneuver in 1991 - I have devoted much ink as a crybaby already!
Why did they have to send an angel the final two weeks of the season? To 'bandage' my wounds - or to tell me the going won't be that dangerous any more?
I can't think of what you call them, but, in mythology and legend, images of women lure sailors and divers onward until the sea-challengers are lost, and perish.
Is Betty my what-you-may-call-it? For if I dare to go Carson and Barnes in 1992 my Spirit would most likely give up on me. And we all know that once one loses his/hers Spirit, one is slowly, with care and calculation, being reeled in by the Devil who is sure of your future alligence.
This is a chance, however so slight, that my Sub-conscious made a deal with Fate - if I go back to Carson and Barnes, an angel would guide me through the breakers and sandtraps.
So you see my predictament! And I thought all the major tangles and perfidies of life were behind me! Little did I realize that this is when Life gets serious!

(acerca 10:09 A.M.) It was on the beach in Charleston, S.C. (Isle of Palms), in May of 1982 that I ejaculated for the first time! Finally I had reached pubescence!
This oppressive infaturation with Betty Ramirez, the first woman that ever put me in this confused, painful state, is m adolescent period.
So I suppose if I survive this melancholy - as all young boys and girls do. Surely I don't think of myself the first and last victum of this affliction, as if I am being picked on?! Every age has youngsters dealing with lovesickness, no race exemped! - I will, at long last! be initiated into Adulthood?
Betty Ramirez is a sort of Rite of Passage, huh?
With no Clouds in the way, the rays, every last single one! are pounding the area. Unfortunately the Representatives from Winter are keeping Spring from full attention to Policy.
A seasonably Cold day.

(acerca 10:25 P.M.) Eleven or 12 years ago Stephen King penned a novel, "The Stand."
A couple of years ago it was republished. Around 400 pages were put back in to the resurected edition, which the earlier version kept out due to fiscal consideration.
Now, "The Stand," in the paperback issue, has over 1140 pages. The copy I have, passed on to me by Pepe Coldron, is topless. This is the reason I selected this Unit for the Honors.
For I euthanize books that are past their prime, and show signs of damage - after I investigate their contribution to society, of course!
I really should call what I do to the Wounded Word is protracted disecton - as I read a section, I tear it away and dispose of properly.
This novel will be with me for quite some time - I just wonder where me will end up together?
It still amazes me how the proposed Louisville trip was handled by Fate - if I didn't know better, I would swear that female Greyhound ticket agent in Birmingham was 'ordered' not to have available an Advance Attractive Offer, 'convincing' me to wait before purchase! 'Cause I may not even be going up there!
Damn! it pisses me off when Fate pulls off another Sneak Attack! How will I ever be able to capture and control the Force if It won't keep still?

(10th, About 7:50 A.M.) An early start by sun; and, with the Help of Clear, that Orb will attempt to gather its Forces against the Visiting Team of Cold Warriors.
And I gather my Forces to meet the inevitable Onslaught of Kismet.

(acerca 10:11 P.M.) Now, I am not Circus - to me, it is a form of theatre.
I enjoy (or did enjoy?) the venue. The Circus is a worthwhile contribution to the 'culture' of a society.
So it is somewhat of a paradox that, as was the policy during the heyday of Traveling Shows, I subscribe to the custom of keeping Working Men separate from performers. The former, through jealousy, envy, and ignorance, are the cause of trouble if they are allowed to mingle with the Artistes.
And this is what led to my demise on Carson and Barnes Circus!
You see, in 1990, the bus which housed Big Toppers, was assigned a space in the Backyard. Of course, necessity forced such a move - the bus was needed to pull one of the Wells Cargo trailers.
A co-incidence? But that intrusion by this class of people into the domain of the performers paralleled the beginning of the end for me.
Forgive me for my snobery, but surely I can hook-up with an outfit which adheres to the tradional Circus Segregation!
A brilliant afternoon - bright, clear, cloudless. The upward mobility of the morning was stopped at around 60-degrees (F.).
I pushed myself yesterday, so Sleep lectured me for an hour or so after lunch. I must nurse my carnal and spiritual Machine against the time I am summoned for a mission. Besides, there is life out there other than Circus awaiting me if the Business dismisses me!

11 February (Tuesday), Childersburg, AL

(Acerca 7:30 A.M.) -acerca 7:30 A.M. on this Tuesday; bright, clear, and cold in Childersburg, Al. February 11, 1992,
Vanessa Kiss, the 19-year old beauty who has always hit me with a secret smile, took over the starring role in the Fantasy playing at the Picture Show. Maybe it's the nearness of Valentine's Day, but what I wouldn't give for an embrace from that angel!
A liaison with Vanessa is even more absurd that the dream-romance with Betty Ramirez! Vanessa is more than 22 years my junior - her parents, Josef and Christiana, are my age!
Maybe it's the worry over employment! But, what the hell! I'm going to pursue the young lady I could easily love!

(acerca 2:14 P.M.) Well, I did it! So it was an infantile act of desperation! Who cares?
I purchased two blank Valentine's Day cards from Big B Drugs this morning ($1.15 each); and one is on its way to Vanessa Kiss (I assume she is out at the Kelly-Miller Winter Quarters in Hugo, OK) - I printed, in English, "Love and Miss You!" However, I didn't sign my name.
The card to Betty Ramirez (Carson and Barnes Winter Quarters in Hugo?) went unsigned, but with "He sido pensamiento te!", which, I hope, is Spanish for "Been Thinking of you!,scripted on the blank inside.
If either love objects will figure out who the secret admirer is, I don't know. But I just had to try it - the U.S. Post may well me the exeorcise to free me of the absurdity.
Both women I am crazy about, but ' do you realize how ridiculous it is to keep reviewing the same two films over and over in the Projection Booth?
I can see that I have STILL a lot of growing up to do!
Couldn't quite make 60-degrees (F.) this afternoon; it was, however, outstanding enough to push practice for about as hour.
Light manipulations of the Brush interrupted the Blue at places creating a Soothing, Soul-stirring Panarama above our heads.

12 February (Wednesday), Childersburg, AL

(Around 7:45 A.M.) I still can't believe that I have sacrificed and underwent harsh training, all to no avail! Far from being able to work on any show, I can't seem to get with any but Carson and Barnes!
So why continue? Call me sissy, spoiled, or whatever, I just can't accept the fact that I have to subject myself to degradation and spiritual death just to remain on good terms with Mime! Damn! if Her Body is that nice!
February 12, 1992, a Wednesday in Childersburg, Al. Winter is handing off to Spring at this hour (around 7:45 A.M.) - clear, coldish - but a new policy may start later on in the day.
I give up! I have Serenaded Mime. I have given Her Flowers, Jewelry, Candy. I have been as Nice and Loving as I can be.
And the Slut rejects me as a nuisance! Of all the ungrateful, ill-bred Bitches . . .!

(acerca 8:58 P.M.) Once again the Palace Guards were able to repel the attempted Coup; the beautiful warm, bright days continue - although Sky was taken over by the Rebels for a brief period.
It was a nap afternoon, not one for practice. The idea is to shapen myself for the inevitable intrusion into the Outer World. Why weigh my spirit down too much with unnecessary Baggage? I sure in the hell! won't be juggling in my new Vehicle!

(acerca 9:28 P.M.) By the way, I wouldn't put much faith in that Kismet Intervention of that Louisville trip! As you may recall - or maybe I didn't let you in on the secret - I really didn't won't to go up there and have to put up with Buckle's damn-near non-stop Homily of his supposively cynosure in the Circus. Nor did I fancy a possible repeat of the connubial disturbance of past visits.
I was looking for an excuse to submit to Fate for not going North. If I really wanted the odyssey financial limitations wouldn't have held me back.
But why undergo non-meaning ventures? How could Louisville, Ky., change the Career Crisis I am presently facing? Why embark on any endeavor which doesn't direct itself directly to my current predictament?
Sometimes I can be full of shit! Of course, I'm sure you realize that if you have been a faithful follower of these journals!

13-15 February Thursday-Saturday), Childersburg, AL

(13th) Coolish this morning - a legacy of the Casual Rain assault around midnight.
Childersburg, Al., the thirteenth of February 1992, a Thursday.
I feel confident Big Apple Circus will take me - but should a protect my rear flank? Should I contact D.R. Miller that I am willing to do a 1992 Carson and Barnes tour, if my salary is upped?
I need to stick by my decision to keep away from Carson and Barnes Circus; but, as we all are, the economy has me running scared.
It's awfully hard to wage war against an all-pervasive, Ubiquitous Conqueror!

(14th, About 6:40 A.M.) In order to catch up with us, as we proceed non-stop to Spring, a Net has been dropped over us. Coolness is approaching to free us, and Dampness watches us from another direction.
Yesterday afternoon, Spring ignored the Threatening Cloud Gang, and proclaimed a 60-degrees (F) period. I practiced around 30 minutes.
I trucked two broken-down Washing Machine and a dead stove from the basement to the street. Later, last evening, I engaged Work-out in combat after a shower.
Is it any wonder my Department is in an uproar this morning?

(acerca 10:12 P.M.) Pesky, cold, miserable, naughty, ugly, messy Rain filibustered today, and continues to do so. I suppose It just wanted to be heard for a change - It was overlooked for the last week or so.
There is one major situation that is spoiling my Self Supremecy - my obsession with the naked female body. Nudity should be an aesthetic, liberated state, not a lustful perversion! And until I reach that level, I will be relegated to immaturity and self-loathing. Happiness will avoid my company.
Before I marry, I must progress to the arena where ejaculation becomes an act, not just a Mastubutory maneuver. That is, more than the seeing of a naked lady, or the view of my own deshability should not stimulate the leakage of sexual creme, the esoteric beauty and love of a woman must have a monopoly on that duty.
Experience - that will sit things straight. In order to advance to the next level, I must embark upon a campaign of copulation, ether one-night stands, short-term, or connubial.
I am picking a bad time for this new treatment, what with the AIDS Dragon on the loose. Of course, I will be developing will power and self-control in staying one step ahead of the HIV Bomb.

(15th, Around 7:38 A.M.) The fifteenth of February in the year of some people's Lord Nineteen Ninety-two.
As I permit an ink flow in Childersburg, Al., on this Saturday (it is around 7:38 A.M. at the moment) it is wet.
But at least the rain is discouraging Cold from plaguing us.
A warm, overcast, dreary beginning for this Committee.

(acerca 7:55 P.M.) What a Dream Day served up today! This afternoon Air sprang into the lower-70-degrees (F.), the bright sun hard on its heels!
I indulged in around an hour practice session.
You never know! And I must follow up any and every lead, no matter how unlikely it is to suck me in. I wrote a note to DREADNOUGH Productions, which have set-up offices at 86 County Road 32 in Fairhope, Al.
Don't laugh - I just may be able to weasel my way into film work as an extra in DREADNOUGHT, which will be 'shot' in the Mobile area soon!
I sure hope I find out soon if I have as assignment for 1992! I need to know what style Wardrobe I need, and gather it all together!
Before I forget it - the load of washing I did yesterday morning at a laudromat in downtown Childersburg (across from Family Dollar) is, I hope, the start of my Coming Out. I must become independent before I marry!

16 February (Sunday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 7:09 A.M.) Clear and Cold, I expect it to advance to Clear and Warm as the World develop the guts to face Sun more directly.
I have about decided on the color scheme my Persona would wear if it is allowed access to a 1992 road trip. The wardrobe would be the best ever - that's all I'm going say, a_ Kismet weights both sides of the issue. I don't want to appear as if I am bribing the Judge!

(acerca 10:05 P.M.) You realize, I trust, that my relationship to Mime is not as it use to be. I still want to continue the liaison - more than ever! Mime is such a warm, loving, passionate Mate! - but, I don't know, it is as if I have become a more responsible husband. More protective of my Woman,, if you will! Carson and Barnes Circus was too insulting to Her, and came close to violating this Creature I love more than anything else in the world.
And I won't allow anyone or anything to hurt Her!
So I will seek a refuge elsewhere. If that entails living under non-circus idenities, than the sacrifice will be made.
I be damned! if I stand around like a chicken shit Wimp while the Yahoos of the world have their way with Her!
The afternoon was sunny and warm - in the 70-degrees (F) I gave around an hour to the connubial fulfillment of juggling practice.
Some one had scraped away the Blue in the sky, and left behind White splotches.

17 February (Monday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 7:35 A.M.) She worked very hard; She perspired perfusely. And She insisted upon a bath.
A Rain Shower clears the Air for this second half of February. I must arrive at a decision - for if Big Apple rejects my pleads for salvation, I have no choice but to turn to the secular world.
This is not meant to be a threat - only a move out of desperation and survival.

(acerca 4:43 P.M.) It's not as if it's a calling, for heaven's sake! The position of Clown with a circus - what is it bad a job! I was able to fulfil the slot.
But that work is over, something to put on a resume. Now I have to seek another job. With the stagflation one will be hard to get - but not impossible. Someplace out there, employment is available; it's only a question of stumbling upon it.
The faucet was turned off around 9:30 A.M., this morning. Water continued to drip from Spring's body, though, throughout the late morning and early afternoon.
Having shed the water, and unable, due to being naked, to steer the day in the Direction She wants, Winter, laughing and estatic with joy, climbed behind the Wheel, and is taking it to His Domain.
I did a load of white and towels at the laundromat this morning.

18 February (Tuesday), Childersburg, AL

You realize, of course, that the odds of ever hooking up with a lady as beautiful and as classy as Betty Ramirez are greater than they are that I will get a position on Big Apple Circus! Hell! the latter is a simple fact as opposed to the former!
That's why I should stick with Mime - even though that Lady is demanding, domineering, cruel, I at least know how I stand (or stood) with Her.
Then again, if I am no longer in Mime's favor, in Her Bed, I will most likely gravitate to Mortal Woman to fill the void.
The eighteenth of February 1992, a Tuesday.
By not having Mime to cling to and hid behind, I should be able to conquer my fear, intimadation, and shyness of woman. I just hope it doesn't take too long - I want to marry, and I ain't getting any longer!
Childersburg, Al. - cool, overcast, dreary. Rain had its way with us early, early this morning, but we are being left in piece at the moment.

(acerca 9:24 P.M.) I don't understand - why was (and am) I so sanquine, so energetic today? Can't my spirit understand that my mime outpouring is all over? Why won't it accept that fact?
A walk to the post office, around a 55-minute practice session, weight-lifting (a 25-pound cement-in-plastic circular disc, each arm taking it above my head twenty times, lifting a thick dictionary with my legs, knees locked, for a count fifty).
Something refuses to die! Either that, or I am being prepared for a different kind of mission.
Whatever it is, I wish this peppy outlook would stay around awhile!
Sun showed up late this afternoon, burning off the Creepy Climate that was campaigning. An ever so fine mist powdered the area much of the day.
You know, I have all but forsaken nocturnal sky-watching. And I should be ashamed of myself - after all, forming a friendship with that neighborhood, as Comet Halley suggested in 1985 and 1986, was one of the things that led to an Invitation into the Enlightenment Elite. I still fill close to the Heavens - there's a gorgeous Full Moon tonight! - but I'm not a celestial voyeur any longer.
Maybe my relationship with the Players have reached a level where I am a part of the Drama, instead of just a spectator!
John Hemingway (the son of the novelist) had h (what do you MEAN, what novelist?! Why Ernest Hemingway, you ninny! "The Old Man and the Sea," "For Whom the Bell Tolls," etc. Get with it!) is Travels series on Public Television This week's dose was about touring Europe.
Thanks for the memories! Although my Europe was not like an organized Trapse as the program spoke of, I did feel pride for having the guts and drive to take in a venture few ever get to do!
As was pointed out, travel doesn't advance one per se - the 'ground' must be fertile in order to germinate the seed.
In retrospect, I plowed the field in a good season; I am reaping a great harvest, and will most likely do so for a long time to come.

19 February (Wednesday), Childersburg, AL

(Around 7:16 A.M.) Not taking any chances, Sun is on duty early this morning.
It is around 7:16 A.M., and a Wednesday. In addition, the 19th of February 1992 is babysitting us today, and the Childersburg, Al., sand box is our territory.
Cool, clear, Cloudless.

(acerca 5:00 P.M.) A major disruptor of my Spiritual Smoothness during the 1991 season was that I was running myself - hard! And the Company Gas Station failed to provide enough fuel; and what it did was way too low in octane power.
For although I have increased my weight 7 or 8 pounds since closing, training is more under control, due to more Power Cells combining forces.
With the extremely low pay Carson and Barnes insults one with, subsidizing the daily fuel allowance would have meant no savings from the tour.
People my argue, and sneer, but my contribution was very streneous! That Horse Race involved a good bit of muscular usage.
Dentist also demanded a concentrated put-out.
And don't forget the Music Man!
I just didn't get enough sleep for the Energy Expenditure the show drew out of me.
Yeh, I know! Age has a hand in the coporeal output vs. sonnelent necessity - when one is born, one is placed in the middle of a rubber band (ends held firmly). As one advances in Life, it becomes a matter of stretching the band; and as we all know, the further the rubber is taken out, the slower one's forward motion becomes, and the toughest it is to resist the Snapping Back Tendency! But my nerves revolted because I didn't allow them to take a breather from the long hours!
Which is why, in my training, I must come up with an agreement with my Nerves and Muscles as to how much Rest Time I should give them.

(acerca 9:20 P.M.) There you have it folks - damn near the Villains to the Dysfunctional Tour of Duty! Now maybe you will agree with me when I speak out my career's need for Big Apple Circus! Not a perfect venue - no such thing exit! - but the circumstances (pay, semi-permanence, etc) would allow me opportunity to deal with Mime scientifically and respectfully!
There always a serpent egging one on to that Bite, however! And I WOULD have to be pestered by a Satan Sargeant!
Betty Ruth Ramirez. For the life of me I can't figure out how to exorcise that tempess! Time and distance don't seen to push Her away from me.
No! I will NOT stick with Carson and Barnes Circus just for the longshot of joining with Betty! Granted, She is worth it - but I'm not that much of a gambler! Wager a year of Hell on an ify, doubtful liaison? You must think I am raving mad!
I'll take my chances with a continual stance against the Capriousness of The Bitch! At least with Old Slut Tace I know I will be slapped around and bullied!
But, hells bells! the tug-of-war for my soul is about to rip me apart! If the squabble isn't settled soon, there won't be enough of me left for either party!
The early hoisting of Mithras scared off Rain and Company. What a gorgeous sunny, clear day it was! Let's hope Winter will stay ill, die, and make Spring the official leader before the beginning of the Regular Reign!

20-24 February (Thursday-Monday), Childersburg/Birmingham, AL

(20th, Around 6:54 A.M.) February continues to dole out the Beatific Daze! Now on its twentieth start, this second month of 1992 can just coast along to a beautiful afternoon.
For, at around 6:54 A.M., Sun returned to its Filibuster. The Air is trying for Cloture, but it can't get the support. So this early-morning Coolness will most likely be escorted from the Hall by the afternoon session.
Thursday is upon us. Childersburg, Al., is our Representative.

(acerca 9:55 P.M.) Ah! the afternoon was bright and clear!
Which is more than I can say for my emotional state! The 1991 Rape continues to haunt me!
I have this childish sence of loyalty to Carson and Barnes Circus - but, as with individual people, I was stabbed in the back by the Home! And I wonder, why did the show do that? A knife wound is all I have for my dedication and service to Carson and Barnes?
I find it appalling that such interrelations take place!
The 30-minute or so session with the Sticks this afternoon wasn't so great - it was as if the Plunger and handles knew the review would be 'loose' and cursory, and so they slouched in their Drill!
Will I ever be able to outrun the Nightmare of 1991? I'm sure it will take a lot of doing - for any action there is an equal but opposite reaction.
So you can see the damage will be long in healing over!
Temperature high-the upper-50-degrees (F.).

(21st, About 6:14 A.M.) Rather cold at present - the Mid-30-degrees (F.) is on the Podium.
I'm certain the Speakers will become more interesting and stimulating - but will this early-morning Reconteur escape to my brain and seek revenge for the low level of interest we showed in him?
It seems like there's been a lot of Spiteful Speakers as of late!

(acerca 7:48 P.M.) The Sun modelled its Spring Wardrobe this afternoon. What a bright yellow the costume is!
It was in the mid-70-degrees (F.), allowing around a 50-minute practice session.
Maybe soon I will make contact with Big Apple Circus! For the past two weeks I have dialed the telephone number, twice __ day, of the New York City-based One-ringer.

(22nd, About 6:20 A.M.) The DANCE IN AMERICA presentation on Public Television last night, a juggler/dancer named Michael Mosehen (?), further wetted my appetite for the Big Apple Circus. It is definite that my Career can only be salvaged through a connection with this show.
So that is what I am waiting around for.
Meanwhile - it is cool and overcast this morning.

(acerca 6:58 P.M.) Me and Leslie - we's trip to Birmingham today. The girl had some books to return to the library, and I was in need of a new record book for Journal. Office Warehouse, Westwood Center on Lake Shore Drive had 'em, and, for $11.01, I got one.
The sky just couldn't get rid of the Fluff - Warm squeezed through, however.
I decided it's best not to become too involved in the Conspiracies of Kismet. All I can do anyway is prepare myself to take on whatever task in dumped on my shoulders.
Mime or whatever.

(23rd, Around 6:30 A.M.) If there was a purpose, a need, any longer for regularly-scheduled barre/work-outs, this morning would be ideal - the air is warm, even at around 6:30 A.M. The streets and ground have been left wet from a Rain Display, and Clouds are gathered gaulking at the exhibit, but I nominate Days Like This as my Neighborhood Counselors.
February 23, 1992; I seem t_ __ at ease having definitely decided to pass up Carson and Barnes Circus for this year.
As if a heavy weight has been taken from my shoulders! Maybe it is age - I don't care! - but fighting the possibility only allows Time to ravage me more.
What I must do is tag along with Growing Old to Its House, and offer my services.
A Sunday in Childersburg, Al. In spite of the terribly fierce Storm I will have to walk through, I have been feeling Calm the last 2-3 days. It is as if Carson and Barnes made me nervous - the load was making me top-heavy, and I knew that if I fell down anymore on the journey, especially with the Tempest up ahead, there was a good chance that I wouldn't be able to get back on my __. If I don't make the other side, at least I will be undertaking the Storm with a hundred per cent of my power, and not dragged down with a burden I should have thrown away a while back!

(acerca 9:52 A.M.) Smoking five or six cigarrettes takes up, accumulitively, about - what - 40 minutes?
Explain, then, why the day seems so protracted, time marching at a more leisurely pace, when those cigarettes are left out of a day's activities? It's uncanny!
I suppose it's the same equation of an hour of sleep in the afternoon makes the night work three or four hours more than usual lulling Sleep, convincing it that it still had a house in Nocturne, no matter how much it tells Afternoon Nap. Hey! why not work together? Why the competition? Both are after the same goal - preparing one Phillip Wilson for Special Assignment.
What's the game? Overcast and Sun are opponents in Hop Scotch, House Shoes, or something! For Mithras has a turn, than Cloudy, than Mithras, etc. It appears to be a friendly game - God! I hope it says that way!

(acerca 2:28 P.M.) Sun won! Overcast got angry - but Mithras was the victor!
Temperature reached 75-degrees (F) this afternoon. I had two practice sessions - one this morning, one after lunch. I am ready and sanquine that a major Life Change is being planned for me. Maybe it's hope, I don't know, but . . .

(Purchased around 1:41 P.M., Saturday, February 22, 1992 from Office Warehouse, Store #18, located in the Wildwood Center, Lake Shore Drive in Birmingham, Al. for $11.04.)

(24th, About 6:43 A.M.) . . . one of several things will most likely come to pass - 1. I will connect with the Big Time; 2. Marriage will stake a claim on me; 3. Death will finally win out.
Which is the best of the three? THAT, I can't decide! But I am equally noncommittal about each!
February 24, 1992. the final Monday of this second month. At this early hour (about 6:43 A.M.) it is warm. Clouds are asleep, and, when they awake, may move on out.
Childersburg, Al.
At long last! a powerful incentive to give up cigarrettes completely may have revealed itself to me! The campaign of encouraging this Lifestyle Transformation.
Almost 80 hours smoke-free, I just don't feel like having cigarettes tag along as I 'prepare to meet my maker."
Yesterday afternoon I biked down to Family Dollar and purchased toothpaste and a toothbrush. At least, what I chosed to be a toothbrush.
Which turned out to be nothing but a skillfully-wrapped empty box!
Therefore Family Dollar will never see me again! Of course I should have discovered the trickery long before I did (around an hour later, in the bathroom). No rattle noise, a flattened box while returning here.
That's a dollar that's laughing at my stupidity!

(acerca 3:36 P.M.) Michael Christiansen, come Thursday will decide my future.
When I dialed the Big Apple Circus number early this afternoon, a recording told me the 212-874-3634 had been temporarily changed to 212-268-2500.
My first call of the week met with a busy signal.
The female I explained my situation to suggested I contact Mr. Christiansen Thursday.
So I have three days to suffer!
Sun is speaking; and the Homily is so popular Clouds manuvered their way up front, leaving us wee ones without a view of Mithras. But we we able to catch the speech in ellipsis!
An hour's practice this afternoon.

25-26 February (Tuesday-Wednesday), Childersburg, AL

(25th, About 7:03 A.M.) Two years, and I have bee able to live without Steve and Mary Holt. Paul Greenlee, Robert and Jo Clifton - close friends of the past that are encased in the past.
I don't expect Buckles and Mary to go with me much further.
So why not make it complete? Why not break with another Spirit stifler? Isn't that an excellent motivator for denouncing cigarettes? The few that I smoked a day - 5, 6,7 - had no harmful effects, but the Weed was pernicious to my soul. And if I want to get in to correct lane, I had better free myself of all unnecessary items.
To tell the truth, however, it was economics that actually inspired me to terminate the services of Cigarette - even Generics run $1.25 or more, and that kind of capital outlay every 3-4 days is a luxury I must yield to Poverty.
Poverty just may know my needs better than I do!
A bold, gutsy, large army of Rain is charging at this hour, about 7:03 A.M. Warm, however, is refereeing the War Games.
Childersburg, Al., a wet, dreary Tuesday, the twenty-fifth of 1992's February.

(acerca 7:54 P.M.) Let it be! All this rationalization and retrospection is contributing to my Mental Mischief - for my own good, I need to ride out the storm here in Childersburg, and keep a clear head about the employment slump I find myself in. Why the use of all this physical training, if I lose out on Stress Management?
Well, anyway, the wet afternoon looked the other way as I shared a bed with Sleep for a little over two hours.

(acerca 8:50 P.M.) Is it wrong of me to not want the association of the 'ungodly'? Steve and Mary - both laid this Superiority trip n me, and push any 'free' thought back down my throat.
The Cliftons - condescending, insulting
Buckles and Mary - I went out of my way to be nice to Buckles, and what did he do? Lord! Intimidated me! In order to recoup some self-esteem, he was critical, a abusive, malavelent with everything I did!
You tell me - how could I possibly push forward with all this force pulling me back? Did I really have a choice but to cut loose from it?
I may not go much farther, but at least I will reach the Hand on my own!

(26th) Even with Flip's employee discount the cache costed me over forty bucks! And the recipients are not even using the items!
As you recall, I purchased some souvenirs of my Disney World experience last December; now Leslie has worn her T-shirt one time but David and Bill have yet to model theirs.
Of course the weather hasn't been to co-operative!
Joyce and Mamma stored the glass and cup, respectively, I brought back for them in a cupboard - and haven't tried them out!
May I'm being too sensitive, too childish (you KNOW, I takes it, that the two behavior patterns are more or less the same) - damn! if it doesn't seem that I am being humored and condescendingly treated!
Will I ever find a situation in which my Manhood is not deflected?
This Wednesday is introducing a new line of clothing - the late-night Thunder Storm yesterday designed the Attire.
Cold and wet on this February 26, 1992. Childersburg, Al., is the location of the Show.
Amazing! I am down to the final stage of "The Stand"! As I read each page it was torn away from the body. What a difference the 1090 plus units makes in the appearance of the novel! Plump and sluggish when I first met it, the last couple of weeks have seen it trim down before my very eyes!
I confess! I have been devouring it! But it is so tasty! The sacrifice is gladly and willingly made, if just one Mortal Soul receives strength for the Upward Push.

(acerca 8:58 P.M.) No one, absolutely no one! will read the copy of "The Stand" I travelled with these last couple of weeks! Because it doesn't exist anymore!
I discarded the last of the Stephen King-authored book late this afternoon. Of the three or four King tomes I have read, I have to admit "The Stand" was the most enjoyable one!
Surely I don't think that the Circus will suffer and lament my departure! I better get that idea out of my head! The only party I am hurting with this Stand I am taking - basicly a protest against the atavism Circus life expects of one - is myself.
What makes me think I can change Policy?
I did a load of whites at the downtown Laundromat this morning, then I hung them (towels outside, underwear and socks up here in the living-room, on a rack) up to dry back at the homestead.
Should I tackle Wardrobe for a possible 1992 tour? Should I gamble on a Slim Chance? Most of the costume modification involves only dying and switching the color of my footwear to another color.
Let me think about this - for there is always Mexico!
Working out on the drum is helping the articulation of my left hand.
My eagerness for Mime hasn't flagged; au contraire, it is stronger than ever.
So isn't it ironic I am being shoved away from Her Favors?
The Muse ain't going to beg me to Court Her! If I feel as if I am too good for Her, than away with me!
Winter took personal command of the Weather today; and it showed! Cold, wet, dreary! Maybe someone will assassinate the Asshole!

27 February (Thursday), Childersburg, AL

Let's face it - I am just too old for Movement! Why can't I accept the fact? I guess I am like so many that try to prove the Calender a liar! But, you know, one can't! I don't care if I did trade Termination of Smoking for an Extension of Muscular Enunciation - Nature is a Cheat, an Extortionist! She laughs at my foolhardiness, my desperation!
Damn! if I figured my career would close-out this early! I was counting on age 50 to lock it away.
Only goes to show you who's really in control!
Mamma is getting rid of this 604 5th Avenue, S. W., house and yard - and I have no intentions of basing myself at Joyce's place! - so I have no choice but to go for the gold. I must make every concentrated effort to incorporate a decent-paying job into my Lifestyle, and the hell with what it is, No longer have I the luxury of allowing Mime to neglect Her Financial Support of me, pawning me off on my family for that Coverage!
Up until recently I adamantly opposed the policy of the young to want it all quickly - virtue comes in a protracted development of a craft, science, etc.
Bullshit! The reality is that a young person should grab the Ring as soon as he/she can! For whatever reasons, the vast majority of positions - especially in the Entertainment Industry - are earmarked for the young! Seek you, fortune, and forget this nonsence of study and training!
Why does Society state, " A good Clown takes twenty years to make!" , when, all along, it only supports Babies in Toyland?
Winter is still at the Podium here in Childersburg, Al.; but the Master of Ceremonies is trying to cut Him off!
Thursday, the twenty-seventh of February 1992.
I must confess - it does seem to require a longer period to chase the trauma of a Work-ut away from devouring my body, but Stress could be demanding a large portion of the payment.
It doesn't get ant easier, huh? In fact, it seems to be getting harder! I am very close to the Adios Point!

(acerca 9:40 A.M.) I am not the first to be battered and scorned by Show Business! Nor will I be the last! I just hope I can survive
the Post-Performance period, and learn to live on my own, deprived of the dependence on Mime.

(acerca 3:54 P.M.) Bitter?
Now, why should I be bitter?
Just because I infused into the Clowning of Carson and Barnes Circus energetic, body-depleting choreography and performance for many seasons, only to have the Alley handed over to some non-caring, amateur Bitch!
Bitter?
Who, me?
Robin, with whom I spoke this afternoon when I contracted Big Apple Circus, laid on me the spill, "All the Clown for next season are lined up." But then she admitted that wasn't really her department.
Michael Christiansen is in the hospital until tomorrow.
Robin suggested I send a photo and information to the office; when I explain that I did so the first of the year, she said Mr. Christiansen would call me.
Maybe! All is not lost yet!
Spring is hard at work attempting to straighten out the mess Winter made in His Speech - Sun is apologizing for the Coldness. Clear Sky is hoping to smother the memory of Overcast.
A beautiful bright, cool day. I gave an hour - and no more! - to practice. I will not kick juggling out of my schedule until the last flame flickers out.

(acerca 8:24 P.M.) Maybe my 'Caretaker' isn't such a Villian afterall!
While cleaning out the basement a book exposed itself, insisting on my attention.
(Was it ordered to appear at this troubled time?)
"The Male Mid-Life Crisis- Fresh Starts After Forty," a paperback by Nancy Mayer. Could be this depression I am trapped in is nothing but a Mid-Life Crisis! To help me cope with the rough passage, the book may point out detours and travel tips.
I hope so! Most likely I will be very comfortable once I get over this hump, but if I don't find a way through the mine, I will probably accept Death's
invitation. His Door is always open for Weary Travellers. Twenty-four hours a day. Seven day a week. Twelve months of the year. And no one is turned away.

28-29 February (Friday-Saturday), Childersburg, Al.

(28th, About 6:19 A.M.) It's awfully hard to be tolerate of this career-crisis, when one faces a Bleak Time at re-establishment. If I had a larger Emergency Cash Cache it wouldn't be so bad. And a car would give me access to many opportunities now closed to me just because I can't get to them.
What good are memories? Can they pay the bills?
Have I ever been in this shape? Will I be able to resurrect myself?
So much for ambition! I deserve this punishment for taking on that ill-fitting coat, and believing the comments it brought forth!
An early morning cool; clear and cloudless sky just might pump up this day into a Beaut.

(acerca 10:30 A.M.) Let me tell you - it feels wonderful knowing that I won't have to be subjected to the savagery and bestial conditions of Carson and Barnes Circus! I somehow can't shake this garb of freedom! Hell! it's been several years since I have been able to advance through time without having that Road Block interfering with travel.
And if I can't be with Mime and free at the same time - if the Woman insists on the two going together - well, I just find myself another Wentch! It's not as if the World is short on Sluts! Only a question of finding the right fit!

(acerca 3:26 P.M.) There aren't many options out there; but I must horn in on one.
Big Apple Circus didn't call back today - and I doubt if anyone connected with the show has any intentions to ever do so!
Damn! if I can figure out why I was 'invited,' during a telephone conversation last October, to contact the office the last week in February, and when I did, I was informed there are no openings for the 1992 season? I submitted 'application' material the final part of December, and began the phone campaign four weeks ago.
What more can I do?
If Carson and Barnes is the best I can do, maybe I AM wasting my time!
Twice before was I able to re-established myself after a break - can I do it again? Or is it finally over?
Just as well - at least I'm not overstaying my Welcome!
March Wind made a Trial Run this afternoon. Impressive.
A bright, clear, warm day. A few spectators loafed in the sky watching the Racing Practice.
Since I won't be courting Mime for a while, if ever again, I must design yet another regiment of exercise and training (for I will keep juggling - it has been good to me, and I won't reject it, just because of the separation between Mime and myself).
Ironically, I could have contributed more and stronger stuff to a Venue! At least 3-4 more years are backlogged! But once the momentum is lost, that surplus will atrophy.
That's the breaks!

(acerca 9:01 P.M.) Damn! if I allow the Circus to break-up my marriage! I'm still going to train and fix up wardrobe!
This rejection by the Sawdust might very well be a blessing in disquise - I can return to television and Festival work, and possibly teaching.
This time around I won't suffer from the amateur Enviroment - what, after all, is more amateur than Carson and Barnes Circus?
And since I know the Big Time doesn't exist, I cam pay more attention to the current fling, and not be scrutinizing every Shapely Thing that passes, drooling from the mouth!
What an exciting way to end up my career!

(29th, About 7:40 A.M.) Fate gave me an extra day to figure out my career situation. So on this Leap Day, February 29, of 1992, in Childersburg, Al., I composed and handprinted a 3-pages letter to Mr. D.R. Miller, producer and co-owner of Carson and Barnes Circus (we all know his real position with the show!).
I asked for a raise, and a transout of the Backyard to the Pie Car.
It's not as easy as I thought it would be to tell Mime where to get off. And since no other Circus, for whatever reason, won't reel me in, I an going straight to the Big Man.
Can you blame me? See, I do know how to handle myself in the business somewhat!
A sunny, clear, beautiful Saturday. About 7:40 A.M., the Air is cool, but that Shift is rapidly coming to an end.
I did a load of clothes at the laundromat yesterday morning.
After a short but streneous work-out last night, fatique engulfed me. Is this a sign that Age is countering my training, or that the Sleep I have been dealing with just hasn't been revealing enough?

(acerca 9:30 P.M.) Four years in the making! What beautiful Craftmanship!
Warm, sunny, and clear - a lovely afternoon.
I went ahead and practiced after lunch; if I can't come up with a circus deal, I will most likely begin another session of Street and Stage Performances. And juggling will be a part of the new act.
Surely I don't expect Betty to be eagerly awaiting my return!
Just between you and me, if I could, by some fluke of nature, win Betty over, then I would be content to bow out of the circus. Of course, assuming Betty is interested in me, it is because I represent an anomaly in the Circus, and among Clowns. But I doubt if her attraction would survive away from the Circus enviroment.
So let's forget Betty Ramirez, how 'bout it? I think it would be best for both of us.

1 March (Sunday), Childersburg, AL

(6:36 A.M.) It has come in like a lamb; if the saying is true to form, some rough weather is laying in waiting.
Of course, that is here in Childersburg, Al. I have to be gone in a week or so - come what may! I should have been gone already! That was my original design!
Little did I expect to spend the first of March 1992 once again trapped in the Mimimum Security Prison! How was I to know, though, that things are refusing to co-operate?
it Is a coldish 6:36 A.M. The curfew for the Clouds is still in effect in the sky.
I really not ready to hand over my Clowning to the Circus just yet! I haven't prepared the Main Terminal.
Give me one final season to re-program my relationship to Life.
Although it may be best to break Cold Turkey with Mime! You know, as one should do with drink, drugs, or cigarettes. 1992, my Drug Counselor, could very well be handling my Rehabilatation in this manner.

(about 7:32 A.M.) Shouldn't a year be long enough to rustle up a Post-Mid-Life Crisis work schedule? And might not the economy be in better shape? I don't want to appear to be weaselling out of an exodus from Show Business, but the present situation out there frightens and confuses me. Unless Fate just tosses me on the Water, where its sink or swim, I rather humble myself and stick with Mime until I can sneak off with another Lover.
No longer will my focus be to work hard and attempt to please the Muse - now it's a matter of enduring Her Presence until I can figure a way from the strangling Marriage.

(acerca 1:03 P.M.) Ever since I decided to submit my demands to D.R. Miller, my liaison with sleep has become more intense. As if the Inner Struggle was over - or at least halted for awhile.
Betty Ramirez had nothing to do with this! Apparently my mission on Carson and Barnes Circus is not completed yet, and I was worrying who would take over the work.
Most likely, no one; so Psychial nagged me over leaving a job undone.
Then, too, the cessation of Cigarette smoking may have enticed Sleep back to the Fold; Sleep, we all know, refuses to be around Smoke.
Of course, I still lust for Big Apple or Allen Bros.; but if Mr. Miller meets my demands I would condescend and do the 1992 with that Hugo Show.
The Fight is coming down to the wire - Carson and Barnes opens in less than four weeks, and Allen Bros. initiates its 1992 tour about the same time.
It doesn't matter if Mr. Miller lures me back in or not - the calmness resulting from Writing is a Victory.
May it extend to whatever I hit upon in the future!

(acerca 2:13 P.M.) A direct Message from Sun; a cat-like breeze (as felines do when they rub against one's legs in asking for food); a sky freed of Clouds (thanks to the liberator Sun).
Lower-70-degrees (F).
What a tease March is! For you don't really expect She will 'put out' this easily the rest of Her Shift?! Be prepared for Bitching and Not Keeping Herself Up! (continued)




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