"Two Way Street" by Kimbra
December 29, 2014 Monday 1:09 AM
Brian just left my room. We were cuddling for a while, it was really nice. He smelled good. He kissed my neck and it felt so good. I did not know things could feel that good. Like, fuck, that was awesome. But naw, I didn't react when he kissed my neck, I didn't change, and pretty soon afterwards he got up and left the room. I think he went to bed.
I don't understand myself, though. I'm not attracted to him, really. Like, I don't want to kiss him but I can't resist his warm body. Cuddling feels so fucking amazing and damn, those neck kisses... They got me feeling a bit light headed. They felt so good oh my goddd but I just wish they weren't from him.
I like Brian and all but I DON'T KNOW. I don't know. I make myself mad but the issue is he can be really obnoxious and then I have this problem where I always expect something way too perfect. Also, he leaves in like three days so I don't want to feel things for him.
I don't want to think, though. Ahh, those neck kisses. Ahhh, fuck. You know, that is one issue I never got over.
I haven't talked about it in awhile since I hadn't been too close to boys but I've always had this weird thing where if I got too physically close to anyone, I'd become emotionally detached.
(MAYBE it has to do with the thing that happened when you were little???)
No, probably not. I think about that memory from time to time but it wasn't all that traumatizing.
I probably just get really scared. Like, I've always had trust and vulnerability issues. They're a lot better than they used to be but I haven't had the chance to work on them like this. I noted that I was always scared when he pulled his arm away to check his phone or some shit.
I hope he doesn't like me that way. I hope he just wanted to cuddle and I hope those neck kisses were nothing (even though they felt amazzzzinnngg).
I also hope I find someone who
1) lives here
2) will love me
3) someone i can love
4) will give me neck kisses
I keep rubbing my neck, though, and his hand is kind of delicate but it was nice on mine, mostly because I'm used to feeling my own warmth and that's it.
BUT TOMORROW: Tomorrow I will write about hanging out with Olivia which was fun. It's just that Brian left my room like ten minutes ago and I've been thinking too much since then so *shrug*