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2014-12-24 23:15:36 (UTC)

Fun Buddy

"I Am Warm & Powerful" by Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin [I love this song so frickin fuckin much]

December 24, 2014 Wednesday 10:18 PM

Things make me sad and confused but all is good, I suppose.

I invited Olivia to go to a play over the weekend on my sister's birthday.

My family from Miami (mom's side, hispanic) is coming up to New York for Christmas so yay. That's nice. I love them because they love dancing and they're laid back, unlike my dad's side. I mean, I love my dad's side too, but you have to be careful with them.

Anyway, so my aunt and uncle (although we call them tia and tio) are driving up with my twenty year old cousin Marissa and my 14 year old cousin GG as well as GG's friend. GG is bringing a friend because me, Marissa, and Caroline all get along well and I guess he didn't want to be left out.

Um. Fuck, i hope GG's friend is attractive and/or interesting and if he is, I hope I get to make out with him because... I'LL GET TO MY HORMONAL DESIRES IN A SECOND.

Anyway, so that's nine people cramming themselves into a house. We'll all fit but it'll be tight and hard to get alone time.

Yay! I really hope Olivia can come to the play with me. Caroline begged me to invite a friend because we're going on her 21st birthday and she wanted to go to a local restaurant with Marissa and her friends because on birthdays, you get free meals at this burrito place and yeah.

Also, I just want to hang out with Olivia anyway because I like her a lot and the other day she said she wanted a best friend and then she half yelled, "I CHOOSE YOU!!!" and that was super nice. She makes me feel so good! Like, she's so nice and smart and easy to talk to. it's amazing. I could literally write an entire entry about how great she is but that'll have to wait (probably).

I was hesitant to be all, "OKAY, SURE!" because I have Lily and I love the fuck out of Lily. Like, I love Lily with a fiery passion but I also love Olivia which is strange since I haven't know her as long. I guess I shouldn't read too much into anything. But I mean, I've been talking more to Olivia and sharing more with her than I have with Lily lately and I kind of feel closer to Olivia.

At the same time, i have that WONDERFUL, CONSTANT FEAR that she will get super annoyed with me and hate me forever and put me down and I will die inside. Cool.

I feel dumb talking about this, though. In all truth, it doesn't matter to anyone. Maybe if I said something deep, people would pay attention but I am lacking profound thoughts lately.

I'm so tired and now I'm in a bad mood. Both my parents have been nagging me ALLL DAY.

Like, fuck, "clean this clean that" and I have been cleaning! But then they yelled at me to get dressed so we could go to a party and then church and then we come home and I just want to sit for awhile but nooo, no, if I sit down for a bit, they tell me I can't be trusted to do anything ever. Well, fuck y'all.

I'm such a typical teenager. I always hoped I'd be something else.

Olivia was telling me about how she has a "fun buddy" which is basically someone she makes out with without having a relationship and I WANT ONE.

Mostly because I think if I was got out some of this fucking pent up sexual energy, I'd have more time to think about other stuff. I don't want to think about kissing anymore, I want to think about my future. I want to think about whether I want a full high school career or if I want to try and graduate early and go to the local community college before transferring somewhere else. I want to think about this stuff but instead, I keep dwelling on my social life and it's annoying.

If I'm not doing that, I'm depressed and thinking about cutting myself or I'm thinking about the hospital and all the fucked up kids I met there.

I don't know.

I'm tired.

PS: I was thinking if I ever talked to John again (I'm sad because he hasn't talked to me since he asked for nudes), he could be my fun buddy but... oh well, I guess.