The Real Me
I have been writing in here for 5 years now...or more.
But what I have realized is that it hasnt really helped me grow...it has only allowed me to re visit my thoughts or express how I feel.
I need to move on with my life. I need to learn to trust again, I need to learn to trust myself and I need to find resolve and peace in my life.
I can only do that by letting go and moving out.
So here are the steps I need to take:
Clear my debts
Learn to drive
Move out of my house and live alone
Start doing new activities and things
Accept who I am, resolve and accept.
Close my diary.
I have alot of inner turmoil that is seeping into other peoples lives when I try and start relationships with them. Dr M made me see that, unintentionally but he made me see it.
Talking to people in a calm manner and never lose my temper.
I dont have to shut out people I dont like in my life but to just accept them for who they are and be civil with them. Arguing and standing my ground all the time will not resolve my issues. It is a sign of maturity to be able to endure people who you do not even like.
I cannot keep living like I am in a war or a conflict. I am no longer in a war zone, I cannot keep reacting to my past in my present.
I have to let it go. There is nothing else left to revisit, I have to close the chapters of my past and live in this present...find out who I really am. I have potential I must unlock. I have dwelled enough into the injustice, enough into the pain and enough into critising and disecting everything about me. I dont accept who I am, how can anyone else?
The problem wasnt that I told him a little about my past...the problem was that i am still letting it affect me today.
I am not fucked up.
I will not keep fucking up.
Something in the universe will click and work and find its way to me to make me who I am meant to be.
The hardest thing will be to let go of this diary because I didnt realize up till now how dependant or more so attached I have become to it....but letting go is the only way I can move on.
My life starts here.
Live for you Miss M.