Zubicu

Zubicu's place
2014-12-23 22:16:07 (UTC)

Entry eighty-one

It's difficult, isn't it?
Especially with internet friends, who care about you more than your real friends do.
To keep it all in, when all you want to do is scream and shout and yell all of your problems to anybody who cares to ask if you're OK.
Yet you can't.
You don't want to burden them with your troubles.
Not even subtly, like signs in Minecraft on a multiplayer server, or anonymous messages on a social site to them.
Because they'll trace them back to you, and then what?
So you don't tell them. Scared that they'll judge you, "why would you shove this on us? We have problems of our own!" and if they do find out "why didn't you come to us before, do you not trust us?"
So you keep it inside. Force a happy voice, a smile, a laugh, and they'll never know the difference because they can't see how thin you are or the empty look in your eyes. They can't see your arms, wrists, legs, anything.
They can't see the pain, and you don't want to know how they would react if they did see it.
So when they ask "How are you?" "How's it going?" you reply with "Good, and you?"
And because of the fact that you don't want to burden people with your troubles, you accept them burdening theirs onto you, in the hopes that if they do find out one day just how much of a state you're in that they'll find it in their hearts to be more considerate and help.
But they'll never find out, will they?
Even if we have the most considerate friends out there who would do anything for you and I'm one of them, I have those friends too and I couldn't be more grateful, but even if we do have those- we still don't tell them.
The considerate ones, the kind ones, are the ones who often have been hurt the most.
So we don't want to make it worse.
So we hide.
We wait.
We deal with it on our own.
And we suffer.
Any screams, any shouts, are all inside our head.
Because at the end of the day? People don't stay with you.
After everything's said and done we end up on our own, no matter what.
And that's what hurts people like myself the most.
People who give anything and everything to keep their friends safe and happy- once they're done, they throw us out like so much useless trash. And we're left on our own again. We find a new group. And the cycle repeats.




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