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2014-12-22 18:20:14 (UTC)

Lack of Clarity

"House Burning Down" by Walk The Moon [Olivia gave me a list and this song was first and it's gooooddddd]

December 22, 2014 Monday 5:21 PM

I! Am! Happy as fuccckkk! God, this song is good, it does things to my body. I hope me and Olivia dance one day. We have similar music tastes so we'd both feel the music and we could just ROCK OUT, HELL YES.

She's important. I like her. Sometimes, I get really scared of how much I love people, specific people and the world as a whole (despite the population as whole being really idiotic).

Like, I get scared of how much I love Lily and I don't ever want to lose her. When I fall in love (if I fall in love), I will fall hard and fast and I'll be reborn and damn, I just have so much to give.

I do not feel like I can see enough. I do not feel like I am experiencing clarity.

It's times like these I wonder if the stupid fucking doctors (I'm sorry! When did I get so mean? When did I stop seeing that it's never okay?) were right. Like, maybe I do have bipolar mood swings and maybe I should be medicated but I did okay without medication for the few months between the Seroquel (and wellbutrin) and the Lamictol (and lexapro). I do remember being depressed but I was kind of okay, right? Highly anxious, but okay.

Is okay enough?

I am not seeing. Well, I see things out of the corners of my eyes again. Fast moving objects and I turn to look but nothing is there.

At least it's not the shadow bugs. Those were weird and those remind me of the hospital. I used to half zone out in group meetings when the lady would talk about medications and healthy ways of dealing with issues. I imagined a moving chalk like on her forehead, moving up and down, spiking like a heart monitor.

I am full of thoughts today but I feel happy. I am happy.