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I Am Disconnected-Ish
"I Can Lift A Car" by Walk The Moon [Was goin' through my old entries. Found that I used to love this gem. Bam.]
I do not feel good. I have not felt this way in quite awhile. It's like there is electricity inside me and it does not feel good. Nothing I do gets rid of the anxious energy. I am pretty much bursting and, ugh, BRAIN CHEMISTRY: STOP.
God, my hands are so cold and so is the rest of my body. I don't know. Pat will probably not be happy that my moods are fluctuating and she'll be all, "talk to your psychiatrist lady" and I'll be all, "fine" even though I hate her (she's super religious and does not have respect for teens which is dumb since I'm her fucking patient but OH THE FUCK WELL).
I missed my last appointment with Pat, though. I could've used it. I see her twice a month and psychiatrist lady about once a month. Pat's really nice, though, she gives me hope for my future even though I feel like I'm drowning and she lets me fold tissues into little triangles even though that's a waste of paper.
Anything I feel like saying just feels dumb. I thought about talking about my dad but nah. Or maybe my mom.
Or maybe about how I feel so separate from my heritage and I am jealous that my sister speaks so fluently. I have too much pride. I can't stand to stumble on my words. I imagine the little Nicaraguan children I used to know and even though they were always nice to me, I imagine them pointing and laughing, mocking my terrible grammar and my slight american accent.
I tried speaking to my Abuelita on the phone today and I could barely say anything. Afterwards, I cried a little bit just because it feels like they can't love me. I'm stupid and emotional and things are unclear today.
Also, my head kind of hurts and so does my chest which pisses me off because I hate being sad!!! I was doing so good for like a month and a half!!! I only got sad every once in awhile!
I've been doing so good for a year and a half, actually, and it's been a couple months since I last cut but I don't care about that too much.
I'm so tired and I really feel like I have spouted nothing but bullshit today but I guess that's fine, right? Riggghhhtt?
What, no answer?
Pftt, fine then, I see how it is.
Oh man, the energy is in my head and I feel slightly off. I feel a buzzing in my head, almost like I'm floating.
Okay well, I guess I should go since all I'm doing is distracting myself and- waht the fuck, did my vision just-?
I'M SO BORING AND SELF-PITYING TODAY, GOD.
My hands are shaking a little.
Annddd yeah goodnight, I guess. Fuck everything ever and please let me have a nightmare tonight. Those are always strangely nice. All my thoughts are so disconnected and I feel so crazy.
Goodnight, you people in unspecified locations. Goodnight.