2014-12-21 15:55:20 (UTC)


"Colombia" by Local Natives

Every night I ask myself,
Am I giving enough?
Am I giving enough?

"It's Only Life" by The Shins

You've been talking for hours
You say time will wash every tower to the sea
Now you've got this worry in your heart

Well I guess it's only life, it's only natural
We all spend a little while going down the rabbit hole
The things they taught you, they're lining up to haunt you

December 21, 2014 Sunday 2:57 PM

Everything is beautiful. Why does it hurt so much?

I can't place why Carrie triggers me so much. It's not because we were in the hospital. It's not that.

I don't think I want to know.

I have Peer Leadership tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it. I'm not going to talk about the hospital. I really, really want to but I know myself and I know that I will look for the perfect time which will never come.



I love Ethan (and just in case it is not perfectly clear, I mean in a sibling type way, not romantic love *shudders* gross).

Right now, he's upstairs in my sister's bed, curled up. He's sick so my sister went out to buy him soup and pepsi, which is his favorite drink. Poor piffan. He's so thin and cute, like a small animal, when he's sick. Also, he's been less annoying lately haha.

Caroline turns twenty one in seven days. I can't remember if Ethan is nineteen or twenty. Yesterday, I hung out with Caroline, Ethan, and my sister's friend Carlos. Well, not really hung out, I just needed to go shopping and they were going. It was fun. They're entertaining people.

I LOVE OLIVIA, OH MY GOD. She's perfect!!!

I've been making new friends lately but she's my favorite (Alexa is my second favorite).

Not only is she really smart but she likes the same type of music and books and movies as me and it's so niccce...

Her and Lily would get along real well but I'm insecure so I probably won't introduce them until later because what if they become amazingly close friends and I'm gone? Maybe that's a childish fear but it happened before with Marina and Lily and I died a little inside so yeah.

Olivia suggested I read this book called When You Reach Me and it's so beautiful and sad and it makes me feel nostalgic.

I know I don't have a lot to say today. I'm sorry. I just feel so sad and so happy and I want to love you and I want to feel your skin and I don't even know who you are, but you're someone and waiting for you is like waiting for Santa. I never really believed you were real and you aren't but sometimes, it's better to just pretend.

Honestly, it drives me crazy, living in reality. I'm slowly dying (and getting progressively more dramatic, haha), shriveling up inside myself but I dance so energetically and I don't know how my body does this.

How am I so depressed, yet I can't stop moving??? It's almost wonderful but the sadness crashing into the happiness just causes a panic inside me that I am used to and it never feels quite good. Not really bad, but never good.

Oh, epinephrin. Please stop racing through my veins.

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