LustingforNightmares

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2014-12-19 19:45:26 (UTC)

Carter Can Go Suck a Fuck


"Black Balloons" by Local Natives

December 19, 2014 Friday 6:46 PM


I
WANT
TO
PUNCH
CARTER (*sigh* *monotone voice* formerly known as Blue Eyes ok)
IN
THE
FACE.

HE SUCKS. HE FUCKING MAKES ME ANGRY AND, UGH, I WANT HIM TO SHUT HIS FUCKING ARROGANT MOUTH AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW HE CAN SEEM SO FULL OF HIMSELF IF I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT OVER THE SUMMER, HE TRIED KILLING HIMSELF. LIKE, FUCK, MAN. FUCK YOU.

Also, I finally realized why he made me nervous at first. It's because of his eyes. I already knew that but it's not that they're pretty (I wish he'd just let them be brown, though), it's that they look like they're challenging you. Daring you to say something. His whole body does that, actually, and his face and I hate it. It puts me on edge and if I have to, I will be mean.

I only recently discovered that about myself. It turns out I will defend myself if I have to which is probably why I always get into physical fights in my dreams. I am holding myself back in real life, most of the time.

God. He didn't even do much to get me mad, but I still want to gauge his eyes out (wow, okay, I'm violent today) so that he stops making me periodically angry. I haven't seen him in several hours and STILL, his stupid face comes back to me and makes me want to slap it, dear god.

This isn't some weird crush thing. I don't want to dislike him since he's nice to me sometimes but he sUCCCKKSS.

I am so repulsed by every part of him except for his hands and eyes. Those are okay. It's just the rest of him that kind of makes me want to gag. It's not that he's unattractive. He looks FINE but his personality puts me off.

Okay, so today was okay I guess but I'm 100% positive he knew I was not okay and yet he did not ask if something was wrong. That didn't really bother me until he got up to leave and I said, "Hey, you looked really sad the other day,-"

(he was absent yesterday)

"-was something wrong?"

And he looked at me and Olivia and was all, "Yes, something was wrong, no thanks to you guys so fuck you."

He seemed to be kind of kidding but you can never tell and fuck you, FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.

Also, he apparently said he was bored of us and again, fuck you. Don't call me boring. I am not boring. Even as I say that, I don't really believe it but still... Fuck. YOu. FUCK YOU SO MUCH, UGHHHH.

I NEED CARTER TO KEEP HIS GROSS SELF AWAY FROM ME UNLESS HE DECIDES TO NOT BE AN ASSHOLE.

Okay. Moving on.

I've felt really shitty. Like, really shitty. I sobbed for awhile last night and as I was attempting to sleep, I tried ignoring the burning sensation in my chest. It felt like poison in my veins, dripping down the sides of lungs.

I kept imaging just ripping open my skin, taking a knife and slicing and letting it out, letting it bleed so it wouldn't hurt anymore.

God, I forgot how much it hurt.

I forgot the physical feelings and the never-ending string of images flashing through my mind. God, they never stop. Small moments, like daggers in my chest and it hurts so much. I can't even escape by closing my eyes and covering my ears, though I try. I must look crazy. I whisper to myself, "Stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop"

Oh, but they don't stop.

They don't leave me alone.

It's like an infection. It's all the terrible feelings I've ever had rushing through me all at once.

It hurts so much.

Oh, yeah. I should probably get to the cause. I was fine but I went to Peer Leadership and things got bad.

Carrie was crying like, the whole time.

I don't understand my feelings towards her. Sometimes I hate her and sometimes I just want to hug her but we are not close (I accidentally told her we were) and I don't love her (I accidentally told her I did).

The thing is, though, she was in pain. She cried and finally left the room and no one seemed to notice so I followed her out of the room and into the bathroom where I talked to her and we sat on the bathroom floor while I folded a paper towel into different shapes.

Then, we went back and it was during sessions. Fuck. That sucked because that meant I was automatically paired with Carrie.

That wouldn't have been bad except for she had a bad night and I had a feeling she wouldn't be able to listen to me.

And believe me, I had a lot to say. I wanted to get through all this shit I've been keeping inside me forever. I just want to talk about my sadness and my pills and everything because I know it'd make me feel better.

So yeah, she continued talking for a few minutes. Then she had a demo. And then we split into sessions and by then, my emotional doors had closed. I was no longer willing to share.

I went home as quickly as possible (as soon as the second session was over) and cried a lot.

That was basically my night. I guess I felt hopeless because it feels like no one will ever listen to me. At the same time, I'm a hypocrite because even though I know it's not logical, I'm waiting indefinitely for a person who will easily open my doors.

I never know who to trust and so I usually go the safe way even though it hurts... so... bad.

Ah, fuck. Goodnight.


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