A lady in the crowd
2014-12-19 22:46:26 (UTC)

Absolutely Worthless.

At last it's near the Christmas holidays, and that also means vacation! Two weeks away from high school: thank God!

This previous week consisted of final exams. I found myself having restless nights all to successfully pass my four exams. My eyelids were constantly shutting; it was a war against staying awaken and getting some rest. My early mornings were spent in a coffee shop, where I told the Star Bucks employee, "May I have the strongest coffee please."

I'm only a young over achiever who mourned for a 4.17 GPA and this was the sacrifice that had to be made. My body couldn't endure such exhaustion, yet I felt confident in taking my mathematics finals. I searched my Jan Sport backback and discovered that my notebook was missing. A pink graphing notebook where my study guide is. I depended on this!

I ran like a maniac throughout the entire Calexico High School campus; I never found it. Time was ticking and the time for testing was perishing. The world was closing in on me. This is when the panic began to kick in.

I observed my exam carefully. Suddenly my mind went blank. I attempted to solve the simplest problems, and I couldn't even combine like terms. I felt idiotic, stupid, and brainless. How could I not be able to solve this, when I knew this perfectly yesterday.
Where had my memory gone?

For the first time in my life I had an anxiety attack. I never imagined that I would ever be a person who would go through this. I shut my eyes and hoped that I would awaken from this terrible nightmare. I attempted to solve the problems once more. The exam was multiple, choice how hard could this be? However my answers weren't relevant.
(A) 604.5
(B) 039.75
(C) 45.40
(D) 102.303

How the fuck did I get -25?

"You're worthless. Absolutely worthless." My subconscious thoughts said to me. I began to feel an overwhelming panic, a painful migraine, hyperventilation, nauseous, including hot and cold flashes. I trembled uncontrollably like a Chihuahua in Antarctic weather and I didn't know why. All I knew was that I couldn't control it.

Their was an urge to hide under my desk, or to run out of the classroom, to escape, but from what? That's when I lost control of my breathing; I couldn't catch my breath. I hid my face on the desk for an hour and a half. Then the bell rung and I told Mr. Kovac to fail me.

My brother was waiting for me. He hugged me with his strong protecting arms, and I burst into tears. I ran and hid in-between a tiny space of two trailers. I felt myself loosing consciousness. I heard distant voices asking what had happened, what was wrong, will I be okay?

Three long hours later the anxiety attack was finally over. I felt weak yet I regained control. I would like to thank my family for helping me realize that I have to relax more. I also want to thank my brother, Gustavo, and my significant other, Sammy, who waited for me outside of the nurses office. Including my good friend Eldia who told me,
"You need sleep, and relax Anne. You stress yourself out, and you focus too much on school. You'll find the notebook."

I recall being the rebel who didn't give a damn for school. Ironically now I've become an academic overachiever, also known as a nerd. I'll follow Eldia's advice, It's about time I relax and enjoy the little things in life. One day I'll look back and realize they were the big things.

~Yours truly,