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2014-12-17 19:09:47 (UTC)

Wide Eyes

"Wide Eyes" by Local Natives

They told me how they fear
Now they're placing it on their tongues

Oh to see it with my own eyes

December 17, 2014 Wednesday 6:11 PM

I'm tired and a bit sad. Yesterday, when I got out of the shower I wanted to stand there forever, watching the bath mat soak up the water falling from my body and I never wanted to move or think or anything.

I'm so tired.

My chest hurts. My lungs are full of words, I think, but I'm not breathing so they just sit there.

Oh, god, it rises and drowns me and the way out is a locked door. I know I just have to hold on, squeeze my eyes shut, stop kicking, hold my breath, wait for the killer to leave.

Every thought I have is painful, everything is painful and I remember that it wasn't this way last week.

I think Carter is avoiding me and the other people who sit at my table. I got kinda pissed at him on Monday and I was kind of mean to him. He was really quiet the next day and today, he didn't show up. If you piss me off, I'm going to be mean, that's just a fact.

I asked him so many times to stop asking me for a salad because whenever I say no, he takes my things and forces me to get one for him which annoys me so I stopped complying.

So yeah, I was pretty pissed and I just wanted him to shut up so I was probably mean and I said something like, "How do you even get girlfriends?" and he said, "I treat them the way I treated you when we first met," and OKAY, ASSHOLE, OKAY.

No, fuck Carter. I just told him I wish he'd stayed that way (he was a lot more pleasant and a lot less sexual). I like Carter and everything but he really gets me mad. Like, fuck, he's so stubborn and not in a good way.

Yesterday, Olivia and I bonded briefly when we admitted we both think gay sex is kind of really hot. Sam was like, "Hells no," but I like guy moans, okay?

I'm so tired and anxious and overwhelmed. Fuck everything, ugh.

I am getting those images in my head again, the brief ones that slip by when I close my eyes; I tear my skin off, starting from the eyes. God, why are they so graphic and creepy? They make me feel crazy.

My nightmares were pretty wild last night. I can't remember most of them but I do know they caused me to wake up, whimpering and thrashing, several times during the night.

(I told Lily this and then I said, as a joke, "I probably look cute when I have nightmares. Maybe I should film myself." and she goes, "No worries. I can do that for you." AHHH, I love her. And just in case it is necessary to explain, she was also joking but with a super serious face and really wide eyes, 'cause that's how we do)

Goodnight. I've run out of things to say.

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