Complaining about shit
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Today I took the initiative to remove things from my life that stress me out. I deleted that married guy off my friends list and every picture I have of him from my phone. I'll be avoiding him for a while now, that also means I'll be avoiding my uncle at some points also but I'll get over it. I never got the chance to actually tell him but he made it pretty clear that nothing I can say to him matters. When he came to my house with his kid. The way he interacts with his wife has also gotten super obnoxious. I get it you're an asshole but whatever. I can't believe I actually thought I meant something to him. What the hell was I thinking? It's okay though. I'll move on soon enough. I think the last straw was this morning around 2. His wife obviously did something to make him get in the mood and he dipped off on me...lol. This has been one hell of an experience. I think it's been about 12yrs since I met him and on an off for those years I've loved him, been obsessed and infatuated by him. I think I lost my mind somewhere along the way but at this point I've never felt more sane. Next year will be my year. It took being broken over and over again to get some of my faith back. It's probably not nearly as big as a mustard seed but I'm tired of being rebellious. It still hurts to try and believe in God. Well it's not that I didn't believe in God, I just couldn't wrap my head around the religions part of it. I still can't and I still can't fallow a religion but I can believe that there is a God. I'll see what he has in store for me. I've been told that next year is my year so I'll believe it. I'm just so sad and hurt but once again I can't cry. I'm sorry about this but "Deleting" people from my life is how I deal with rejection and pain. He didn't even need to say anything, I already knew how things would go from the start. My only regret is that I never said anything. This will be a very bitter pill to and it's going to leave a very bad taste in my mouth and a very dark stain on my heart. But more then anything, after this we'll never be able to look at each other the same. I don't know how it'll be for him, hell he might not look at me any different and just think that I'm crazy or something. But for me, this is a starting point and I'll never trust him again. I don't even want to here him speak to me or even say my motherfucking name. I need to stand on this and I'm going to need to the power of a God for this one. I literally have no choice but to believe.
I was told that I have to find my own happiness and this is a start. This is my start. I don't want to be friends with them anymore. I've never thought of them as my friends in the first place. It took me 12yrs to finally understand that it's okay to be alone and besides I've made other friends, who I'd love to get close to but I'm scared that I'll come off as crazy. Maybe it would be better if I just stopped trying to make friends and be alone for a little while. I'm 26yrs old, not s child, so I don't need them but I'd like to have them.