LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2014-12-15 19:09:34 (UTC)

Changing


"Another Love" by Tom Odell


"Portuguese Voices" by Spark Alaska [can't get over this song, it reminds me of Manchester Orchestra's Sleeper 1972]

You're a letter never opened and never read

December 15, 2014 Monday 6:10 PM


I thought I should write. I am pretty sad.

I think I might be a bit depressed after stopping the lamotrogine/lamictol so quickly. Everything bores me and I'm just feeling pretty lazy.

I doubt anyone can tell I feel bad. It's like when I'm with other people, my external layer just gets this huge shock of energy and I just socialize more than I ever thought I could. I mean, I always thought I was an introvert but I guess not.

It's weird that I'm not the same person I was a couple months ago.

I talk to people I don't know and I'm making random friends and just socializing in general and I don't know, I say things without thinking (and I used to think a lot about what I would say which was often a negative because I would end up replying with only silence which was awkward).

I also end up being very open about things I was never open about before.

For example, today I talked with this guy and a girl I kind of know in art class about how I kinda want nipple piercings (I love how the bar ones look) but I'm not sure if I'm responsible enough to care for them.

And like, I talk about other things I never considered speaking about before like awkward moments and being naked and sex and stuff. It's pretty weird.

(Speaking of naked-ness, I've been really horny this week and I don't really know why????)

I don't know.

Also, once when I was little, one of my sister's friends woke me up in the middle of the night and took off my clothes and I guess touched me kind of.

It wasn't, like, molestation or anything. First of all, the friend (who was a girl) was pretty young so she wasn't touching me in a sexual way. She just stuck a pencil inside me (yes... inside me...) and told me to pretend I was giving birth and then after, she tried making me smell her fingers and

I have to admit, it was pretty awful and I don't like thinking about it. I still don't know if I felt violated. Like, is violated the right word?

I wish she hadn't done that. I didn't like it but I didn't really know how to say no.

I kind of forgot about it and I only remember it every once in awhile. I frown and it's like looking at myself in another life. It's so strange and far away. I know it happened to me but it's almost like it didn't.

The point is, I don't think it was traumatizing, it was just weird and "embarrassing" (it shouldn't have been) and I felt gross for letting it happen, I guess. Whatever. Any negative feelings that went along with that time are very muted. I remember that it was sucky at the time and I was just mean to myself about it.

It's nothing like other people's experiences, though. It would have sucked to have an actual adult look at me, a small child, as a sexual thing. I get disgusted just thinking about it. With the girl, it was different. She was always interested in children and medical type stuff so it made sense.

Another thing is when I was a kid, I was actually sexual and I thought I was strange because of that and often put myself down because of it. So yeah, I guess my self-deprecating habits starting when I was young.

I've never talked about either of those things. I've vaguely referenced them in entries before. I was going through my super old writing and I read an entry where I was going over my life and I looked at that situation with the girl who kinda touched me in such a traumatized way, haha. I think I was just being dramatic or maybe I was just a lot more hurt back then. Probably both.

Anyway, I never really admitted that that happened and that's why I'm saying I'm different.

My past self never would've shown any kind of "sexual" experience, not ever.

I don't know how I feel about my different self yet.

----

Updates:

Carter (formerly known as Blue Eyes) is annoying as shit. I want him for one fucking second to stop referring to sexual stuff, like, goddamn I just want to have a real conversatioN!!!

Thinking about bringing Adrian to Peer Leadership because in order to go on the field trip, I need to bring at least one male person so yeah.

John hasn't replied to my texts, so what the fuck is up with that? *shrugs*

Olivia is really nice and listens to Hozier and Alt-J which I love.

OH!!! Alexa told me that Polaris and this other girl both said I WAS REALLY, REALLY PRETTY AND THAT MADE MY ENTIRE DAY.

I guess today was okay but I feel sad so I don't know anymore.


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