Paprika

Where am I?
2014-12-15 04:48:43 (UTC)

Here I am

Today I was depressed. Not unlike days before, unfortunately. My depression fades as my glass of hard cider lowers and things go back to numb. Numb is good. I can act right when I'm numb. Smile, act positive and happy, and attempt to be the perfect individual - inspiring others to stay motivated and positive as well. This attitude has gotten me recognized at work but I fear I might have dug a hole and will have to maintain this for the rest of my existence in this company. It takes a lot out of me to be numb and stifle my loathing for life and people. Of course, I'm only talking about my persona at work. I feel terrible for my boyfriend when I come home and my energy is completely gone and I just CAN'T smile anymore. I CAN'T be passive and yet a person of unending positivity. I just can't...so he suffers. Sometimes the simplest thing makes me lash out at him. Such as his tendency to be a smidge sloppy. That conflicts terribly with my OCD and the fact I spend one full day out of my weekend scrubbing each floorboard, toilet, vacuuming every floor and dusting every surface as he spends his entire free time in his room playing his games with his friends. And then I become depressed. I'm alone. I jump through the hoops at work to keep my head above water, come home to relax and turn into someone he doesn't like and I'm left alone. My job is good but I decided to attempt to be the golden child and now it's biting me in the ass. I'd like to mention, Dear Reader, that J (my boyfriend) didn't like me before I got overwhelmed at work. So, his distain for me isn't because of work. It's truly how our personalities have combined and altered as the years have gone by. He and I have been through some trials in life. They were nothing for him and his extensive experience in having the shitty end of the stick handed to him but for sweet, simple me who has lived under a rock for the majority of my life...it was flat out traumatic. He doesn't understand that and that causes a distance between us...among other things. Alas, I have no friends to vent to about my imperfections without judgment so I come here. If you have chosen to read about my life I wish to welcome you and your opinions. I will leave my first entry at that as my cider glass is now empty and I must refill it.

Good night, Dear Reader.




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