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2014-12-11 16:26:31 (UTC)

Beautiful Smile, Maybe

"Call Me In The Afternoon" by Half Moon Run

December 11, 2014 Thursday 3:28 PM

You know who is so absolutely beautiful? That actress, Lupita Nyong'o. I used to wish I was black. I think dark skin is so pretty. I wouldn't mind being super pale either, though. I'm in the middle, though. White enough so people don't try to talk to me in spanish but not pale.

The other day, I watched American Beauty. I really love that movie. I did not expect it to go the way it did. It was really interesting and the plastic bag part was kind of weird but *shrug* I liked it.


[As usual, towards the end I get all deep and philosophical and I question the importance of my very existence but hey, that's pretty much every entry I ever write. Ever.]

December 12, 2014 Friday 8:58 PM

Depressed-hispanic-kid seriously needs some therapy. Like, normally I wouldn't care but I'm involved in a group text from Aaron and Laney and they're talking shit about him.

I don't know if it's ever okay to talk shit about anyone but he really fucked up. Like, he was whining all summer about how he was totally in love with this super smart/pretty girl named Myra and then they finally start dating again and a month later he is caught cuddling with some other girls. I guess after that they broke up.

He needs therapy. I'm not even kidding. Like, he would always post on his blog about being depressed and it seems like he's looking for this perfect relationship that he really can't have and, just, maybe he has to learn how to live real life and start treating girls like people.

Maybe I'm completely wrong. Who cares.

So I suppose today was a good day.

Over the weekend, I got hives and so I stopped taking my lamotrigine (AKA lamictol.. I was on 100 mg) and I am now only on lexapro.

GOOD NEWS: I'm not manic or anything like that so FUCK YOU psychiatrist lady. I told you to stop treating me for bipolar disorder! I told you to re-evaluate me! I'm FINE and that's because the only mood disorder I had was depression. Unless anxiety is a mood disorder. i dunno.

BAD NEWS: I've been more anxious and a little more depressed the past week because I think having to stop 100 mg of medication THAT fast wasn't good for my brain chemistry but hey, it's all good probably.

I've felt so shitty, though, that I haven't even felt like writing.

OH! Something nice happened today, though. In my last period class (art) a senior dude said hello to me and I smiled and said hi back and he said, "You have a really pretty smile," and that was actually very important and nice to say.

I'm so easy to compliment, though.

Oh! And Carter wasn't at lunch today which was kind of relieving because he's my friend and all, but he's wayyy to sex obsessed. No matter WHAT we're talking about, it eventually moves on to sex. He a nasty boy.

(I'm so obsessed with the song "Two Weeks" by FKA Twigs and I don't know why since I don't relate to it because my sexual experience is like zero)

But replacing Carter was Adrian and he's super fun to talk to, although I think he was pretty weirded out because Olivia, Sam, and I all ended up talking about farts and stuff so...

Adrian said some weird stuff, though, that I am still thinking about like;

he once walked into a blood covered bathroom with a snake corpse in the bathtub. Seriously, what is the story behind that?

yeah, haha. But he's funny and not stupid funny since he's actually intelligent. He has the eyes of a madman, though. That's not an insult or anything, I just mean they're full of a manic energy that you see in inspired geniuses and I doubt I've ever had that kind of bright light in my eyes.

I really want that light in my eyes.

I think I need that light, actually and I don't know how to get it. I envy those who have it. They're bursting with ideas and the ability to carry out their dreams and I fail at creating.

I consider myself an amateur artist but I can never take the image from my head (the way I want it to be) to paper.

I'm very stressed because I don't feel smart enough or good enough in any way. I don't care that I'm not beautiful, I just want to BE something, I want to have something in me that can't be stolen with hands.

And I know, I know, I am better than average at drawing and I am slightly (EMPHASIS ON SLIGHTLY. LIKE, TAKE ITALICS AND THEN ITALICIZE THE ITALICS SO THAT YOU UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I AM EMPHASIZING THE WORD "SLIGHTLY") above average intelligence but none of that seems to be enough for me.

I want to be completely different. I want to climb to the top and I can't help but feel that I'm slipping towards the bottom.






American Beauty
Super 8 (since I've loved that movie forever)
Anastasia (favorite disney movie ever)


"Out along the dim six-o'clock street, I saw leafless trees standing, striking the sidewalk there like wooden lightning, concrete split apart where they hit, all in a fenced-in ring."
-One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest (I love this book)


CAROLINE AND ETHAN ARE HOME AND I LOVE THEM. Caroline is my actual sister and Ethan feels like my brother. Everytime Laney explains who Ethan is to people at school if I mention him, she says, "basically her brother but not really" and I love that because it's so accurate.

I'd never tell him that, though, because he'd probably make fun of me. Over the summer, I got a text from a guy named Chris and Ethan STILL teases me about that. Also, he calls me Captain Queer for being a Roy G Biv Captain but I don't really care.

I missed them.