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Story of a Girl
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2014-12-05 23:03:16 (UTC)

Dear, xxx

I've known you for a pretty long time, I guess. I remember the first day you arrived at my house; you were shy as fuck. You spoke in a language I couldn't understand, but you eventually opened up to me... or, the other way around...

A few years later, we began to date. But then... it happened. You stopped playing your instruments, you stopped doing martial arts, & you stopped swimming. You stopped listening to music. You stopped studying Japanese. Your hugs became less frequent. Your skin got colder. You stopped laughing. You stopped smiling. You picked up drinking. You spent hours, locked in an empty room, just staring at the wall.

I was worried. Fern was worried. Your friends were worried about you, & you completely shut us out. Those voices, they began telling you things. You almost did "bad things."

"Bianca. I don't feel happy. I'm sorry I don't say I love you as much. I just.. I don't feel very happy. I'm happy with you, but it's weird. I'm weird. The voices tell me I'm hated because I'm weird. I need help. You won't understand but... Get me help."

We took you to the hospital, where they checked you out. You were depressed... but why? Was it something I said? You had everything you wanted, why were you depressed? They told me, "You'll understand when you're older."

It's been 3 years. I finally understand.

They knew you stopped taking your antipsychotic medication. You're clinically depressed. You suffered from anxiety. You suffer from schizophrenia. They prescribed you antidepressants & more antipsychotics. I didn't understand what any of that meant, but it's been 3 years. I finally know what that all meant.

When we got home, you told me, "I'm sorry I stopped taking my medication. It's... the voices. They took control." I told you it was okay & I loved you, & you told me you loved me too. You started taking your medication again... but you were drinking as well. I told you it wasn't a good idea to drink alcohol, but you always shrugged & did it anyway. I hated that you did it, but you always had a soothing way of reassuring me that you'd be okay. You stopped when you had bad attacks or breakdowns, but you'd always go back to drinking a few weeks later.

3 years later, July 2014. Elízabeth came to visit, to see what her host family would be like. You were staring at the wall. You spent 38 hours in that room... I came into the room & fell asleep in your arms. You just stared.. Little did I know that you had "lost touch with reality." My mom would bring us food, but I'd have to feed you because you wouldn't touch the food at all. You hardly took any bites. I was getting really worried. Finally, you stood up.

"The voices tell me ugly things, Bianca. They say horrible things. You want to hurt me."

"They want to make you feel bad, Elí. I love you very much, & I would never want to hurt you. Ever."

"You love me? Promise?"

"I swear to God that I do. I love you so, so much. More than you can imagine."

"O-okay, thanks. I love you too. I'm going to go take my medication, & take a nap. You should come with me." So I did, & we were in bed. You played with my hair & I closed my eyes.

"I'm worried about you, Leó."

"I'm okay. You've got nothing to worry about, babe." & then you put our hands together, & they interlocked.

"But still... Your breakdowns are more frequent.. Are you sure you're taking your medication?"

I remember you kissed my forehead after. "Mmm. Mhm, yeah." With that said, we fell asleep in each other's arms.

I had completely forgotten that you never took your medication that day.

That night, my parents went out to go pick up things from the store. Ellíe & I were in my bedroom, looking through a photo album. You must've thought you were alone, because you took the blade into your hand. You cut in the worst possible place. I heard something heavy drop, & I called after your name.

"Elías, was that you?"

"Stop trying to scare us! We know your tricks. I'm sorry for my brother, twins don't always think alike...Dipshit."

"Ellíe, no. I think something's wrong."

We ran out of the room after we didn't get a reply. I saw a huge puddle of blood, & you were passed out on the floor.

"Ellíe, go call the neighbors! Just get help, quick!"

Lucky for us, the hospital was only 10 minutes away, but it was nighttime, which meant no traffic, so it only took only 2 minutes. You were rushed inside, & we waited in the waiting room. It was almost 11, & we still didn't have an update. Elízabeth was pacing back & forth, talking to your mother through the phone. She was talking in Portuguese, but at the time I didn't understand what she was saying until now.

"Mum, the medication isn't working. It's too weak... I'm worried for him... Why does he do things like this?"

At midnight, a doctor finally let us in.

"Lucky for him. You brought him in just in time... If you had arrived later, he wouldn't have made it. He'll have to stay here until he can recover. A week at maximum."

My parents had arrived & brought me a blanket. I slept with you that night in the bed. I couldn't just leave you alone. The doctors didn't want me staying, but I think I was able to convince them to let me stay for the night.
By the time I woke up, you were already playing with my hair.

"Goooooooooood morning, sunshine. Bout time you woke up."

"El, I hate to bring this up, but why did you do.. that?"

"Do what?"

"Look at your wrist.."

Your face dropped. "Oh... I uh. The voices... said things. The people there wanted me dead. You wanted me dead. I figured I would just do myself a favor."

"People?"

"Yeah, there were people there. Didn't you see them? They wanted me dead. I'm not wanted.."

We never spoke of it for the next few months.

You went back to your medication & you were supposed to go to therapy sessions. You did pretty good, & you were smiling more often. You started laughing a real, genuine laugh & I was so happy. I missed your genuine laugh & smile. I missed seeing you genuinely happy. It's been so long...

But then you moved to Portugal for your studies. Timezones challenged us, & your work & studies made communication even more difficult than it already was. We handled it well for two-three months-- then the fighting started. Something from our past came back to bite us in the ass. It was something we both overlooked... but why now? Why are we fighting about this? It's so stupid, it's so childish... why are we holding onto this?

Sure, we would forgive each other for the ugly words we spoke, but we would always go back to arguing about this. You're the only guy I've ever cried for. You're the only one who felt guilty for hurting me..You always said, "I'm supposed to protect you & I'm sorry. I'm not supposed to hurt you & make you cry, & that's exactly what I'm doing... God, fuck. I can't fucking do this. I can't go on knowing that I hurt you."

You came down to visit for the holidays. We stopped fighting for a while-- but something, or someONE, started to come in between us. Fighting started again. It's December. We've been arguing for almost 2 weeks, & it's been getting worse every day... You stopped taking your medication again.

"I'm going to be okay. You need to trust me for once. I'll be okay, I don't need them."

"Elías no, you need them!"

"I said I'll be okay! If I do anything, you would be able to find someone else. Someone better."

"Jake... I could never replace you. Please just take your medication--"

"No. I'll be okay."

"I'm BEGGING you, please just--"

"I'm not taking any medications. This conversation is over. I'm sorry."

You had another bad breakdown; the second worst one since a few months back. You tried to do the same thing you did in July. Luckily, my parents were home & I was there with you to stop you.

"YOU HATE ME SO JUST STOP!"

"I don't hate you, Jake!"

"YOU HATE ME. JUST LET ME DO THIS--"

"THE VOICES ARE LYING ; I LOVE YOU!" By then I was already crying.

"NO! You hate me.. You said it yourself. GO AWAY & LET ME END IT. JUST GO."

"Please stop. I hate seeing you like this. Please just stop. I'm hurting, Elías."

So you dropped the blade.

"The voices say otherwise."

After your breakdown, I searched the entire house & threw away all the blades I could find hidden. You took me into the empty room again, & we sat down.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I hurt you & I'm so sorry." We kissed, hugged, & fell asleep together on the floor.

You never cut. You didn't like the idea of cutting, & you even told me, "People who cut are courageous enough to hurt themselves. But not me. I could never hurt myself intentionally. I'm clean." You've only cut once; on that night in July. You have the scar to prove it. But you've never cut, scratched, or anything with "intention". I'm proud of you for not doing that while you're, y'know, in that state. But it's like, you're a completely different person when you breakdown. It's like the voices take over-- you do things you'd never do "consciously."

That breakdown was just 4 days ago. I've been making sure you've been taking all your medications daily, & you have. You've been smiling more now that you're back on your medication.

It's Friday, December 5th, 2014. I think you already know, but your mom wants to you to visit a mental hospital to have some kind of evaluation take place. She was thinking of coming down to the US just to check up on you.

I want you go get better. You may suffer from depression, & schizophrenia the most, but I've never treated you differently. I've never thought differently of you. I only want what's best for you, & I want to help you control them. I understand that you're stressed with university & traveling, & the fighting isn't making anything easier for you. I want to help you in whatever way I can. I just want you to be happy.

You're sleeping, I think; you've got your earbuds in, but your eyes are closed. You're such a good guy, Leó. I'm glad to have a guy like you in my life. You changed me for the better, & I thank you. I love you, & hopefully we can overcome these few obstacles in our lives. I want to be able to spend more time with you in my life. It's almost been 4 years, we can do this!

Sleep well, Elías. I love you so much.


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