The Girl with Tar

Quitting For Real
2014-12-05 02:04:50 (UTC)

Day Forty Three

I've had three pieces of gum today I think, or two. Somewhere around there. I'm about to have another one. My body hurts.

I didn't get too much sleep last night. I had a bad dream that I don't remember. Daniel and I talked more today. We still haven't resolved anything. But I have hope and faith and knowledge that we will. I can't really talk about that here, though. Sorry to anyone who may be reading this; it's not really your business.

Anyway. My body hurts. I just took a bubble bath, but it still cries out for nicotine.

I am struggling to face the same ugly truths about myself that I have always known were there. I set along a path to change them a long time ago, but as I am not really all that smart I guess I just don't know how. Or maybe they're so set into me that I can't change them. Or maybe deep down I don't want to.

My stubbornness is the only reason I survived my last abuser without breaking and being his slave forever. No matter what he did, or how much he hurt me, I was stubborn. I clung fiercely to myself. He still won a lot of battles, but in the end I was the one who won. I stepped out of the flames alive. He did not.

It is this stubbornness that I think I cling to. It has saved me, really. I have been too stubborn to die. Too stubborn to be someone I am not.

It's this same stubbornness that is keeping me going in my quitting quest. I am quitting smoking. I will make it. No matter wht.

My cravings have not been too bad. They were yesterday, which is understandable. I was chewing gum as often as possible. Today... eh. They are manageable. I wish I did not have them, but if I didn't want that then I never should have started smoking. I had no idea that an addiction was actually this hard until I had to give it up. My anger towards my mother was a little bit less after I realized how hard it is just to quit smoking.. The effects I have are mostly psychological. If she did the wrong thing while quitting drugs, who knows? The physical withdrawal might have literally killed her.

Anyway, I'm off to chew gum and distract myself.

I've made it to day forty three! I'm incredibly proud of myself.

Fingers crossed.




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