2014-12-01 17:01:37 (UTC)

Starring God as An Excuse

"Little Motel" by Modest Mouse [god this song is beautiful]

We treat mishaps like sinking ships, and
I know that I don't want to be out to drift
Well, I can see it in your eyes, like I taste your lips, and
They both tell me that we're better than this

Cause that's what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for, aren't I?

December 1, 2014 Monday 4:02 PM

I guess I should start with last week. I didn't write because I was tired. I have been very tired lately. I'm not sure why. I wasn't sad at first. It's just my whole body was exhausted at all times and my muscles would ache whenever I woke up. Then, I started to get a little depressed.

I had that terrible feeling when you first open your eyes to sunlight. The one where you feel empty, like there is nothing for you to do and like nothing has ever existed and everything is ending. It's a strange feeling and ever stranger is its strength.

I am not feeding it, at least not on purpose, and so I wonder how it grew inside me. I am very, very tired.

I also wonder about these darker periods I have. Everyone has them, right? Everybody gets random attacks of sadness for pretty much no reason?

I look back and my moods are a bit turbulent. It seems that most of the time, I am struggling internally for some reason. Whatever happiness I have is fragile and fleeting but it's beautiful and everything is okay.

Anxiety fluctuates, levels of sadness go up and down, but that's fine. It's all fine. It's nothing I can't handle.

Inside me, things are cold and I am afraid to touch you. Now is when my doors are closed. Now is the difficult times. When I feel like this, it is significantly harder to understand me or get to know me.

I wonder if in the future, anyone will be able to love me if I am so private and sensitive. Truly love me, I mean. Maybe, maybe not. I guess it doesn't matter either way, right? I'm not trying to be self pitying or anything. I wouldn't feel too terrible if I couldn't be loved like that. I can be loved in other ways.

I went to my psychiatrist last Wednesday and she added Lexapro to my medications. WHY? God. She annoys me. She is so religious and she thinks the thoughts I have are anxious.

Yes, I worry about the environment and yes, I worry that temperatures change too quickly (last week, Monday and Tuesday were around fifty degrees and then it snowed like two feet on Wednesday and Thursday) but how is this bad?

I just want to be off these meds. My anxiety is pretty low. I am not fine but in a way, I am because I know that I can make it through this feeling.

Psychiatrist Lady, though, she never worries about anything. She leaves it all up to god. I can't stand when people use god as an excuse. Oh the environment is being killed? By us? God's will. We're all going to die anyway. Oh, all these people in Ferguson rioting? God must've wanted it to be this way.

This is why I have always been iffy when it comes to religion. People use it as an excuse to do nothing or as an excuse to persecute. Not everyone, but a lot of folks do that. I just prefer not releasing my responsibilities. I prefer to think of everything as cause and effect. I like things to be without reason other than the actual cause (example: a car accident caused by a faulty part, not because god wanted to teach someone a lesson or something).

People. You can believe in God but there are people down here, on Earth. Please, help ease suffering and for god's sake, be careful when it comes to the goddamn environment.

On Thanksgiving, me and my mom spent like five hours cooking (SO MUCH BUTTER OH MY GOD) and my dad came home from California at like six. We ate and it was kind of lonely. I was tired and irritable.

It could've been better but that's alright. I just wish I had been around more family.

Friday, I spent all day on the computer avoiding my own sad thoughts and later, I went shopping. I went over to Laney's house on Saturday and we had a lot of fun making Lily's birthday present (she turns sixteen tomorrow).

IT TURNED OUT REALLY GOOD. Sunday was nothing but a soft blur. Today was... fine.

I only got kind of pissed off when people were taking up the entire FUCKING hallway. I am pissed off at the human race, lately. I honestly need all 7.5 billion of us to shut the fuck up for a moment and just... think things through.

Jamie was annoying me. Maybe she is actually depressed but I see right through her. She acts all ashamed of her cuts but it is not too hard to get her to show them to you. She is very self-centered. Everyone will ask if she's okay (she makes it pretty damn obvious when she's not) and she never returns the favor.

Jamie shows off depression like a prize. Like it makes her mysterious or complex. Fuck you. I know what you're doing. I know people like you too well. I was like you for awhile. Not to the same extent, but still. Fuck you.

And she wonders out loud why we're not close. She doesn't even KNOW me. She's perfectly willing to tell me that she spent the weekend in a psychiatric hospital. If she actually tried getting to know me, she would know I spent a month in one of those and it was a nightmare.

If she tried getting to know me, she'd know I used to cut myself and everything. But no. Everything is about her. Everything is drama. Sometimes, I find it hard not to hate her.

I like Carrie, though. I was in the hospital with her. I can't figure out why people bully her so much. She's sweet and intelligent and sassy.

Do you see? I love people but the evil things we are capable of, even at a young age, are horrifying.