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"Black Cadillacs" by Modest Mouse [this song is perfect for this entry]
And it's true we named our children
After towns that we've never been to.
And it's true that the clouds just hung around
Like black Cadillacs outside a funeral.
And we were done, done, done
With all the fuck, fuck, fuckin' around.
You were so true to yourself.
You were true to no one else.
Well I should put you in the ground.
I didn't die and I ain't complainin'.
I ain't blamin' you.
I didn't know that the words you said to me
Meant more to me than they ever could you?
I didn't lie and I ain't sayin'
I told the whole truth.
I didn't know that this game we were playin'
Even had a set of rules.
November 25, 2014 Tuesday 10:18 PM
Okay, I am changing Blue Eyes's name to... Carter, I guess. The name annoys me more and fucking more. It's a fine name for someone you don't know but now he's my friend and it's kind of weird. It feels romantic or some shit which is weird seeing as how he's a real person whom I do not have a crush on.
(Depressed-hispanic-kid's name is good because I don't know him. Actually, he's probably not depressed anymore but whatever, too late. I WENT BACK INTO MY ENTRIES AND DISCOVERED I USED TO CALL HIM JASON??? That's literally my least favorite name. Sorry, Jasons of the world.)
Carter is going to annoy to fuck out of me, soon. Like, right now, he bothers me in that kind of friendly way. It used to be that way with Laney, too, but now she is one of my best friends (Lily ranks a bit higher due to history and compatibility) and I can be irritated towards her.
What's going to bother me is his goddamn stubborn-ness.
Like, we've been friends (is it even friends if you haven't hung out outside of school??? what is the criteria? I don't even know) for maybe a month and I just realized that, by sheer will, he has gotten me to do things.
Okay, I'm not that hard to sway when you first become friends with me but then I fight back.
He forced me to socialize with him, first of all, and then he forces me into eye contact (ughhh) all the time, and he forced me to get him a salad two days in a row. Don't worry, lunc is free because our town is below the poverty line, yayyy.
Oh, and surprise surprise, the conversation somehow shifted into sex again. IT'S HIS FAULT. I don't shift conversation towards sex, it's his fault, him and his boy nastiness.
Speaking of annoying friends, today was Aaron's last day at school.
GOD, WHY DO PEOPLE LET ME DOWN? I'm sure I'm disappointing, too, but god... Aaron is just...
She must have her reasons. Okay, so she moved awhile ago but she didn't know when she was going to switch schools.
Apparently today was her last day. I REALLY NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT THIS. This diary site is just not doing it for me anymore.
It's my crutch. I have a hard time talking to people, so I write to everyone.
Look, the reason I'm upset is because she didn't tell me. Aaron didn't tell me that she was moving and then she didn't even tell me today was her last day.
Aaron was the second friend I've made by myself. I had playmates before that, but I mean, Aaron was the second person I bonded with and chose to play with.
Lily was the first. I met Aaron in second grade. I have been friends with Aaron longer than Lily and Laney have been friends with her.
I'm just!!! We had already grown apart and stuff but I still miss her and I have for awhile. I just let it go.
The thing is, my sister got into emotional trouble because she cared too much and spent a lot of time caring for other people.
I understand why she did that and so I tell myself that it's not my job to fix Aaron. It's not my job to force myself into a friendship in order to make her feel better. It's not my job to lessen her bitterness. It's not my job to do any of this. Do I owe her anything?
I tell myself this but it still feels like it IS my job. I'm guilty and I can't stop defending her to Lily and Laney.
They say it's her fault we're not friends anymore but I deeply disagree.
I don't think Aaron would push us away on purpose and if she did, she must've been feeling pretty crappy to do that.
I don't know! I'm confused and angry.
It shouldn't be my job to defend Aaron and translate her actions into words we never got to hear.
I feel hypocritical, though, because I don't say anything when I'm hurt either. I ALSO TRY NOT TO PUSH PEOPLE AWAY THOUGH.
God. I'm confused because I don't know what's ethical:
Letting us naturally grow apart even if it hurts or work harder than it should be to preserve a dying friendship.
I'm angry because she doesn't even tell us what she wants.
Angry because she's leaving and there is no way we can try staying friends now. Angry because we were friends for years and I don't understand her.
Angry because she is not the first to fade away and I hate when that happens.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. I don't want Aaron to feel bad. She shouldn't feel bad. I just hate the bitter outlook she has on the world and I hate how critical she is.
That is the main thing that pushes me away from other people; anger. If you're an angry person, if you spread that anger and try to relate to me by sharing how pissed off you are with the world, I tend to like you less.
Sam annoys the hell out of me and that's because she hates the world.
It's fine if something annoys you sometimes. If you're irritated and you tell me why. That's fine. Lily and Laney do that all the time but they also don't constantly bash on other people. They are aware some humans are unfortunately ignorant while others are wonderful.
Aaron is not as bad as Sam is. I understand that being positive is not easy. Oh, I understand. I don't get how you can put all your hate onto other people, though. For me, it was always reflected back onto myself. I'm not saying that's better but... I would choose that over how Aaron sees things.
It's not Aaron's fault. I should just give myself a break.
I don't need to defend her. She is tough, she can do that herself. I miss her. I miss when it was easier being friends. Yes, I know that sometimes relationships get tough. In every friendship, I've had to work harder at some point to remain friends with someone but with Aaron, it seems outrageous.
1. I never see her in school.
2. We don't have much in common.
3. Whenever I try to text her or talk to her, I usually only get one word replies and so I end up asking myself why I even tried.
- - - - - - - -
I'M STILL PRETTY ANXIOUS AND I NEED LOTS OF HUGS AND MAYBE SOME KISSES.
I went on a friend date today, haha. It was with Lily and Laney. We went downtown to a tea shop and ordered sandwiches and tea (obviously). IT WAS SO CUTE. My town is adorable. There are shops everywhere downtown, so we wandered through a local grocery and a colorful clothing store with super soft sweaters.
There are white christmas lights strung through all the trees (downtown looks like a three story New York City, if you go down the streets with apartments).
IT WAS CUTE. The waiters were nice and everything. We had such great conversations.
We went back to Lily's and played Scrabble (I won) while Criminal Minds was on in the background. THEN WE PLAYED LIFE AND I WON AGAIN. I'M GREAT AT BOARD GAMES. I mean, Life is kind of a luck game but still.
EVERYTHING WAS NICE. I LOVE THEM. We decided to go on more friend dates. They're so nice.
I'm tired. I had more to say but ehh, it seems like so much work. I think I'm feeling better. I'm really annoying. Yeah. Okay.
ENDING MOOD (since I think it's hard to tell): sad as hell!!!! For a thousand reasons!!! yay!!! so sad!!!! so fucking sad!!!!
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