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I Need Help
[insert a song by Dance Gavin Dance since that is who I am listening to today]
I feel like shit!
I hate that I feel like crying in front of other people but when I finally get some alone time, barely any tears come out. I just want to discharge and feel better but nooo, my tears stay inside and so do the terrible feelings.
I feel so shitty and I really, really need someone to talk to. I hate doing this alone. I hate doing it with other people. I hate it.
I can't tell people things without feeling like a disgusting idiot and I can't keep it inside because I die.
Ughhhh, I hurt so bad, physically and mentally. But I just don't TRUST people!!! Like, i just went to Peer Leadership (which is why I feel so bad. I got all "restimulated") and all I could talk about was that I felt bad but I didn't like discussing negative feelings.
FUCK. FUCKKKK. WHY AM I SO BAD AT EMOTIONS.
I just don't trust you.
And it's not that you're not worthy of it, it's just I am scared as hell, I'm petrified, and I don't want to think ever again. I want to sleep forever. Not die. Just... sleep. Be lost in the state of oblivion that is dreams.
And God! That girl, Alicia, in Peer Leadership.
SHE IS THE WORST. I am not a hateful person. I don't usually feel so pissed off at people. I like her but she just doesn't listen.
What's worse is she never stops talking about herself.
I want to choke her the fuck out. I want her to shut up during meetings. Like, goddamn. Not everything Brock says needs a reply. THERE IS SUCH A THING AS RHETORICAL QUESTIONS, OKAY?
Brock is speaking generally and just, dear fucking god, shut the hell up.
Okay, okay. So even though you do this during meetings and slow the entire thing down, that is not what annoys me.
What annoys me is that during sessions I have with you, you go, "OH ME TOO, AND YOU KNOW WHAT, BLAH BLAH BLAH ME BLAH"
YOU HAVE BEEN TOLD LITERALLY FIVE TIMES THAT SESSIONS ARE NOT CONVERSATIONS.
And you've also been told not to do exactly what you did. Like, i get that you're trying to relate to me but you're taking the spotlight off me and putting it on yourself.
I know that sounds selfish but the reality is that we each get an equal amount of time to talk about things and she intrudes on my time.
AND YOU KNOW, THAT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER, I'M JUST PISSED OFF AND UPSET AND I NEED TO CRY FOREVER AND EVER.
And I really need to talk to someone but I don't trust anyone so... I don't know what to do. Of course, I only feel worse because I dug myself into this hole so yay.
PLEASE SHOOT ME. No, don't. Just.... get rid of everything in me, ugh.
Sometimes I wonder if being me is really worth it. Like, maybe it'd be better if I were someone else. I fight pretty hard with myself most of the time and it's at the point where I forget what I'm fighting for.
I'm probably just being super dramatic and by tomorrow, I'll have forgotten why I was so pissed. That makes me sad because I need to work through these issues.
I NEED HELP, THOUGH, GODDAMN.