Experienced Life
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2014-11-19 20:39:17 (UTC)

Finding that ever elusive inner peace

Pretty stressful week at work. I'm not playing darts this season and my freaking social group is becoming babylon. I'm learning this new Network application called VMware. A couple days ago, my boss tells me to learn only the part that our network group needs to learn. I told him that's not how I'm built. He says anything more that I learn is on my dime. Never mind that it enhances my skills and makes everyone's work a little easier especially since I'm a very good trainer. But no, he doesn't get it. Just because you're a State worker doesn't mean you have to act like a State worker. Freaking boss. I'm so close to pulling the race card on him but this won't make me a better man so I just let it go.

Then my single parent's group is becoming a fucking slut-fest. I have a very good friend. She's female and cute but we've been friend for years now. Her name is Heidi. Early on, we agreed to be friends because she admitted herself that she seems to not last with her boyfriends. She was right. We are closer as brother-sister type friends and we tell each other everything. Even to the point of how some of her guys only lasts two minutes and we both laugh about it.

Well, she had this thing about an exboyfriend in the group. She is good friends with him still but she doesn't want any other females in the group to date him. I don't know why. I even told her that she can't reserve ex-boyfriends. She said I wasn't backing her up so I bent my beliefs and backed her up. By backing her up, I mean things like giving other females crap for dating my good friend's ex.

Fast forward 6 months. One of the ladies in our group that's been coming for years now broke up with her boyfriend. I found out the my friend Heidi is now dating him. She didn't even tell me. I had to hear it from someone else. She says she knew I would be upset at her and that I would call her a hypocrite. Well, she is. I told her I don't agree with what she is doing. I thought hard and long but I finally decided to still be her friend anyway.
I still don't agree with it but oh well.

Then, with the same group, I was starting to click with this woman. We are so much alike in our thoughts, jokes, need to buy stupid shit that we call "need to have". She's fun and great to hang and talk to. Low and fucking behold, she of course starts dating this other guy in the group. Same guy that dated someone else in the group. We've become a pathetic bunch of people. I just shake my head at what we've become. If there is an outbreak in sexually transmitted diseases, I wouldn't be surprised. I think it's time to take a break from this group.

I didn't sign up for dart league this season. How I miss darts and my dart friends. No more getting tipsy and being a funny drunk. No more excitement of playing and winning darts. I miss it. I just thought I'd take a break for a season. I'd spend a couple hundred a month playing dart league and so I thought I'd try to save some money this season. Not sure if saving money is worth it.

But then....... I surprising can find my happy place. Don't know how I did it nor do I have a script for others to follow. I just got it finally.

Surprisingly, I haven't been getting any grief or mind games from my ex. :) I already have a trifecta of shit happening right now. Don't need that to be on my ass too. I do find that being alone can be very peaceful. I seem to have found my happy place at times. The peace and quiet is oh so good to have. A quiet night. Sipping coffee or just staring out my backyard while the birds come to feed. Long hot showers not having to hurry because I have no appointments or need to be anywhere. Staying up late watching TV or just reading a good book. I don't have a fire going but I do have a heat dish from Costco. Does that count?

My family room is just occupied by two small coffee tables and a long skinny glass with two small pillars to support it.. One table has a diffuser on it to make the room smell nice. The other is where I plug into my stereo. The music sounds good in there. There is a large window view to the backyard. I'm guessing it 6 ft high and 10 ft wide with a window sill perfect for sitting or putting your drinks down. White curtains that you can see thru so it's not blocking the outside but good enough for privacy. I'm not a girly-man. Smack dab in the middle is my pool table. Nice table I bought from this rich couple that was moving. Nice triple pool lights overhanging make the room look great. Hardwood floors just puts the finishing touch. Some days I have my music playing, shooting pool, sipping wine and just staring at the backyard scenery....... In my underwear. lol

The peace of being alone sometimes is so good, before I know it, the weekend is over and it's back to work. On weeknights, I read a book on the sofa or watch TV. All without having to go out of the house. Then with all the money I save from not eating out or going out partying, I feel rewarded and have a few benjies to spend. So of course, I buy shit that I probably do not need. My "need to have" stuff. lol

While I still have to deal with not having the kiddos here with me here, I can now find myself smiling (and I'm sober at the time too). I place my hand on my chest and can feel the relaxed beat of my heart. Sure, it'd be cool to be able to chat with someone but it's also good that I don't have to chat with someone too :) . Not having someone to have sex with also sucks but even my horny-toad needs seem to have subsided a bit. I guess if you keep your mind occupied with things to do, you don't think of it as much. Or maybe it's just a single fact of my growing to be an old fart :) Well, not gonna worry about it.

Long post today. Sorry diary

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