LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2014-11-16 13:44:54 (UTC)

Clean

"Houses" by Natalie Evans [imjust_here07 SUGGESTED THIS TO ME AND, UGH, WE NEED TO LIVE CLOSER TO EACH OTHER BECAUSE SHE LIKES MUSIC AND BEAUTIFUL THINGS WITH ME.]

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"Stay Awake" by Lydia [I RE-DISCOVERED THIS SONG. IT USED TO BE MY FAVORITE.]

So cover up for the rain
You see in way too much safety
Because I don't stand a chance
Any longer than you do my friend


November 16, 2014 Sunday 12:50 PM


The house is somewhat dark with curtains drawn but it might as well be flooded with sunlight.

It is a beautiful Sunday but I think it has little to do with the actual weather, seeing as how I have not been outside yet today.

Also, I forgot that my hands and feet are perpetually cold in the winter. It doesn't feel great, but hey. That doesn't matter.

Today is beautiful because it's clean. I don't know how it got this way.

There are just some days where everything that has ever happened is gone. Any problems outside of this bubble of a town have disappeared and I don't want to think about murderers or angry women shouting "PATRIARCHY" when a man holds a door for a woman.

Seriously, though, I could talk a lot about my questioning of western feminism. Everything is fucking weird and confusing. That is not the point, though. I am not thinking about the outside world today.

I am not thinking about anything, really, except for sunny days and puzzles and books. Okay, I sound like I'm my dad's age but oh well.

You know what? I've kinda been told since a young age that my generation is destined for failure. How am I supposed to cultivate hope with this kind of thinking?

I don't know, it makes me mad. Yes, go ahead, worry about all the electronics and stuff but honestly, I can see why kids want to escape. The world is horrifying and ugly and mysterious. I mean, it's also beautiful, but it's easy to see all the rude humans and all the suffering everywhere. Maybe easier than it is to notice when trees look especially nice.

So yeah, I get why adults are worried. I do.

But we have a bunch of problems creeping up on us and increasing awareness and childhood is getting shorter, education longer, and everything costs so much.

I may or may not be spouting stuff whilst being incredibly uneducated on the subject but, hey, these are temporary opinions. They change with time.

But listen. There is global warming and overpopulation and tons of things happening, and it's hard not to feel like you're shouting in a soundproof room. Oh, that sounded dumb. I'm going to stop using similes, haha.

Seriously, though, no one is listening to each other and everything is difficult. Perspectives are skewed and who is right? Who is right? It all depends, doesn't it? And whenever something good happens, it's only good because that is how WE see it, right?

AH FUCK, do you see???? Pretty much EVERYTHING is based on perspective and goddamnit, I really that there was a single truth.

A single truth that made everything else make sense and the world could be fresh again. Clean and alive and without murder.

Maybe a place where people stop being offended so easily and a place where assholes learn how to keep their mouths shut, sometimes.

Sorry for my rant. I seem to always be suffering from an existential crisis. God, this is going to get so much worse when I finally have to decide what to do with the rest of my life. LIFE IS SO SHORT AND OUR BRAINS ARE SO SMALL.

I NEED MORE ROOM TO DO NOTHING.

But .... anyway.... things are clean. Not really, actually. There is a book on our baby grand piano and also some binders piled on top of it. The baby grand was relatively cheap. We bough it from Stephanie's grandmother. It needs about $4000 dollars worth of repair. I've played it quite a lot over the years. Not lately.

Our dining room table has a plant on it. Origami paper, a basket full of art supplies. some salt, a graphing calculator, John Dies At The End, wine red nail polish, folded newspapers, Dr. Scholl's inserts, scattered pens, and piles of papers that are meaningless to me.

Also, a book called House of Leaves, which I have yet to read.

There is an old violin under the piano along with a completely disorganized pile of papers (we have a lot of those).

We also have another weird electric piano thing in the corner that we really want to sell. On top of it is a viola and next to it, yet ANOTHER viola, this one a tenor.

Yes, we have lots of music items. My dad is wonderful that way.

I like my house a lot but I worry that the people I love will think it smells weird or is kinda gross or maybe it belongs to hoarders (which, okay, it kind of does).

UGH MY FEET FEEL COLD AND SWEATY. THIS IS SO UNCOMFORTABLE. FUCK YOU, LATE FALL WEATHER.

I should go do homework. Lately, I have been telling myself that passing without trying is not good enough. I pass classes with flying colors, usually, but I am never really challenged, I'm just lazy, haha.

Some kids at my school who went to private schools (WHY DID THEY TRANSFER??? WHY WOULD YOU TRANSFER TO A TERRIBLE, POVERTY STRICKEN PUBLIC HIGH SCHOOL???? WHY? WHY THE FUCK?) were talking about how easy my school was.

They made me feel so dumb. They are a year younger than me and in MY honors classes. Like, fuck you, man (oops, I mean, good for you). You got more opportunities than I did. I could be so much smarter if I got a better education and now I'm worried that college will stab me in the FACE with a heavy workload. I am not used to a heavy workload.

My school is very easy on the homework. Usually, I get it done before even leaving the school, haha.

I want to do great. I want to apply to a private school but, like, my whole life is in my current high school. I am not good being thrown alone into a completely new environment. I would die. Also, I would lose all of my lifelong friends (that would be... hm... two people?) because I'm terrible at maintaining friendships unless I see them constantly.

Everything is scary and I am questioning things. Well, I have always questioned everything. I cannot remember a time in which I did not wonder where things came from.

I still don't know who figured out all this complicated math shit. Like, what is the story behind that? What made you figure out that calculus is necessary?

Sometimes, I get mad when people say half the stuff you learn in school is unnecessary. That may be true, but hey, you get to be smart. You get to know shit. Unfortunately, they teach it in such a way that you only remember how to do stuff until you pass the big ass end-of-the-year tests and then you're good for the rest of your life.

God, there is so much I don't know and I often feel like I am a person of average intelligence masquerading as someone who is more than that. I'm not. I still struggle with simple concepts, sometimes. I am not that smart. I think I'm just... aware.

PS:

Those private school kids annoyed the shit out of me. I hate when people talk like they know everything there is to know. They're actually very smart but I wish they were more modest. Like, goddamn, you still have a lot to learn, man. Be careful.

I am now worrying that I talk like I know everything. I assure you, I know nothing.


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