LustingforNightmares

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2014-11-13 16:43:16 (UTC)

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"Sheets" by Damien Jurado [I've done this song before but HEY, GET READY FOR A WEEK OF REPLAYS WHERE I PICK OUT MY FAVORITE LYRICS YAYY.]

Swallow him whole
Like a pill that makes you choke
And stills your soul


November 13, 2014 Thursday 3:43 PM


Whenever I feel the way I do, strange images come to mind.

The trigger of a gun being pulled and my head exploding into colorful confetti.

A pitcher of water being poured onto my head and my whole self dissolving, floating away like I was made of sand.

My head turning inside out and falling into my stomach like Rasputin's did in the movie Anastasia.

Melting into a puddle of water and flowing away, like the kid from Sky High.

Hugging myself until I implode into nothing.

Cheery thoughts, eh? They are images that come to me as I'm walking down the street, closing my eyes and hoping the thoughts will stop. It's budding paranoia and growing anxiety, rising inside me.

Today was not great. I avoid saying it was "bad" because a bad day for me at school is worse than today was, but it was definitely not super wonderful.

I'm tired and hungry and I have a headache.

Oh! I was talking to Blue Eyes and we got to talking about clones or something and he said, "I might end up kissing myself," and I don't really clearly remember the rest of the conversation BUT. BUT.

I have thought about this before and I probably WOULD kiss my clone self. Not in an act of self love (I am severely lacking self love, haha) but just because my lips are really soft and fun to bite and actually, it would be SUPER WEIRD and kind of really gross to kiss myself....

I'd still do it, haha. I wanna know how my lips feel being touched from.. the outside or something. I don't know.

Why was I just thinking about how a claymation artist would make confetti fall on a character?

I'm tired. I'm very tired and I feel like shriveling up into nothing.

The day is dreary.

I'm cold.

You know, I eventually grow numb and I stop talking about the people I miss. Yeah, I do that. I still think of them but it's a different kind of thought. It's like they stop feeling real to me. They're these perfect memories and as time goes by, I warp their personalities and I no longer remember them so well. It really sucks.

I wonder why I'm so haunted by these people? They probably don't think about me a lot. That possibility hurts but I mean...

What do I mean? What? Are you confused? Me too.

MEMORY OF THE DAY:

Once, when I was little, I pronounced a spanish name in a spanish accent and some kids made fun of me and since then, I've hated speaking spanish in public. When I do speak it, I always make sure to make the words sound like they're coming from an american who is just learning.

I technically am an american but I am somewhat familiar with the language since I grew up half speaking it but I don't have the same accent. I copied the sounds my mom and dad made when they spoke so I sound a lot less gringo. You can probably still tell I grew up in the US but not as much.


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