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2014-11-12 16:48:26 (UTC)


"Trouble" by Coldplay

November 12, 2014 Wednesday 3:49 PM

I don't know how I feel anymore.

Like, I don't want to get up early, I don't want to go to class, and I feel physically awful but I desperately want to learn, read, and socialize.

I hate trying to fall asleep, sometimes. I listen to Welcome To Night Vale to keep me from thinking bad things but I ran out of episodes a long time ago and I've listened to pretty much all of them more than once.

So today was slightly out of the ordinary.

Lily has been listening to Welcome To Night Vale (!!!!!) and she said there were a couple weathers she really liked and GUESS WHAT! THEY ARE TWO OF MY FAVORITE WEATHERS!!!

"Despite What You've Been Told" by Two Gallants ("god forgive my tasteless tongue" ahh i love that lyric)


"This Too Shall Pass" by Danny Schmidt ("don't ask god, just ask the sky, she'll tell it to you plainly in the clouds that whisper by" ISN'T THAT BEAUTIFUL)

Oh, and later in the day, a special ed kid got really close to me in the hallway and said hi and I was kinda freaked out and I felt bad afterwards because I worried that I had a mean look on my face. When I'm surprised, I tend to look at other people like they're insane. Or I just look confused. I always look confused or sad, though.

I said hi to him later in the day, though. I may or may not have had the same look on my face. I don't know, it happened too fast for me to control my facial expression.

I talked with Blue Eyes (I need to change that name, don't I?) again but I function best when someone either rants at me or asks me lots of questions. Unfortunately, I can't return the favor because I am AWFUL at questions.

Oh, and he was staring at me again and he said he does it because he KNOWS it makes me uncomfortable. WELL, WOW, THANKS. It's okay, though, because he said I was smart.

After he finished his food, he left for the library which he does pretty much every day and I sat for awhile with Sam. Then, a girl came up to me and THIS IS WEIRD. THIS IS VERY, VERY WEIRD.

She said, "Do you like [insert Blue Eyes' name here]?"

Okay. First of all, that is such a childish thing to say which is probably why it pissed me off so much. God, it reminds me of elementary school when little kids run around saying shit like, "LIZZY LIKES JOE. SHE LIKE-LIKES JOE!!!"

Okay, self. Calm down. I think she's a freshman and she could've at least said"Do you have a crush on so and so?" or some shit. I'm not one to get mad over the wording in a sentence, though.

I guess I thought... well never mind for now, I'll get to it.

Anyway, I replied, "No." and kind of gave her a super weirded out/bitchy look. It's the truth. I don't know him well enough. God, people are dumb sometimes. I've probably only had like ten conversations with him or something. The main reason I don't have a crush on him, though, is because he doesn't know ME.

Really, you oughta be fully informed before having to deal with my shit. I do wanna be his friend, though. That would be very nice.

So she said, "Oh, no, I'm not trying to be mean or anything, it's just my friend has a crush on him, so.." And I guess that was it and she walked away. Alright.

It pissed me off, which wasn't great for my already burning stomach.

And yeah, the rest of the day was relatively normal EXCEPT: Lily said that Jamie told her(oh what have I become?) she'd look good with Tray, Aaron's boyfriend. That was lovely.

Lily just didn't understand why people kept agreeing, haha.

Oh, man, I talk too much about other people.


I had another nightmare which woke me up. I was running away from a murder along with a boy and the murderer was J. What the fuck?

It was so hard to run and I was so tired. Eventually, I felt so exhausted and depressed that I stopped. I just sat down and started crying. J caught up with that "I'ma kill you" look in his eyes and I started wailing.

I was all, "Why are you doing this? Why?"

And then he got all sad and guilty and started saying, "I don't know. I don't know," over and over again with his hands on his head and a terrible look in his eyes like he couldn't believe what he was about to do.

The faceless boy whom I was running with was holding onto me and shouting at J and it was just weird.

I was scared and crying and I think that woke me up. I may have been whimpering again.

My nightmares are getting more vivid.


John asked if I figured out what we could do this weekend and I was hoping he'd forget about our plans. There is NOTHING to do here and I'm worried about him meeting my friends and I'm self-conscious and awkward and ahhh.

imjust_here07 was really nice to me yesterday, though. She said she was jealous of me which is funny since I'm jealous of her, haha. I wish I knew her in real life.


Lately, my life has been people. When I'm not with people, I'm avoiding thoughts. I'm doing homework, watching Netflix, or playing Minecraft. I'm really sorry about that. I want to think more, I do, but that is just a very dangerous area for me right now.

I don't feel fragile but I do feel like I'm at the edge of a cliff and I can't risk pushing myself off balance.

So I avoid thinking. I do anything but think. I can't sit still.

There is something a little sad about this kind of existence but I try to avoid thinking about that, too.