Vanilla

Feedback Needed...Honesty.

Does anyone actually read my diary? if you are then do leave me feedback..i guess these are thoughts and feelings i cannot share with anyone but strangers who do not know me. I am sorry if i have not responded to you...i try not to because if i get to know you then I may start feeling judged and not be honest here...I want to thank you for all the kind words, it means so so much to me, I have read them over and over again when I have been down.

I welcome any kind of feedback positive or negative because i do want to change...I do want to know if my reality changes how people in my everyday life would see me if i were to open up.

I know that even in this diary it is only recently that i have started opening up a little about the abuse and my past. Mainly because i didn't see it as abuse..i was lying to myself. i have poured out a lot of my thoughts and feelings that even my friends and "family" do not know. I have decided to dwell further into myself and everything i have locked up for years...I know there are things that i have blocked away so much that i don't even know if it is real..but it is time that i face this..i do not want to make the same mistakes that my parents did and i cannot keep suffering anymore.

I haven't been very honest incase people stumble upon this and find out who i really am..i am paranoid. so here goes the basics....its not a lot of info...but I'm trying to be honest to myself...and to the one place i can be...my diary.

I am a 24 years old women/..girl.
I live in London and have done all my life
I live with my mother who claims benefits
I have had a horrific childhood
I lost my virginity where it was non consensual.
I come from poverty..London type poverty...there have been times where we haven't had enough money for food because my father would spend it on alcohol
My father was extremely violent and abusive who also enjoyed the sport of torture
My father was an alcoholic
My father MAY have had Paranoid Scitzophrenia- i found out recently
My mother suffered from extreme depression and attempted suicide
My family abused me as a child, mostly violence and torture
I have a University degree where i lived out for 4 years
My father passed away when i was 15...he wasn't a very good man...i have extreme hatred for him...but also this undying love..i still do love him and there were times where he was good to me...where he did care before he became worse.
I have a decent job..but i am continuously in and out of employment
I have long jet black hair, black eyes...literally black, light brown, whitish skin,
I do not have any kids
I have had violent and abusive boyfriends

To the world i appear: social, fun, bubbly, eccentric, carefree and charismatic
I am actually really very lonely, have ptsd, suffered from depression, used to cut my self, attempted suicide, suffer attachment issues, have extreme trust issues, suffered from anxiety and problems committing to anything and often my childhood resurfaces and i lose the will to want to live and i can be extremely obsessive and psychotic at times.
I also have phases of extreme determination and motivation...my moods are very high and low.

I think that is enough honesty for now.

I will dwell deeper into my life in my next entry..