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November 11, 2014 Tuesday 12:29 AM
"As if you were on fire from within.
The moon lives in the lining of your skin."
This is my absolute favorite quote. It reminds me of myself and I really like thinking about myself, haha. That was a joke but now I feel really self-absorbed, yay.
I just killed a pair of tiny moths that were procreating on my computer screen.
I am really, really sad and it gets worse with every second and I don't know where it came from but maybe I've been avoiding it this whole time.
There are a few people whom I don't want to know. And it's not that I don't like them, it's that I just... don't want to know them. They are my peripheral people. I know someone who knows them. I hear about them a lot. Maybe they hear about me. Like, for example, depressed-hispanic-kid. I don't want to know him and I don't want to be his friend. I can't figure out why or maybe I don't want to know. I just know that with some peripheral people, I want them to stay far away from me. I want them in their designated spaces so I never, ever, ever have to... and see, this sentence will never end because I'm not sure how to finish it. I never have to... what?? I don't know. Does this make sense?
I'm really sad. I'm not anxious which is strange because usually the two go hand in hand but I am really, really sad.
I'm also cold.
I kinda laugh whenever I get sad because it feels stupid and anything with negative (and even some positive) emotions reminds me of middle school which was awful.
Awful because I made it that way for myself. Maybe I should stop blaming thirteen year old me for doing such sucky things.
Maybe it was partly my fault but I was confused and sad and I was anxious without even knowing what anxiety really was. All I could think was, "what's wrong with me? Why do I get hurt so easily?" and so... suddenly, I am wondering... why do I blame myself for that?
Why am I so mean to the memory of myself? It's really not fair. I didn't know. I didn't know. It was all very unfamiliar territory and the way I coped was not good but that's no one's fault. I felt so tiny and I felt so dumb.
It's a bit too late, though. Now, it's going to be harder to get things right because I have to eliminate what's wrong.
But right now, I have no IDEA why I am sad, I just know that I really, really am and I don't know how to react.
I want to sleep. I want to fall unconscious but I'm also scared of lying in bed for a half an hour while sad thoughts go through my head. I just want to disappear for awhile to catch a break.
It's weird because I don't completely hate myself right now. I mean well, I really do, but there are parts of me that are really terrible and everything I am against.
I mean well.
Wow. I'm so bad at balance. I either spend all my time alone and feel empty because I feel alone or I spend all my time with people and feel empty when I get home.
There are times when I'm kinda social and kinda not at the same time which I suppose is the balance, but I still go home and feel myself wanting more. More of what????
UGH, I'm so confused all the time. I have so many questions and I'm really only asking myself and at some point, the answers aren't really answers anymore, they're just theories and it's just.. ugh.
I think too much.
I'm sooo sad. That is my one consistent thought. I am trying to distract myself. I really wish I could eliminate the sadness but I have nooo idea where it's coming from.
My skin smells good. I am soft. My lips feel nice. The sound of my heartbeat is relaxing.
The creek down the street is beautiful. The red and yellow trees reflect in its waters. The moon is low in the sky and it is huge. My hands are clean, other than being slightly shimmery from when I rubbed some eye shadow from my lids.
My arms are nice and I can see my veins. They look like tree limbs and lightning in the summer. The scars on my arm are so faded that I have to look real close to see them. I guess I never really wanted to cut deep into a part of my body that is so public. I remember it hurting but it never scarred the way I've seen it scar in other places. I guess I just liked the blood.
That's not the point. Veins are so beautiful. I used to trace them with pens during class. I tried making trees and vines from them. They spread so endlessly and strangely close to the surface of my skin, like they're trying to say hello.
I am breathing rhythmically now and it's weird the way words are so hypnotizing and now, quotes make me cry which is kind of how I know that I am not okay.
Why am I not okay? It is too late to ask that question. I should get some sleep.
I wonder if maybe it is the medication. She raised the prescription and she said that some people with mood disorders (and I wanted to say, "goddammit, woman, I don't have a mood disorder!!!") end up getting terrible mood swings because of it or some shit.
She said something like that and said that if the medication didn't help, she'd put me on Lexapro. Or maybe she said Lexapro could cause the mood swings. I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.
Oh wait, she definitely said that Lexapro caused the severe mood swings because Lamictol, my current medication, is mainly a mood stabilizer (I wanted something for anxiety but oh well).
Maybe it's helping since I'm much cheerier and I'm very social but that doesn't explain my sadness.
I feel like I've been avoiding the sadness even though it was there. Like, I'd spend all my time with people, talking to people, or watching netflix. This week, I didn't let myself think too much about how I felt and I guess it's good that I did that. I didn't need to be preoccupied by my own feelings.
Yeah, okay. Goodnight. I'm annoyed with myself for being sad and annoyed that I'm not nicer to myself when I'm sad.
Goodnight, sadness. Goodnight.
(excuse me while I go add a painkiller to my five melatonin pills... they're 10mg each, don't worry, it won't hurt me haha. they haven't even kicked in and I took them like two hours ago so... but yeah my leg hurts like hell so time to take another pill yayyy)
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