The Real Me
Shit Happens get over it.
Ive sort of had enough of complaining about my life. Look shit happens, deal with it. Whatever happens next happens I don't care anymore. I just need to relax and take this thing called life easy. Its all well and good sitting here thinking dark shitty thoughts and then blaming the entire worlds problem on myself, but for once can I just sit here and realise that SHIT HAPPENS not over think it and just deal with it like a 24 year old adult. i am not a child anymore and i need to stop babying myself. nothing is ever going to improve if every time something happens I need a dummy in my mouth to soothe me. Its ridiculous how i have a way of coping with things. it is really not practical nor is it feasible. if people want to walk away LET THEM. If people don't like you OH WELL. If people try to play you...dont even think twice, How can they play me unless i allow myself to be played?
He is gone. It is fine. He was never really fucking there so i don't know why I am sitting here like an idiot wandering oh why has he gone....HE WASNT THERE. I build up a fantasy which wasn't real. Whatever. Does it really matter if i don't have a husband or kids? No. Because seriously is it worth having to feel paranoid, anxious, wandering where he is, insecure bla bla. Why is it important for me to have some sort of company be it boys or friends anyway? Am i really that weak that i need basic human needs. Get over your god damn needs and get strong boo hoo you didn't get love or companionship so change it and if you really can't then get the fuck over it.
If I cannot smile and laugh in life why the hell am i living it?
So smile motherfucker.
Everytime I have thought this was it, I have hit rock bottom and these feelings will never go..well few months down the line everything has completely changed and i am know where near rock bottom right now. I have always somehow found a way to survive so if there is one thing I can trust it should be my survival instincts forget any other instincts or basic...just survival.
For once i will have faith in myself, that I WILL be alright. I am not dying, it is not the end of the world and nothing truly that bad is going to happen anymore. How can i be so anxious about the future? It hasn't even happened yet. Focus on the present...enjoy the god damn ride idiot.
Maybe just maybe I am strong enough to make it on my own...maybe I do not need family, do not need friends and do not need love. Yes they say people need it and so on,but i have always claimed to be "different" so prove it. Ive done without it before i can do it now. i have some sort of stability right now in my job...and yes it cannot last forever and i could get fired tomorrow but who truly has real stability? if I'm not here i will be somewhere else...but i will ALWAYS find a way to survive because if anything has proved this it is precedent...it is a strong certainty so I cannot complain against strong evidence and high probability.
I am going to relax and see where life takes me..im not going to try lead anymore..let it guide me..not over think and let things just take its course....somewhere somehow the universe will put it together and make it work.