Vanilla

The Mess

Although I Said he was stable he isn't consistent

...he is not really there. He isn't around me much...he is just always busy. Do I complain? No. Why would I. Although I am concerned about one thing..him not being interested in me but if that happens then it does we were never meant to be, I've been single for 2 years now, it won't kill me to stay that way...I can't even rush into a relationship with anything or anyone anymore.

Did I mention what happened to Dan...that was a messy story. I went out with my new friend Jean but she got very drink, Dan somehow ended up coming and driving us back to his. By this point Jean was extremely drunk she got into his flat stripped down naked and I was just standing there I'm disgust and pretty humiliated. I couldn't take her back to mine because well my mother isn't exactly going to be welcoming. That's not exactly my house. I was tipsy and tired and I left her there normally I wouldn't but I just did because I just didn't care anymore I couldn't deal with it in the past I've cared too much and this girl she gets so blindly drunk it pisses me off. I knew that if I stayed Dan would want more from me, I wasnt willing to give that...I didnt even want to kiss him let alone do more, which I havnt done, the only time we kissed is when he forced his tongue down my throat. Next morning Dan calls me about how messed up it was that I "dumped" her on him, I just said I guess it was but then he carried on talking normally after he had a little go at me and realized I really wasnt responding what so ever. Jean messages me saying she's so sorry and not to hate her I told her its fine and then she tells me her and Dan had sex... !!! The way she first put it was that she doesnt think Dan is a good guy, I asked her why, she said "he reminds me of my father" (she was sexually abused by him when she was young and he went to prison for it) that ofcourse got me thinking, she then said "Dan took advantage of me" I was like "what?! Rape?" she was like not really rape as she sort of tried it on with him..I didnt really know what to think, ofcourse I beleived her even if she is messed up and an attention seeker etc, but if that did happen then who am I to say it didn't?

I just found it extremely fascinating that Dan was talking to me as if nothing had happened, and how he had bought me a gift etc.

I stopped talking to Dan, I told him I know what he did and I think it is messed up and that he shouldn't contact me again his response was "is this a joke" I blocked him after that and I havn't spoken to him since. As for Jean...I know not to trust her but I never did anyway, I'm around her still because I know she sort of needs me...I don't really know how I am meant to deal with these type of people...I have sympathy for what she has been through although it doesn't excuse her behaviour, but then its a little like...was she taken advantage of? then how can I blame the "victim" I just don't know. I keep my distance from her, but when she needs "support" for when shes down I am there, because well in the end we live one life. Dan didn't mean anything to me and she knew that. If it was the DR that would be a different story..

..the Dr is my hope...if he turned out like all of them...I wouldnt say it would crush me...it would just make me realize they are all the same in the end. That I just have to accept the cold hard truth, people are liars cheaters and pretty heartless. I know that my perception shouldn't just be based on one person, but it really isn't, it is a collection of all the people that have let me down. Dr would just be the cherry on the top. Im not saying all people are bad but majority of them are and its just unlikely that I will find that exception.

I do have somewhat faith in myself...that everything wasnt for nothing...something good at some point will happen. Why? Because I give myself this: I have alot of self belief..without that I would be nothing. Its hard being an atheist sometimes, I didnt choose to be aware, I would rather be blissfully ignorant there is comfort in thinking something somehwere will save you if you yourself dont have the answers. For now I am my saviour, only I can save me.