LustingforNightmares

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2014-11-08 14:10:22 (UTC)

Narcissism


"Dead End" by The Whitest Boy Alive [eye catching band name, am I right?]

November 8, 2014 Saturday 1:11 PM


I don't like taking online tests as concrete evidence. Once, I used one to diagnose myself bipolar. To be fair, an actual psychiatrist also made the mistake of giving me that diagnosis but the point is, I shouldn't have been so eager to label myself.

I've actually seen people on this site with self-diagnosed bipolar disorder and it strikes a nerve because I DID THE SAME THING and I am not bipolar. I don't have those swings, those violent swings, and online tests are... Well, I feel like the questions don't illustrate the severity of bipolar disorder and so people taking the test are like, "Oh, that's sooo me," and it's not... Well, maybe you have mood swings but not bipolar disorder.

Anxiety can look like bipolar disorder. Yeah. That's what Pat says and I believe her. Anxiety lowering and getting higher corresponds to my mood changes so yeah.

Low anxiety means great mood and high anxiety equals some depression.

THIS IS NOT THE POINT.

Haha, I took a test titled, "23 Signs You're Secretly a Narcissist Masquerading as a Sensitive Introvert."

So my score says I'm a narcissist. To be honest, if I'm a narcissist, then at least I actively try not to be so hey, everything's okay.

I've known for awhile that I am self-centered. I only ever write about myself and my struggles and even in Peer Leadership, I sometimes become restless listening to other people talk. Brock says it's because I am being "re-stimulated" but I don't know, I feel like I just want to talk about myself and get rid of everything I'm keeping inside.

I don't think I'm a narcissist but I am selfish. That is true.

I try not to be and I genuinely want to hear about my friend's struggles and everything. But I also want to share with them my thoughts.

I constantly need re-assurance that I am pretty and smart and talented and I can do anything but I rarely get comments like that and I can't seem to believe it when I say it to myself so yeah. I'm not looking for compliments or anything. It's better that way. I don't know. I kinda just want to be self-reliant. I want to know everything. I want to know how to fix cars and pour cement and build a house and how to install pipes and fix wires inside the wall. I want to know three different language and I want to be organized. I want to be fashionable and maybe I just want to be a renaissance woman.

I want to feel confident by myself and with other people and I want to not care anymore. I'd like to get rid of my desire to be different.

OH.

Guess what.

I took three melatonin pills last night because I desperately needed to escape my bubble of anxiety.

I fell asleep at around ten and woke up without warning around one in the morning. I rolled over, trying to fall back asleep and then my phone went off. I GOT A TEXT A MINUTE AFTER WAKING UP.

IT WAS LILY. I always joke that she's psychic because she always seems to say exactly what I'm thinking before I say it. Sometimes, I decide not to say something and she says it instead. Me and Lily's dad, Pablo, once went out to eat with Lily and we played a game where she had to keep her head down and her hands over her ears (she didn't cheat, trust me. it wouldn't even be fun for her if she had) while me and Pablo quietly picked out something in the restaurant.

Then, we'd make Lily get up and she'd look around and have three tries to point out whatever we chose. She lost I think only once, haha.

IT DOESN'T MATTER. I don't believe in powers like that but even so, Lily has impeccable timing and has a thought process insanely similar to mine, haha.

But yeah, she texted me a minute after I randomly woke up and her text said, "ARE YOU AWAKE?"

I was all, "WHATS UP KINDA"

AND AWWW SHE SAID, "HI HELLO I LOVE YOU"

Okay, okay. I love Lily so much. At one in the morning, she decided to text me for no reason and tell me that she loves me. That means she was thinking about me. Furthermore, it means she was thinking about me without getting angry about all the stupid things I say.

IT MEANS SHE ACTUALLY WAS ALL, "Aw I love Veronica so much. I oughtta tell her."

THAT MAKES ME FEEL SO GOOD. IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE MAYBE I'M NOT INCREDIBLY ANNOYING AND REPETITIVE. I LOVE HOW SHE CAN STAND ME FOR A LOT LONGER THAN MY OTHER FRIENDS.

AW, I LOVE LILY. ALSO SHE SAID I WAS HER BESTEST FRIEND WHICH IS VERY IMPORTANT TO SAY TO ME BECAUSE I WILL NOT SAY YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND IF I AM AFRAID THAT IS A ONE-WAY THING.

PLATONIC LOVE IS SO COMFORTING.

---

Okay, so John said that if there's nothing to do where I live (he's planning on coming here), we could always hang out with my friends.

That also makes me nervous because I'm afraid he'll like my friends more than me. Yeah. Insecurity. Like, if I bring Lily, she's super easy to talk to and I am not???? I thought about bringing Sam but she's like pissed off a lot of the time.

I think I'd be slightly less nervous if John wasn't a guy. I don't know why since I really just want to be friends. Oh. I feel like guys care about looks more than the girls I know. That makes me kinda anxious because I'm not all that good-looking. I can be awesome and dorky and wonderfully awkward (thanks, Brock) but not super pretty.

I don't know. I think I'm going to write a story. I want to make something that is not about me. I need some space from myself and the word "I" which is used too much.

Oh. I guess I share a few traits with Narcissists. Like, I miss people but I am not in the position to get them back. I can't think of anything else at the moment that I haven't already said.

Maybe I should end with a quote or two.

"In the desert, an old monk had once advised a traveler, the voices of God and the Devil are scarcely distinguishable."

-Loren Eisely

"Hello Listeners. In breaking news: the sky. The Earth. Life. Existence as an unchanging plain with horizons of birth and death in the faint distance. We have nothing to speak about. There never was. Words are an unnecessary trouble. Expression is time wasting away. Any communication is just a yelp in the darkness. Ladies. Gentlemen. Listeners. You. I am speaking now but I am saying nothing. I am just making noises, and, as it happens, they are organized in words and you should not draw meaning from this."

- Cecil Palmer, Welcome To Night Vale, Episode 5 "The Shape In Grove Park"

I LOVE WELCOME TO NIGHT VALE. The show makes me feel insignificant in a relaxing kind of way.


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